not that I'm complaining....much.

So, no one ever tells you that when you decide to become a stay at home mom, that the following happens:

A. you feel alienated from the "adult" world"

B. Time/dates no longer matter. Because you forget the day of the week it is and what time it is!

C. You start to envy those that actually get up and go the salt mines, hey they earn a paycheck!

D. Your day consists of watching some educational TV (noggin), reading stories and running around the house because you'er chasing your toddler due to them getting into something they shouldn't OR because of a game.

E. No matter how much you clean, do laundry, dust etc....the next day it's deja vu....you start ALL over again because the house is a mess.

Look I'm not complaining, really I'm not...I prefer the term "venting my frustrations" out. I figure my blog most likely doesn't get read anymore so I can safely vent about how lately I've been putting on a fake smile and sounding like a robot when people or old co-workers ask me "so do you like staying at home?" I must admit I'm on autopilot when I hear that question, deep inside I really want to say "I hate it and I like it at times" . I've tried mommy groups, going to story time & going for walks but I still feel out of sorts with this new chapter in my life, the chapter of stay at home mommy. Yes I realize I am very very blessed to stay at home and precisely for that reason I'm weighed down by guilt that I may have gone into this too hastily. I feel I must at this point state that I love my child very much so, I'd give my life for her I would do anything for her and I KNOW that by staying home with her it's the BEST care for her, hands down. NO ONE will take of her the way I want as well as I can, I know this and yet sometimes I find myself missing work. I would not mind having a partime job, that could be an option maybe not at my old job but I can look else where but for the time being I can't help but feel as if I've left a bit of myself behind. I feel many times that I don't get a break, a vacation much less time to myself. When Luke gets home I feel guilty when I tell him it's his turn. I know he's tired but feel like I'm a broken record when I keep reminding him that I've been with her ALL day long! I used to think it would be nice to expand our familly but now I dont' know. I wish I knew how many moms do it, maybe what I'm missing out on is support I don't know. Sadly right now the only time I have to myself is because I'm sick and Luke had actually gone out w/Sofia and I have a few hours myself.....hey beggers can't be choosers right?

Here we go again...........

Well folks, it's now CD33 and no AF!!!! I POAS but it was of coarse negative....of coarse why would I even think it may be positive? Well aside from AF being late my boobs are majorly majorly sore and I'm very sensitive to smells right now and I'm very emotional. I hate that all these signs could be early pg signs too.....ah it's no wonder we drive ourselves nuts analyzing every little twitch here and there. My acupuncturist seems to think since I have POS that all that sugar and fattening food I ate on top of not working out at all did not help this cycle and that could be delaying my period. Dunno if that makes any sense but ok........... So here I am again back at square one when I was doing so very well and my cycles were down to 30-32 days then BAM this crap happens. I hate that my body once again has betrayed me. I'm so emotional that I take everything to heart. Hence my last post, I feel like a sh** for being hurt when H hung up the phone....she emailed me back and said she dropped the phone and really was not in a good state of mind to talk. As emotional as I've been these couple of days.....I get it but I feel foolish to have been hurt by it. Ahhhhhhh I hate not only getting my period on time and getting emotional on top of it. Maybe that is why DH made plans to go to a hockey game with friends last night........I was very short with him last couple of days, and well today he works so I'm sure as much as he hates working on a Sunday, it's better than being @ home with an over emotional wife whose constantly snapping at him. I know I'm not PG so I'm just like "ok AF just get here already, what's the holdup!" hopefully she'll come in a few days or maybe hours who knows.....I'm so freaking sick of this. so I'm off to take out my frustration on some laundry and other house hold chores....oh joy. Hope everyone else is doing fine.

The drama continues.....

I was doing better but THAN a couple of days ago DH was telling me about SIL (grrr) and how she's SO sick from nauseausness......and I just gave him this look. And then he says "you know they've been trying to get pregnant since last Nov. and just got pregnant now" my response? "ok, but I still can't forget her comment, and that makes it even worse since she was struggling to get pregnant WTF to say such a thing to another person whose struggling too" you all remember which one right? "i doubt it's gonna happen to you" about me getting pregnant....my husband's response? SILENCE. yup .....it's like our conversation last time about how much her comment hurt me and how he was gonna promise to stand for me went in one ear and out the other. OH so last night DH tells me again how SIL is complaining about nausea and can't eat anything but pickles....blah blah blah. and I finally tell him "don't talk to me about SIL or her pregnancy for while ok? cause it's not so much the pregnancy that bothers me but I really can't forget the comment she made." he tells me "oh I could tell her comment has bothered you for a while...." yet he has not brought it up to her!!!! WTF! he then tells me "I told her to prepare to have 2 pregnant women in the family" and that she said "oh really? that would be great I pray pray that it;ll happen to you two" I just have one word for that....Fakeness. Ok enough of my venting and bitching....I WANT to be over these feelings, I WANT to be my old self really I do but I CAN'T stop thinking about her fakeness. well enough of me...how are all of you? I bet doing MUCH MUCH better than me.

is this mth over yet?

Well this month marks the 1yr anniversary of my failed IVF cycle. I didn't think it would bother me as much as the anniversary of losing sweetpea 1 yr ago in May. But it did.....and it does not help that this past week really sucked @ work. So this week I was late to work, discovered I was on empty ( hubby forgot to gas up the car), our other car broke down ( it'll be expensive to fix), I get a shitty gift @ work and I have something else to bitch about concerning fake "friends". whew...that's a lot in one week! But I do have some good highlights to share as well.
Wed. I get to work and what's waiting for me? a shitty excuse Halloween baggie of candy. I say shitty only cause it looks like it was thrown together all last min. Let me explain why I was upset about it before anyone goes and thinks I'm a materialistic B. Every year during Halloween we get "ghosted" meaning someone leaves you a basket full of candy and little knickknacks. Last yr I got a big ceramic pumpkin full of candy, a notepad, cute pen and pencil and socks. The years before that I got stuff like candles, socks, pens or stationary. All very cool stuff. Now I've been @ this state agency for about 5 yrs so I guess I was used to getting stuff like this. Or maybe it's cause in the basket of goodies there's a ghost you cut out and then another sheet w/instructions to deliver 3 Halloween gifts to people and it even gives examples of stuff to give! So anyways I get the goodies bag and mind you I've been feeling very emotional cause my failed IVF anniversary was that past Monday and our other car has broken...it's just not a very good week and this happens on a Wednesday. So my friend Renie by and I show her my Halloween gift and she tells me "you know I saw two other people get the same thing and they are bitching out loud about it." so in a way I feel a little better cause I didn't want to bitch out loud and didn't want to come across as a B but in a small way too I feel I should just be grateful. So I begin thinking maybe:
1. The person is new ( we did get some new coworkers) and doesn't realize what kinds of goodies to put.
2. Maybe the person doesn't have money to give out good Halloween goodies.
3. Maybe the person is bitter and doesn't give a fuck about giving out last yr's Halloween candy.
Due to me having a shitty week already, I accept it's the last reason on my list that the person gave out this Halloween goodies. So then I get a phone call from one of my so called friends that I've known for about 8 yrs. Now I have not heard from them in almost a 1 1/2 but she's all calling telling me oh it's been so long since we've talked and how have I been blah blah blah fakeness fakeness fakeness....bottom line why she called? She wanted my husband "L" to do a favor for her. I lied to her and told her that we'd be out of town. She then tells me "oh I feel like I have not talked to you in forever, why haven't you called?" I remind her that after the last time we got together ( we did her a favor of helping her move) that I DID call in fact I emailed her and her partner to get together but never got a response! what did she say?" oh I don't remember getting anything" WTF!!!! Oh then she goes on to say "D & I are thinking of adopting, you should come with us to the adoption orientation too so you can get started on that" I reply " You know we're not @ that point yet maybe in another year" to which she replies "well when ARE you gonna do another invitro? and are you sure it'll work this time? at least with adoption you ARE guaranteed a baby" I could not believe my ears, the shit that was coming out of her mth. I've done pretty good about shielding myself from insensitive comments like that but this coming from a so called friend? I pretty much told her that nothing is a guarantee even adoption and this is a personal choice only L and I make.....we don't like to do something just cause others are doing it too, we're not puppets. I said that last part to hurt her more than anything cause she's very much like that....will only do something cause she's a follower of sorts। so then I made an excuse of being busy and hung up. It felt good but made me sad to realize my group of "friends" keeps getting smaller. But on the bright side I guess this stupid IF has shown me who my true friends are.


on a different note, I did get to meet 4 new women @ the RESOLVE support group I attend. We've made plans to get together outside of the meetings and I'm very much looking forward to it.
and my temps are looking great too....going up steadily today was 97.9! yesterday was 97.6! It's the little things in life I'm beginning to see and be thankful for.