Waiting game......

I swear I can literally hear the clock ticking in my house! Gosh all this waiting is agony and I can't help but think as an infertile we do ALOT of waiting but lack of patience. We wait to try naturally if we'll concieve, we wait during IUI or IVF if that cycle is a BFP or BFN, then we wait after we get the good news to see if this pregnancy will indeed stick. Well right now I'm in the last part of waiting because today I go to the lab to give more blood and this SHOULD tell my Dr if indeed we are dealing with an ectopic or normal pregnancy. Since Monday I've been on pins and needles because any little twitch or cramp in my pelvic area I start sweating and dreading it's a sign of it being ectopic. I'm trying my damnest to keep positive but I'm afraid if I start to enjoy this little light, as I've been doing, then I'm setting myself up for a let down. I googled what was the % of another ectopic happening and it was 30%....no bad huh? But only if the other tube was good.........well that's the thing folks my other tube WAS blocked at the end so do I even fall in that %? The way my luck has gone so far with pregnancies.........I may very well be in that 30%. I'm gonna give my Dr till tommorrow to give me my results because yes I'll admit it I'm chicken to call any sooner......I figure if it's bad news the longer I can safely delay it the better for me to prepare for it. But I've gotta call Thurs anyways in case I don't get a call back from them only because I need to know what's my next step? Do I go in for more blood work? Will I have to get a sonogram w/the dildo cam? I mean what? this is really a matter of life and death I can't be waiting..................whew......ok calm down calm down......my blood pressure is up I'm getting ahead of my self but it's how my brain is wired.......I've not been in this place in a LONG time so I'm at loss on what to do. I hope hope hope please be in the right spot little one, we've waited a long time for you and alot of people are rooting for you. PLEASE I want to finally be a mom by birthday in April, I hope I get my wish. I'll post most likely tomorrow unless I get a call today. Wish me luck everyone!

*********** UPDATE********************
Monday's HCG results: 546
Wednesday's HCG results: 1315!
I am scheduled for an ultrasound Friday at noon
I'm not running down the street telling everyone yet.........I'm still cautious I've learned from watching other women in my RESOLVE group that some have great beta numbers but nothing growing but the sac. I know we won't see anything we may not even hear a heartbeat but I will delighted to know that it's not in my remaining tube I WANT & NEED for this little one to be in my womb where it can grow strong and be nourished. It has not really sunk in for me yet I guess I'm still needing one more hurdle to cross the ultra sound............I hope and I NEED for this to work out. PLEASE let this be the year I become a mom please dear Lord.

a little secret.....

ok so what I thought was AF on CD36 turned out it wasn't.....I POAS today and wonders of wonders it was positive. I don't know what to think people.....my RE told me it would be impossible for me to get pregnant again in my one tube that was left since it was closed off but yet...........two pink lines say otherwise. I'm cautious........extremely so and detached only because I'm preparing myself for it to be ectopic. I don't want to get my hopes up not even a little bit because I'm afraid if I do then when my beta tests comes back and it is ectopic then I'll crash harder. I keep saying its ectopic only cause how could my tube be open I mean it was closed and my only chance was through IVF. This is not supposed to have happened not this way...........Part of me a small part wants it to be a valid pregnancy but that's my heart talking.......my brain keeps saying louder "it may have made it through an opening in the tube but it's probably stuck midway...don't get to attached it's not going to last". I want to have hopeful happy thoughts but I just can't.......does that make sense? As for symptoms I have tender tender and swollen (.)(.) and some of my sports bras are not fitting. My BBT temps have spiked up they have been in the 98.1 realm now have jumped up to 98.4. Dunno if that means anything or if that is an indication if it's ectopic or not. I've been fatigued as well and hungrier too. I tried to remember how I felt last time and I think I remember feeling pain in my left shoulder and I was hungrier and swollen and tender breasts as well but not fatigued also I was not as emotional as I am now. Oh Lordy Lordy please please let this be our miracle that we've been waiting for. Let me finally be a mom. I've only told my mom and sisters and DH has told his parents and siblings....yes even SIL knows...she says she's excited and hopes it's not ectopic again. I feel almost numb you know? I'm making an appointment tommorrow for blood work and I hope that by the end of the week I'll know if we'll be parents in late fall or my dreams have been shattered. I guess if anything I can be thankful that my tube did unblock and I AM pregnant at least for today and for that I am thankful. I keep thinking this is not real...........I NEVER thought I'd see those 2 pink lines again ever again in my life. So I close with words that my heart keeps saying...
Please please let this be, I want to be a mommy I want to finally have the dream we've been hoping for. I'm scared and even though it's too early I still have feelings of hope for this little light inside me. Please be in the right spot please!