13 and change............

I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd get this far if I ever became pregnant. Wait, who am I kidding, I NEVER thought I'd ever get pregnant. Personally I feel as if I'm almost about to cross a milestone. I'm not a runner but I guess if I were it would probably feel as if I'm maybe a 1/3 of the way to the finish line. Of coarse along the way I've had my aches and discomforts, emphasis on the discomforts. I went in to see my dr today only because for the past 3 days I've been having lower abdominal cramping and a lower backache, and taking Tylenol was not doing anything about it. I became worried when by today it would not go away so I went in and was tested for another UTI, got to hear the heartbeat (score!) and well the prognosis...........round ligament pain. I gotta say I did feel foolish but both the dr and nurse were so very nice and said better safe than sorry. Unfortunately no amount of Tylenol will make it go away either, it's just a what happens as the baby gets bigger and my uterus starts stretching. So I think what I may start doing to at least alleviate the backache is look into some exercises to help strengthen my back while I am pregnant. I wanted to look into Yoga but I'm a chicken about going alone, it would be nice if I had a buddy to go with especially since I've never done Yoga in my life. Oh well maybe I'll get over my fear and eventually venture out on my own. I'm excited about this weekend because we're having a garage sale and even though my hubby is a major pack rat I'm getting rid of items that are still stored in boxes when we moved into this house, that was almost 2 yrs ago! I'm hoping we make a nice amount of cash since we've decided it'll go into our baby fund. Wow that's just so very amazing to me. Even though now that I'm planning for this baby by saving money, being more careful with my sick/vac time at work and starting to look for bigger pants I can't forget how I started out and still consider myself........ an infertile. I can't help it's a part of me, yes we got pregnant naturally but we still needed help. I mean I feel deep down inside that acupuncture and the herbs I took helped me to achieve this miracle and had I not gone that route I would not be sitting here in awe of 13 weeks. So you see, I am and will always be an infertile. A fellow blogger once wrote while she was pregnant that she was a pregnant infertile, and I completely agree. I don't think you can ever forget the pain and anguish you go through when you TTC, those battle scars may heal superficially but stay tender to the touch inside of you. I guess how I see my 13 weeks is this way, I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my first trimester but I don't feel like I'm on safe ground yet and even if god willing I make it to the finish line with a healthy baby to take home, my scars will still be there deep down inside even if the world can't see them.

well this sucks

I just got an email from one of the ladies that goes to RESOLVE and she's just had her 3rd loss. She's been updating all of us and when she got the news that she'll have to have an D&C again well I thought it would be better if I just called to tell her hey she's not alone in her sorrow cause I know what it means to be in those shoes to get a positive and get your hopes and BAM it's ripped from you. So I call her and ......she answers, I tell her "hey H it's me ivonne..." then it sounded like she just said something and HUNG UP. Ok yes I get it if she does not want to talk to anyone right now and it's very hard but I figured sending her an email would be too impersonal and maybe she may appreciate a phone call since we've been talking @ the meetings and we met up once and she keeps bringing up the fact that we should get together again. DH says don't take to heart but ......... typical me fashion....I am hurt. I ended up emailing her and telling her sorry for her loss and how I didn't want to email her but wanted to tell her via phone how hurt I am for her loss and sorry I bothered her. I will be ok by the end of the day but still I'm just like........ok that was really odd and I would have been perfectly fine with her saying "hey it's not a good time right now" instead of getting hung up on and H if you do read this post, I'm not doing it to offend you since it's hard enough what you are going through anyways I just thought it maybe a little less impersonal that I call you and let you know you " hey this sucks I'm so sorry for you loss, I was really really hoping for you this time." I"ve said it before in other posts that for those fellow infertile I've met that there are some that I REALLY REALLY do get happy with whenever they get BFP and I look forward to hearing from them you know? But when the BFP turns into a miscarriage I cry for them because it's not fair that they were THERE and it gets ripped from them. WHY? Now for those people that get pregnant no complications....hey I am not as overjoyed. One thing I have learned is that being infertile bands you together within a group, granted it's not one you choose to be in but it bands you together non the less with other IF'ers. So I close with this............H I don't' mean to offend you and much less didn't mean to bother you. I am truly sorry for you loss and even though you may feel angry at the world I'm sending you ((hugs)). I hope you can find the strength to not give up your dream just yet and I will continue to root for you to become the mother you so deserve.