good riddance 2007....Hola 2008!

I am sure I'm not the only one overjoyed with 2007 being over.....good riddance! In retrospect though, 2007 was not as horrible as 2006.......both my ectopic and failed IVF happened in that year. But 2007 would have been the year I would have either been a newly first time mom or been pregnant awaiting to become a newly first time mom. So yea 2007 was bitter sweet in some other ways to but it was a good year as well. I have decided to write a list of what was good and bad of 2007. So maybe this will also get others to think what was the good and the bad of their 2007.
The BAD
1. I was surrounded by so many pregnant women in my life......it was a painful reminder that life is so ironic....if getting knocked up is so freaking easy why not us? oh yea.....i have a blocked tube. The worse part is I never had an STD so why??????

2. I felt left behind while everyone in my RESOLVE group got pregnant, some on their first try at IVF. Yes for some I was happy but that was mostly for the veterans there were some newbies that really never experience the roller coaster that is IF and IF treatments so they just has this mentality that if you can't get pregnant just do IVF it'll work.....not so I'm an example and so are some of my fellow IF both in RESOLVE and in blog land.

3. The little hope that we would be the ones to have the first grandchild on DH side was shattered when we learned of SIL pregnancy. Oh my gosh, where do I start with this one. She has no freaking clue about the precious gift and enormous responsibility she will have for the rest of her life. This is a person who when she could not deal with having to take care of a pet.....pawned it off on her mother. Jeez. She says she wants it to be a boy.....and I'm thinking hey be grateful that you got pregnant no complications even though you are NOT taking prenatal pills and drinking coke and RC all the freaking time......no water either. Oh and she was complaining that her husband's family is gonna buy all the baby stuff but that it's gonna be baby loony toons and she's upset at that......I was glad that I did tell her something, I told her "hey beggars can't be choosers, you're lucky you are getting all this w/out you paying for anything" she gave me this go to hell look but I smiled and walked away. :)

4. That we got into so much debt from our last IVF cycle plus had to pay our portion of the bills from the emergency surgery due to the Ectopic. Yes insurance paid some of the IVF meds and some of the hospital stay from the Ectopic but still it made us very very tight. so that in turn was hard on our relationship. We're hoping to be able to financially OK to go through w/ next IVF...I keep saying March or April but nothing written in stone till we know who much we're getting back from IRS.....

5. the hopelessness and depression I felt while taking this break. I don't regret the break so much as to how much longer due to financial reasons the break lasted. I have felt like maybe it'll never happen to me and part of me is looking forward to next IVF but we were REALLY REALLY hoping some how my remaining tube would get unblocked due to the acupuncture/herbs I'm taking. Yea not in your dreams. I hate that insurance does not cover any part of infertility treatments especially IVF.....they make it near impossible to have the one thing you want.....you pay an arm and a leg for what seems to come so freaking easy to everyone else.

The GOOD
1. I took a break from all the fertility treatments, drugs and stress of it all. Granted it was longer that we planned but in that time I feel like I am a little better prepared physically and mentally to take on another IVF. I have PCOS on top of having a blocked tube and with the acupuncture my cycles have not gone from 60-75 days to 30-32 day cycles! It may not mean much to someone when I tell them this but to your fellow IF'ers I know you get it.

2. I realized how blessed I am to have such a supportive husband, even though we get some support from my family and his family really when it comes down to it....he's my greatest cheerleader.....he cheers me on when my temps started rising from being an Arctic 96.5 now the lowest they get is 97.3.....he cheers me on when I go work out even though I'd rather sit and zone out in from of TV.....he gives me a thank you card that read: I'm in awe of what you are doing for us, all the sacrifices you are making by not eating your favorite food, exercising even when you hate it and going to acupuncture. All the things you are doing so that we can have our babies! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Love you so much, L.

3. All the wonderful new friends I've made through RESOLVE, seeing and talking to them helps give me hope again. Also to all of you that read my blog....I am truly honored. I never did think my lil o'l blog would ever be read by any one other than maybe myself or someone that stumbled upon it. Thank you all, for that that have left comments you don't know how much they make my day, my week sometimes. And for those that read my blog but don't post a comment, don't be shy....please let me know what you think of it.

4. I got rid of some toxic friends, their true colors came out while I was in the midst of going through fertility treatments and it took me till the beginning of 2007 to realize, hey I don't need this and I am a good friend so I deserve good friends! Cutting my losses with them has been therapeutic to me and I have no regrets. And I have heard that the one that gave me the most grief......she became unemployed and is in major debt. She basically was a total B**** to me and insisted I go to her baby shower even though she knew how hard it would be for me and not once did she thank you instead she walked around rubbing her stomach (she's a big big girl and didn't look pregnant) and kept saying "everyone pregnant girl here....and put a name tag on her stomach" it was torture. Also when she was getting married she wanted to hold her wedding shower on MY first anniversary but that's another story. But she did tell me that when I got pregnant she felt like I'd get all this attention,,,more than her, and it would be like I'd be having the messiah. WTF. yea she really did say that. So I'm so freaking glad she's down in the dumps cause she deserves that and she did it all to herself....no one told her to marry a bum who refuses to work 2mth after knowing him and getting pregnant 1mth after being married. But I digress.......I'm happy she's not in my life and other girl isn't either.

5. I lost weight, got a raise and took time to my self and spend it w/hubby too.

ok well that last one is a recap but still it's my #5. So there you have it, my GOOD/BAD of 2007. I ask everyone.........what was YOUR good/bad of 2007.

belated belated Feliz navidad......

Well this year we decided to be at home for Christmas and cook brisket and invite some friends over. It turned out nicer than I thought....we had a great time. I so was not looking forward to going to visit my in laws the next day only cause SIL was gonna be there....but hey gotta take one for the team I suppose. Oh by the way SIL is farther along than we all thought....she thought she was 8wks but she's 13 weeks! How the heck do you not pay attention if you missed a period especially when you are trying to get pregnant is beyond me....I guess being infertile makes me much more sensitive to knowing how your body works cycle-wise. Anywho.....we got there and it was OK.....she does NOT look preggers at all so that actually helped in that she was not doing any belly rubbing. She was being civil as well and nice............I actually started to like her again. I used to like hanging out with her but that comment ruined our friendship...apparently she's gotten very mean with EVERYONE and bitchy like no one's business. She snapped both at DH and her husband for little things...i could tell her husband was getting fed up with her attitude. Luckily I was not a victim of her bitchiness.....oh I was prepared believe me I was! Anyways not much happened we had a good time even played the game of Life. We came back near 9pm and I had to get ready for bed since I had work the next day......blah! I'm still very much sad these days but with the holidays out of the way I'm hoping I start to see a little of my old self. today is CD 24 and as far as symptoms go: sore breasts, cramping and sore lower back as well. Yes yes I know all signs of AF about to make her unpleasant visit...but these symptoms are far more strong than usual, part of me hopes that maybe just maybe I can be pregnant naturally.....but hey that's only hope. If I am not, we are still planning on going through with IVF #2 in March or April. Gosh I hope it's a success this time, nothing would be sweeter than to be pregnant on my birthday in April.....man that would rock!

Part of our family

So this past Friday one of our dogs had to be rushed to the veterinary emergency clinic. I had planned to enjoy my 1/2 day off from work to try to get over my sinus infection but, as luck would have it didn't happen that way. DH and I were sitting down enjoying a TV show when I got up to get something from the kitchen, well as usual Rudy, Abbey and Maddock all followed me. I turned around and that's when I noticed Rudy's upper part of his face looked swollen. I bent down to touch his face and noticed it was swollen and puffy. I yelled @ DH to come look @ Rudy because he didn't look right & when he saw what I'd seen we took off the Vet ER clinic. Now anyone who has a small dog or a cat knows that because of their size any allergic reaction whether it's cause of an insect bite or food that it's gonna affect them even more than a large dog. Well Rudy is a 7 lb chihuahua so you can imagine my concern especially since the swelling was spreading & I feared it would block his air way. Plus we weren't sure right away what caused it until DH saw a broken capsule on the couch....he'd ingested part of my herbal pills I take for liver/gallbladder support.
I took the bottle that the pills come in and we took that w/us to the clinic. We got there around 6ish but didn't leave till a little after 8pm, and we left with out him. let me tell you that night was not the same and the other dogs kept looking for him. We were able to pick him around 1pm the next day but I don't think anyone in our household slept well that night.
You see our dogs & cats are our fur babies until we have are human babies. Even if we ever are blessed with babies they will still be our first babies. But Rudy is a little bit extra special to me. He came to us in May 2006, the same month we lost our baby due to an ectopic. He was a belated birthday gift that I got from a friend. I was not looking to replace or forget our baby by any means, since it'd been 3 weeks and the loss was very much still fresh. But I was extremely depressed and was seeing a counselor to help deal with the loss but still felt broken, hollow and I was afraid I'd never be able to be a mother or "mother" anyone ever again. I was in a fog and just could not get out of it. Three days after we got him I went to my counseling session and even my counselor noticed something had changed in me, I smiled just talking about this 2lb little puppy. I talked to her about our newest addition but felt a bit guilty and didn't want it to seem to anyone that I'd forgotten or replaced our baby. But she assured me that what we lost was very precious and getting Rudy did not replace or make us forget that loss rather it allowed to ease the pain we as a couple felt. By focusing on this new puppy and his needs it took the focus of our heart & pain off us. I still cry from time to time and I know DH may or may not cry but he gets sad too for our loss we are both grateful for Rudy, who came to us at a time when we were hurting bad. And as for me, he helped me to be able to see that I can still be mothering. Each of our fur babies are special to us and some may or may not agree with me but to us they are part of our family. I hope we are blessed one day with child(ren) so they can experience the unconditional love a pet brings. Sometimes I sit and imagine how much richer our lives will be.
so here are a few picture of our fur babies. Enjoy. the top picture that is Rudy and Abbey and the other picture that is Maddock.

Blog you very much!

sorry this is such a late post but I have not been in the best of moods these holidays....but I wanted to do this post from an idea JJ @ reproductive jeans had. Basically it's to explain who inspired you to write a blog about your struggles with infertility and such.
Mine was Larissa over at waiting womb, I had the honor of first meeting her in our local central texas RESOLVE group. Her story inspired me not only to keep going and not loose faith in this battle with infertility but also to see that hey yea it sucks but it WILL HAPPEN. She's now blessed to be awaiting the birth of her beautiful baby girl Elodie. I've not been through all she's been through mainly cause our diagnosis is not the same but I feel and understand her struggle and frustration with the whole thing. I hope that when March/April comes around in 2008 that we will be blessed too. But for now just wanted to tell Larissa "blog you very much!"

I'll make sure I post some more in a couple of days...have some stuff other than SIL drama and infertility that I'd like to share....maybe even some photos of my furry babies! till then, stay warm & dry if ya'll live in Texas!

all things thankful- post thanksgiving....

OK so I'll start first off by saying the things I am thankful and then I'll finish this post with things I am not thankful for. so without further ado......here are my post thanksgiving list of thank you and thank you nots......
1. My husband who makes me laugh and tries to keep me optomistic about us having babies one day.
2. My job, yea the salary is ok and the work is steady so I'm able to splurge a little this holiday on gifts to loved ones.
3. My furry babies for the unconditional unbiased love, and non judgemental love. Enuf said.
4. My friends old and new that I have met @ Resolve and those I've known for a while.
5. My blog readers....I think I have some out there......I @ least hope so.
6. My family....miss them so much especially during the holidays.
that's pretty much it.

I'm not thankful.....
1. all the pregnant women out there including my bratty SIL, who by the way is due on DH bday....yea way to drive the knife in my heart after her doubtful comment about it never gonna happen to us.
2. The holidays, it reminds me that we lost a precious one last year and had he/she made it we'd be celebrating a first xmas and thanksgiving as a family....complete.
3. being childless...right now, having to wait to start a new IVF cycle in the new year when I feel like I"m wasting time waiting....
4. having to fill paper work to have our embryo moved to a cryo lab so it will not be disposed of for a future FET. yea it's a painful reminder of my failed IVF.
5. this infertility.....

ok well that's all for now...i wish I was my old self again...i can't for the life of me bring my self to be happy for SIL I CAN'T forget her commment....and what's worse it's beginning to affect my relationship w/dh.

The drama continues.....

I was doing better but THAN a couple of days ago DH was telling me about SIL (grrr) and how she's SO sick from nauseausness......and I just gave him this look. And then he says "you know they've been trying to get pregnant since last Nov. and just got pregnant now" my response? "ok, but I still can't forget her comment, and that makes it even worse since she was struggling to get pregnant WTF to say such a thing to another person whose struggling too" you all remember which one right? "i doubt it's gonna happen to you" about me getting pregnant....my husband's response? SILENCE. yup .....it's like our conversation last time about how much her comment hurt me and how he was gonna promise to stand for me went in one ear and out the other. OH so last night DH tells me again how SIL is complaining about nausea and can't eat anything but pickles....blah blah blah. and I finally tell him "don't talk to me about SIL or her pregnancy for while ok? cause it's not so much the pregnancy that bothers me but I really can't forget the comment she made." he tells me "oh I could tell her comment has bothered you for a while...." yet he has not brought it up to her!!!! WTF! he then tells me "I told her to prepare to have 2 pregnant women in the family" and that she said "oh really? that would be great I pray pray that it;ll happen to you two" I just have one word for that....Fakeness. Ok enough of my venting and bitching....I WANT to be over these feelings, I WANT to be my old self really I do but I CAN'T stop thinking about her fakeness. well enough of me...how are all of you? I bet doing MUCH MUCH better than me.

CD1

well I found out after coming home from my acupuncture (which was probably the highlight of my day) that my SIL is pregnant.damnit. You know I should have known or at least been prepared to recieve the news but what hurts me too is the fact that she was scared of telling me. I think hubby made it even harder for her to to do that cause every freakin time he talked to her, he kept asking her "so are you pregnant?" WTF!!!!!!! I was doing good this whole time even starting to "hope" that my time would come soon but now.......yea that's gone down to shit. What's worse is I felt obligated to call her and do the "congratulations I'm so happy for you....speech using my fake-ass I'm SO HAPPY voice" I know it would have been hard for me either way but that fact that stupid hubby kept asking her anytime he called to talk to her makes me ( at least how I see it) look like I would be devasted and did not want her to get pregnant. And to top it off when she first told L ( hubby) that they would be trying to get pregnant he told her "I wish you would consider waiting cause I wanted to be the one who had the first grandchild cause I'm the oldest" My sweet stupid husband.....as you can see he says stupid shit like that with out thinking of who it'll affect first....his sister and me. So you see my dilema? yea real shitty. I feel like now I can't even talk to him anymore cause I have no idea what he'll do next time he calls her. I mean will he say "don't talk about your baby cause it'll upset my wife........" Of coarse he told me don't worry we'll get pregnant next...yea and we'll also win the lotto. So I sit here blogging, in between cramping and crying my eyes out. I hope she doesn't call me later cause I had to wash my face and cool down before I called her. today i feel like it will never happen to us and I might as well accept that.Today I feel lonely, heartbroken, frustrated and hopeless. oh and I almost forgot...........my SIL found out this morning she's pregnant and to top if off told DH ( after he congrats her and says he can't wait for it to happen to us) she's sorry but she's doubting it'll happen to us. nice huh? just for that, part of me wants to get pregnant so i can rub it in her face....what a little witch!

Oh yea, today AF started. Lovely day huh?