Put it on hold...for now

Ah, where to start? Putting my career on hold to become a SAHM has been cut short, well sorta. I have gone back to work part time, 20 hrs/week, with a different government agency; but doing somewhat the same duties as before. Financially this will help us tremendously and in a small way I am looking forward to going back to the workforce again. But.....I can't help but feel guilty for two reasons.

Reason #1... This was supposed to be a time when I would be the one raising Sofie and just enjoy her all to myself. Instead my mother in law will take over child care duties 20+ hrs a week. I'm very grateful not only because she will be in great hands but she is not charging me as much as a daycare would. Still I feel that guilty feeling in my heart. I am starting to think I am going to miss out on new words she will say. Teaching her Spanish is very important to us, and so far she understands it and speaks a few words too. My MIL does not speak spanish which is a bit of concern of mine, but she has asked that I make flash cards for her so she can at least say a few phrases to Sofia while she is in her care. That makes me feel a little less guilty about my going back to work but the guilt is still there.

Reason #2... At the beginning of this year Luke and I were discussing trying for a second child. I was starting to go back to acupuncture and exercising to loose a few pounds and become healthy. I even started getting giddy when I would look at the newborn clothes at the store. This however will have to change due to my going back to work. I know if I were to get pregnant now and I just started working again there really is nothing they can do about it. However, the workaholic in me would like to prove myself and just focus on work for about 6mths then try to get pregnant. My brain says this is the LOGICAL choice but my heart? My heart screams SCREW LOGIC. A big reason is I will be turning 35 this year and due to my Latin upbringing I keep thinking I need to have another baby soon. I know how stupid right? I have made friends with some wonderful women who just had their first child at 39 or 40 and are trying to get pregnant again or are pregnant. So, why does it bother me so much? I have to blame my aunts and mom on this one. We have been getting asked the dreaded questions "so when are you going to have another baby? Don't you want a big family?" when Sofia was just 9mths old. Yes I want another baby, but not a big family. I would love to have 3 children but I think 2 would be just fine for us. I hate that infertility caused years to go by until I was in my 30's to have Sofia. But recently in talking to a friend of mine who is 40 and trying for baby #2, it started to dawn on me...it's not too late. I don't know if it will take another few years for baby #2 but I am holding on to hope that it will not and who knows we might be a family of 5 by the time I hit 40. Either way for now I have to find a way to be ok with the decision to put a few things on hold for now.

Full days....

These days I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering where did the time go? She's now 15mths old and it seems all her "babyness" is almost gone and I know have a toddler. I find myself yearning for another baby, but I'm scared. I'm scared to try again and have it fail and get my hopes up again only to get my period another month. I will start acupuncture once again to see if I can concieve again that way but a little part of me is tired... tired of having to need help once again to do something that seems to come so easily to others. I know it worked for me I see the proof...I have a little person who runs around the house yelling and laughing at the cats and dogs while I am cooking or cleaning house, but still.....I am afraid. When I have the time I read other bloggers who struggle with the same fear to have another baby and that in a way is comforting. So yes my days are full and as exhausting as that is at times I feel my heart is not full, I want more... I want another baby or two. I love Sofie but I feel as if my family is not complete yet. I am starting to get that yearning in my heart for another chance to feel a baby move within my womb, to feel the joy I felt nursing the joy that my heart has grown just a little more to make room for our new family member. Time is flying so fast too fast, my baby is no longer a baby anymore but fast becoming a toddler and then soon...preschooler. I know I should be grateful she's a miracle that happened to us but I want more....I need to try but again the fear of failing creeps it's ugly head. Odd how once you been through infertility and have a baby you feel "yes I have won this battle! I no longer am infertile I have a baby finally!" but the reality of the matter is I'll ALWAYS be the "infertile" woman no matter if I have a 15 mth old. That reality is very clear now as I hope each mth that maybe just maybe I've won the baby lottery and have 2 pink lines appear on a pregnancy test.

all the wonders

i must admit I do love staying at home with this little bundle of joy. she's growing up so fast it's not funny. here she is playing in her car while mommy does some gardening....she's walking now..oh boy! everyday she and I discover some new adventure and it brightens up my day.

Dream a little dream.........

All of us have a dream, I'm sure. Some of us have "big" dreams others have "small" dreams. I think my dream is neither.....it's a dream that has grown out of the desire in my heart for my daughter. You see I'm dreaming that sometime this year I can become an a stay at home mom. I've told a couple of friends and family this dream and I get either of these two reactions: " really? are you sure? don't you want to stay with the state and contribute to your retirement, you know the economy is not very good right now." OR i get...." wow! that's great! it's a BIG decision but one that will be worth while in the long run" I always thought if I EVER was blessed to become a mother I'd vow to be the BEST mom I could to MY child. Don't get me wrong I have NOTHING against working moms....hey I am one! But lately it's been tugging at my heartstrings to become a SAHM. I see Sofie growing up and every day she does something NEW...and I'm not there to see it first hand until I get home and the either Luke or the sitter tells me about it. Luke and I discussed me becoming SAHM mths before Sofie was born actually as soon as we found out it was a viable pregnancy and for all intent and purposes that all would turn out well in the end. I was a little hesitant to the idea at first only because I've been working since I was like 15. I enjoyed staying those 8plus weeks I had off for Maternity leave but I was also glad to be back at work. Then I went back to work and that first day was HELL. All my fellow co-worker moms told me " oh it gets better, yea you miss them at first but really you'll get over it..." guess what...........I'm not OVER it. I think I miss Sofie more today than that first day I dropped her off at daycare. Luke and I have thought how can we afford for one of us to stay home especially with his job being a little shaky. We've gone over our budget and after paying off some of the store credit cards, credit cards and our car we can manage w/his income alone....this fortunately can be done w/ some savings and income tax rebate. It will be tough but we can make ONLY if he doesn't get laid off like alot of his co-workers. We have thought of that as well and he's got a job lined up the only thing is it would take him out of town 5 days a week and we'd see him only the weekends. I don't know I feel silly even wanting to be a SAHM, but in my heart I feel it's the right thing for MY family. Luke also has been talking about going to night school and getting a daytime job elsewhere. I do have a way of making some money on the side while I stay at home...a friend of mine is due in May and will not be going back to work till after the end of July, she's been looking around at daycares but can't afford the 1200 plus that it costs and that was at a place that was the cheapest. so she's asked me if i can look after her son and she'd pay me about $700 and I'd have him from 6:30 till 2pm. It is a possibility I definitely would take but again it all rests on if Luke can secure a job by end of July. So till then I dream my dream...who knows maybe it will come true....I mean I did have a dream to become a mom and well we all know how well that ended. :)

3 months old!

so this is a late post, but I can't believe Sofia is now 3 mths old! I browsed her pictures from when she was born and when we brought her home and she's changed so much! everyday she's getting bigger and bigger and even though I'm happy she's healthy and meeting all the milestones on target I can't help but feel a little sadness as well. I'm a little sad that in some ways she is becoming more independent from me and it's not by much now but I know w/every milestone she reaches she won't be as helplessly dependent on me as she was the first few days of life or when I carried her inside me. I didn't think it would bother me so much but I first realized it when I stopped breastfeeding her; true it was not by choice but because I went back to work but still...she no longer needed ME for nutrition, she could get that from formula/bottle. Also while giving away some of her newborn clothes to a newly pregnant friend I realized...she no longer fits in these...she's growing up...too fast. I know in my heart I will always be her mother and that in some way she'll always need me...I mean even me at 33 yrs old I need my mom too...not as much but I still do and there are somethings that only my mom can do for me; so I tell myself this as she is no longer a newborn but now an infant.