update

We saw the heartbeat last Thursday and even though we didn't get to hear it on the doppler it was enough for us. I'm still very much in awe and it doesn't seem like this is happening to me.......guess all those years of infertility have really messed with my head and such. My Dr was able to finally pinpoint how far along I am, due to me having PCOS, I didn't even know when I ovulated. She said at the time baby was measuring 7wks and 3 days, but from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be 8wks & 3days.....I of coarse became alarmed at the discrepancy between dates but she said it was no biggie and that everything looked right on target. I'm still nervous and will be until my next appointment at the end of the mth but I want to stay positive about this possibility that this may very well turn out good for us. I have a picture but since I gotta wait till I can borrow my friend's scanner I may not get to upload it till later on this week. If not well, it may be later later on. I told my friends at my local RESOLVE and all of them were very supportive but I could tell they were hurt too. I struggled with either emailing them or telling them and decided to tell them in person since I've known them a while from either at the RESOLVE meetings, emailing, talking on the phone or meeting outside the meetings. I feel guilty that I won't get to go to those meetings anymore and that I'm "Here" while they are still either waiting to start treatments, coping with failed IUI's or IVF's, or starting treatments. Part of me is just torn because I feel guilty for being happy I'm farther along than I was last time I was pregnant but that I'm leaving so many good friends I've met behind. And I also mean some of the bloggers I've met in Blogland. If you all can, please go over to JJ's blog. She could really use some positive support right now. I'll try to update a little more often but can't promise much..........please keep checking back though because I may have a new update.

just here...............

Nothing new to report, I still don't "feel" pregnant aside from the sometimes cramping, sore boobs and lower back really it feels like I'm about to start my period. On occasion too I get indigestion and constipation with certain foods. I'm very very scared about my upcoming Dr appointment on the 31st of this mth. I'm not sure how I will handle it if I get bad news. My worst case scenario in my head has been that there's been no growth and I'll have to have a D&C, why do I fear that you ask? Well when you are thrust into the world of infertility and you see others get pregnant you see the joy and miracle that comes with that as well as the down fall that can happen just like that. I can't tell you how many women I've met or read about either here in Blogs I read or @ my local RESOLVE group that have gotten pregnant and they feel like "ok NOW I finally got pregnant I'm out of the woods" and everything seems to be going well and then fetal growth just stops just like that OR they end up miscarrying. That people is my greatest fear. It does not help that my OB will not do any more blood work or that the soonest sonogram I will get is next week, Thursday. My mom and in laws keep telling me to just relax and enjoy it.........but how can I for all I know this little may have stopped growing. You know what I can just add ONE more damn thing to the list of why I loathe infertility, it not only f**ks with your self esteem when you CAN'T get pregnant but it messes w/you AFTER you do cause any little wetness I feel I run to the bathroom thinking "oh now, it's what I feared". Take yesterday for example, I was freaking out cause the only symptoms I had were slight period like cramping and lower back pain. My boobs didn't hurt like they'd been doing since I got pregnant NOR did I have morning sickness. I freaking out so bad I looked online for symptoms of miscarriage, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. Crazy huh? well as you can well imagine I did not sleep well last night tossing and turning thinking maybe I should not have felt so detached to this little one but I'm scared right now to get too attached and watch my bubble burst. Oy, seriously if there were some meds I could safely take right now I'd take it, seriously I need a chill pill. So today at least for today my boobs "slightly" feel sore and I've got some indigestion. No cramping or morning sickness. I never thought I'd say this but I WISH for some serious morning sickness. Oh please please stay little one, we both really want you and can't wait for you to become more real to us. We can't wait till we get to see you next week, please keep growing strong and big little one.
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.

I can't believe it..........

that's what I said after my sonogram was done..............it was yesterday and according to what the tech saw.....I am 4weeks and 3 days. We saw a gestational sac w/yolk. It was in my opinion the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and a long time coming too. I keep pinching myself thinking this is all a dream.........I was supposed to do IVF#2 in April.......but yet now I see the beginning of this tiny little being snuggled in my uterus. Thank you to all who sent me out positive vibes, I still have worries especially since I know how precious this gift is and how it can end so quickly. And in typical form, I've set myself up some "hurdles or mild stones" that I need to pass so I can breathe a sigh of relief. My first hurdle is that I hear a heartbeat and that may not be till another week or two. All this is new to me and I still can't believe it I guess I have infertility to blame for that frame of mind. Please please little one, hang on tight and grow big and strong. Again thank you for every one's positive thoughts, I hope everyone who is starting a cycle whether it's FET, IUI or IVF gets the blessing they so deserve.