De Ja Vu.....

gosh here we are again YEARS later and I'm still feeling the pain that is infertility. My little girl is now 3 yrs old....turned 3 in September and she's am amazing beautiful person. Never could I have imagined having a daughter so bright, smart, loving, empathetic as her. She amazes me every single day and I thank God for her everysingle day. But we are it again, trying to have another baby and I'm once again trying to cross the hurdle that is infertility. This time around I feel guilty for feeling jealous that another sister in law is about to have her first child and an aquantice is pregnant. I feel guilty because I feel I should be glad I have at least one child and not feel like I need to have another. But here is the thing....in my heart I feel our family is not complete I feel that we still need one more little "fortune" to make us complete. this is a short post but I needed to let some of my stress out somehow. Now if only I can destress from work but that is A WHOLE different blog all together. geez. well I will see if i can keep up the posting because i miss it so.

IF awareness week

It's infertility awareness week, and every year I am reminded of the battle I had to fight w/tears and pain to come out a winner. It's a battle that has left me with many scars and although they have closed up they will never ever heal. I still want another child but at times I am hesitant to get back into the ring w/my adversary, I'm downright frightened that this next time i may not win. I keep telling myself I have enough, just to stop there.... I have my miracle, the child I so longed for so many years, cried myself to sleep in my husband's arms for, yearned so deeply for. But that does not mean I will ever forget or be extra sensitive to other women who either walked the same journey or are walking the same journey. I wish there were more information regarding infertility, I hate how the media portrays this as NOT a disease but something that can overcome simply by adopting or some other means. And what REALLY irritates me is when these idiot women come on TV saying they got pregnant thru IVF because simply the egg was "implanted", ugh excuse if i'm wrong but it get TRANSFERRED first and it doesn't always work dumbass! I wish either better advancements would be made towards ALL medical diagnosis that cause infertility, contrary to what many uninformed people it's NOT because you get old that you can't get pregnant! Or how about if health insurance companies started paying AT LEAST 1/2 of the cost of infertility treatment? IT'S A DIEASE fuckers! You can cover fucking viagra but you won't cover infertility treatments! well I better quit this post now before I really start cursing. so if you are reading this and are not infertile, maybe you have not been diagnosed or don't know but you may know someone....the best thing you can for them is listen and empathize with them....it's a lonely heartbreaking journey to begin with and not having anyone to support makes it unbearable.

Put it on hold...for now

Ah, where to start? Putting my career on hold to become a SAHM has been cut short, well sorta. I have gone back to work part time, 20 hrs/week, with a different government agency; but doing somewhat the same duties as before. Financially this will help us tremendously and in a small way I am looking forward to going back to the workforce again. But.....I can't help but feel guilty for two reasons.

Reason #1... This was supposed to be a time when I would be the one raising Sofie and just enjoy her all to myself. Instead my mother in law will take over child care duties 20+ hrs a week. I'm very grateful not only because she will be in great hands but she is not charging me as much as a daycare would. Still I feel that guilty feeling in my heart. I am starting to think I am going to miss out on new words she will say. Teaching her Spanish is very important to us, and so far she understands it and speaks a few words too. My MIL does not speak spanish which is a bit of concern of mine, but she has asked that I make flash cards for her so she can at least say a few phrases to Sofia while she is in her care. That makes me feel a little less guilty about my going back to work but the guilt is still there.

Reason #2... At the beginning of this year Luke and I were discussing trying for a second child. I was starting to go back to acupuncture and exercising to loose a few pounds and become healthy. I even started getting giddy when I would look at the newborn clothes at the store. This however will have to change due to my going back to work. I know if I were to get pregnant now and I just started working again there really is nothing they can do about it. However, the workaholic in me would like to prove myself and just focus on work for about 6mths then try to get pregnant. My brain says this is the LOGICAL choice but my heart? My heart screams SCREW LOGIC. A big reason is I will be turning 35 this year and due to my Latin upbringing I keep thinking I need to have another baby soon. I know how stupid right? I have made friends with some wonderful women who just had their first child at 39 or 40 and are trying to get pregnant again or are pregnant. So, why does it bother me so much? I have to blame my aunts and mom on this one. We have been getting asked the dreaded questions "so when are you going to have another baby? Don't you want a big family?" when Sofia was just 9mths old. Yes I want another baby, but not a big family. I would love to have 3 children but I think 2 would be just fine for us. I hate that infertility caused years to go by until I was in my 30's to have Sofia. But recently in talking to a friend of mine who is 40 and trying for baby #2, it started to dawn on me...it's not too late. I don't know if it will take another few years for baby #2 but I am holding on to hope that it will not and who knows we might be a family of 5 by the time I hit 40. Either way for now I have to find a way to be ok with the decision to put a few things on hold for now.

In due time

I look at this little person who no longer resembles a baby and can't help but think that time is just flying by, and her babyhood has passed by in an instant. Officially the books all say Sofie is not a toddler yet...but she's not an infant either. She's in an akward stage of leaving babyhood and entering toddlerhood, she's ALMOST 17 mths old in five days!!!! I am a bit sad at this transition into toddlerhood as the baby that once was so very dependent on me is now a little person who loves to help me sweep, "fold" the laundry and feed her doggies when she has a snack in her hand all on her own. She's changing so much the only way I can describe it is like an onion, all these stages/milestones she's passing are just layers that get peeled back. Everyday she learns or masters something. She says a few words not as much as some other children in her play group say but I'm not fretting or pushing her, I tell myself....it will happen in due time. One thing I have learned by staying home with her is she does things on her own schedule......all in due time. I made the mistake of trying to push the sippy cup on her over and over when she turned a yr old but the outcome of that was a screaming child who refused to drink her milk and would not budge. Lesson learned, one point for Sofia zero points for mom on this one. She's stubborn alright and I should not be surprised she gets it from both her parents. But just recently she surprised me, I was washing her bottles/nipples and she wanted something to drink all I had available was you guessed it.... sippy cup. I was hesitant to give it to her only because i could already hear the protesting fit she was about to throw but she took it and as if she'd been doing it for months....she drank from it. I was very surprised and so I tried again but no luck, I told myself ok ...all in due time. She amazes me each day and although I started this journey as a SAHM excited and after a bit I was frustrated I really am starting to see what other stay at home moms have been telling me....it's all worth it. I don't know when I'll go back to working fulltime, I may do it in 2 years or wait until Sofia starts school but one thing is for sure I'll make the decision all in due time.

Green Eyed Monster

So i have to vent for just a bit...I got news that a friend of mine ( who I've been seriously considering breaking the friendship with..but that is another later post) is having a boy. So this doesn't really bother me persay but the fact that she's been complaining about having to get on insulin for this pregnancy YET not doing anything to better the situation. She supposedly had her diabetes under control and was told to LOOSE weight before getting pregnant...does she listen? NO. once she got pregnant she was told to watch what she ate and to walk for exercise...does she listen? NO. I now avoid her calls because all she does is complain how because of this pregnancy she has to get on insulin. So for me this is how I see this...when I got pregnant I did everything and anything that was expected of me FOR THE GOOD OF THE BABY! This lady in my opinion is SELFISH. She's due early April and has not bought not one thing for her baby. When I have brought up about baby showers or if she's got any for the baby her answer (before she knew the gender) was "oh I'm waiting to find out what this is first..." she never calls it

the baby it's "this" or "it" Why does this bother me so much? cause I heard her for so long, groan and cry about wanting a baby so bad and now that she's going to have one (hopefully it'll be born healthy despite her diabetes) all I hear is complain, complain, complain! ugh I have even noticed how negative I start being when I am around her. I don't know if it's cause we are starting to try again for baby #2 or it's cause I thought she understood after "longing" for a baby that she may understand what a miracle it is to be pregnant, but I am envious and utterly disgusted with her. There I've said it, utterly disgusted with her selfishness. Like I said this is for a future post but I am seriously considering breaking off the "friendship". It just amazes me how I seem to be a magnet for making friends with people like her.

Full days....

These days I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering where did the time go? She's now 15mths old and it seems all her "babyness" is almost gone and I know have a toddler. I find myself yearning for another baby, but I'm scared. I'm scared to try again and have it fail and get my hopes up again only to get my period another month. I will start acupuncture once again to see if I can concieve again that way but a little part of me is tired... tired of having to need help once again to do something that seems to come so easily to others. I know it worked for me I see the proof...I have a little person who runs around the house yelling and laughing at the cats and dogs while I am cooking or cleaning house, but still.....I am afraid. When I have the time I read other bloggers who struggle with the same fear to have another baby and that in a way is comforting. So yes my days are full and as exhausting as that is at times I feel my heart is not full, I want more... I want another baby or two. I love Sofie but I feel as if my family is not complete yet. I am starting to get that yearning in my heart for another chance to feel a baby move within my womb, to feel the joy I felt nursing the joy that my heart has grown just a little more to make room for our new family member. Time is flying so fast too fast, my baby is no longer a baby anymore but fast becoming a toddler and then soon...preschooler. I know I should be grateful she's a miracle that happened to us but I want more....I need to try but again the fear of failing creeps it's ugly head. Odd how once you been through infertility and have a baby you feel "yes I have won this battle! I no longer am infertile I have a baby finally!" but the reality of the matter is I'll ALWAYS be the "infertile" woman no matter if I have a 15 mth old. That reality is very clear now as I hope each mth that maybe just maybe I've won the baby lottery and have 2 pink lines appear on a pregnancy test.

in the jungle the lion sleeps tonight....

Hands down this Halloween I was able to enjoy all the trick/treating in a whole new light. I always have fun decorating, giving out candy etc but this year I got to see it in a whole new light thanks to this lil lion. I hope everyone had a lovely halloween and ate LOTS of candy I know our household did. LOL. I also want to thank everyone that wrote in to say they understand how hard it is to be a SAHM, you know yes I did put my "career" on hold but I have a new job, my description:

self employed, paid with kisses and hugs and laughs. I am a personal chef to a 14mth old and teacher in creative playing. Do I get quarterly bonuses? why yes I do.... anytime she advances and I know it's because of something I taught her.