2 years

I have a post I want to share of my sono from last week and pictures (that hopefully came out clear enough) but this post seemed to weigh heavy on my heart and I couldn't bring myself to write about all that when the anniversary of loosing sweetpea was coming up. I have mixed feelings this year about it, could be because last year I was not pregnant and felt hopeless that my one chance had come and gone on May 1, 2006. But yet here I am 20 weeks along (i have to update my widget sorry) and with a presumbly healthy baby yet still I feel conflicted. It seems like it's someone else whose pregnant yet I know it's me and I'm not feeling the pain of being stressed about not being pregnant; does that make any sense? I think on this day and if we had not lost our little angel I'd have a toddler and one on the way, we'd be a family of 4 to be not a family of 3 to be. I try to make sense of it and tell myself that all things happen for a reason but yet I can't find the reason. And because of what happened 2 yrs ago I feel somewhat unattached to this baby, maybe it's because even though the wound has closed up and doesn't hurt like it did it's still tender and I dont' want to get attached to this baby until it's born just to make sure NOTHING else can happen and I have to go through all those awful emotions of loss. I feel guilty because I feel this baby deserves more of me than just nutrition and a safe environment; but I just can't seem to open up my heart to the prospect of all being ok, I keep thinking what if the rug is pulled from me if I allow myself to actually start enjoying this pregnancy and actually start making plans for a baby to come join our house in September? the fact that I feel pokes and bubbles every once in a while doesn't help me feel connected to this baby. I've fears and I'm not sure if they are normal fears that "normal pregnant" women feel....I really don't feel like I'm a normal pregnant woman....I still feel different. I fear that the baby will not bond with me and will not want me, that I may not be able to bond with the baby, that I won't be a good mom to this baby. I just wish and keep waiting for the day that someone can tell me "ok now you can exhale, all is ok and will remain ok" I just want to start feeling as a mom-to-be should be feeling at this moment.

blue or pink?

well it's one more day to go till we find out if we will have little girl or boy.....we have names picked out but I'm not yet sharing maybe I'll share later. I'm nervous that something might go wrong, so nervous it's stressing me out and I've not had a good night's rest for the past 2 weeks! I'm having nightmares that the baby is dead, missing a limb, has no brain etc....I wake up in a sweat and shaking. I know that there is some possibility all can go OK and normal in this pregnancy BUT...there's always a but right? I'm just afraid very afraid that anything can go right since nothing concerning getting pregnant ever came easy to me, yes this time it was w/out IVF but still I've had my share of heartache and I still am somewhat detached from this child, very different from my first pregnancy that ended in an ectopic, it makes me feel guilty. I hate to say this but yes it's true, even when I hear the heartbeat it seems surreal to me like that heartbeat can't possibly be MY baby....no I could be hearing someone else's baby's heartbeat. I report to you all about it and how I'm happy at last and I am but I'm much more detached than I am attached, does that make sense? I'm happy that I've gotten this far and as far as the DR, all sounds normal and such and I finally have a tiny bump but I CAN'T allow myself to feel like he/she is a part of me and growing inside me. Maybe it's cause I have not felt movement yet, dunno. Maybe it's because I've longed for a baby for so long and lived with infertility that I know nothing else, it's almost as if infertility has become my security blanket. I'm hoping all goes well and MAYBE just maybe seeing this baby on the monitor will make me feel closer to it and maybe it will sink in that I may very well be a mom in September and there's really a living being inside me. seriously I can't fathom I could be someone MOM, I can't picture myself as nothing more than someone's aunt, sister, & friend. Hopefully seeing this baby, OUR baby, tommorrow will finally start to heal those wounds of infertility and feelings of inadequacy and pessimism that I have carried as a security blanket for so long. I can only hope.