hello hello........

I realize that some may not want to celebrate or acknowledge today especially if you are going through the struggles of IF, but I still want to send out positive thoughts to everyone and lots of hugs.
Well I gotta say from my last post, I am feeling better much better after venting out to a friend of mine I met at RESOLVE. Plus that day I happen to have my acupuncture appt so I took the time while I'm lying on the bed w/needles in me to meditate. It helped me relax and also gave me time to "speak" to my little one....I told him/her that I was very grateful he/she had picked us as parents and trusts me with his/her life. I told him/her that it was loved very much and we hoped he/she stay with us and continue to grow strong and healthy. I told my little one that until I have to share him/her with the outside world that he/she is all mine and it's just the two of us for the mths to come. After my "talk" I felt a sense of peace and just felt like all will turn out all right. ok, not trying to be all new agey or anything but it's how I felt. Now all was going good and well UNTIL tuesday when I got a call from DH telling me one of his friends from work the wife was losing the baby. Now why would this put me in panic mode after weeks of calmness? Because she is only 1 week behind me. Apparently all was going well no signs of distress then she started to bleed and it got worse so they admitted her to the hospital and she had to have a D&C that day. So now I'm all paranoid and my little bubbly of hope that I held on to has burst. I'm not naive I KNOW the pain of loss and I know a pregnancy can end just like that no rhyme or reason, That is what makes having to wait for my next dr appt @ the end of the month feel like ages from now. Today I'm off from work so I'm going to take it easy and I have my acupuncture appt so I may just try to meditate on the good in the pregnancy so far. I feel somewhat guilty though that sometimes I don't "feel" pregnant. It's a daily struggle I know this but part of me wants to fast forward to 2nd trimester when my chances, statistically speaking, become lower. I'm afraid to day dream about what it will be like to have a big'o belly and to start feeling the baby moving....I'm afraid to day dream in case my dreams comes crashing down. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I know of 2 other women whom I met for dinner last night that are pregnant after either IVF or acupuncture. They have the same fears as I do but they are both in their 2nd trimester.............gosh I look at my widget and it seems like an eternity till I get there. But I guess all I can do is wait and keep hoping that this little one is still alive and well and sticking around. Alot of family and friends are looking forward to meeting our little one in the coming months.

that's just the kind of luck I have....NOT

So today I found out that SIL is having a boy. My reaction to this news.............devasted. Ok I could blame it on my wacky pregnancy hormones as to why I'm jealous, my culture that I wanted to be one to have the first boy, or I can just be very frank about why I'm upset about it. But before I go into that I'd like to say in my defense yes this makes me look like a bitch when I say I'm not happy she's having a boy that I wanted her to have a girl since she really really wanted a boy, but really I'm not a bitch I'm very nice just ask anyone really and normally I don't hold grudges unless you've hurt me to the core. Well that being said, I am holding a grudge towards her because of the comment she made late last year about she doubting we'd ever get pregnant on our own, I can't help it people that was an uncalled for bitchy ass remark and I am holding on to that grudge seriously dunno if I will ever let it go but right now I can't I just can't. So because of that comment I was really hoping she'd get a girl since when she was down here visiting she went on and on about how she wants a boy and that's all she wanted, so basically my jealously wanted her to NOT get what she wanted for.....once. So DH is ok with it and said and i quote " I don't see what the big deal is" . DH thinks and keeps telling me we're having a boy too, here's the thing people I was ok having a boy or a girl I really am I mean I prayed, sweated, did acupuncture and cried over even getting pregnant so I know what a miracle this baby is BUT part of me wanted to give his family the first grandson since DH is the first son of the first son I thought "hey that would be neat to have a boy..." so now I'm kinda hoping we have a girl only cause if we have a boy I know how she is and how his family is................they will compare. Yup there I said it, so if I have a girl she'll still be a "first" and SIL can't compare her boy to my girl. But with my luck I may end up having a boy but I tell ya what, I will not stand for any comparing. ahhh. this so sucks and has ruined my entire day. I just need to vent to someone so i think I'll call a friend of mine who I know will be sympathtic rather that try to talk to DH and get no where.

update

We saw the heartbeat last Thursday and even though we didn't get to hear it on the doppler it was enough for us. I'm still very much in awe and it doesn't seem like this is happening to me.......guess all those years of infertility have really messed with my head and such. My Dr was able to finally pinpoint how far along I am, due to me having PCOS, I didn't even know when I ovulated. She said at the time baby was measuring 7wks and 3 days, but from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be 8wks & 3days.....I of coarse became alarmed at the discrepancy between dates but she said it was no biggie and that everything looked right on target. I'm still nervous and will be until my next appointment at the end of the mth but I want to stay positive about this possibility that this may very well turn out good for us. I have a picture but since I gotta wait till I can borrow my friend's scanner I may not get to upload it till later on this week. If not well, it may be later later on. I told my friends at my local RESOLVE and all of them were very supportive but I could tell they were hurt too. I struggled with either emailing them or telling them and decided to tell them in person since I've known them a while from either at the RESOLVE meetings, emailing, talking on the phone or meeting outside the meetings. I feel guilty that I won't get to go to those meetings anymore and that I'm "Here" while they are still either waiting to start treatments, coping with failed IUI's or IVF's, or starting treatments. Part of me is just torn because I feel guilty for being happy I'm farther along than I was last time I was pregnant but that I'm leaving so many good friends I've met behind. And I also mean some of the bloggers I've met in Blogland. If you all can, please go over to JJ's blog. She could really use some positive support right now. I'll try to update a little more often but can't promise much..........please keep checking back though because I may have a new update.

just here...............

Nothing new to report, I still don't "feel" pregnant aside from the sometimes cramping, sore boobs and lower back really it feels like I'm about to start my period. On occasion too I get indigestion and constipation with certain foods. I'm very very scared about my upcoming Dr appointment on the 31st of this mth. I'm not sure how I will handle it if I get bad news. My worst case scenario in my head has been that there's been no growth and I'll have to have a D&C, why do I fear that you ask? Well when you are thrust into the world of infertility and you see others get pregnant you see the joy and miracle that comes with that as well as the down fall that can happen just like that. I can't tell you how many women I've met or read about either here in Blogs I read or @ my local RESOLVE group that have gotten pregnant and they feel like "ok NOW I finally got pregnant I'm out of the woods" and everything seems to be going well and then fetal growth just stops just like that OR they end up miscarrying. That people is my greatest fear. It does not help that my OB will not do any more blood work or that the soonest sonogram I will get is next week, Thursday. My mom and in laws keep telling me to just relax and enjoy it.........but how can I for all I know this little may have stopped growing. You know what I can just add ONE more damn thing to the list of why I loathe infertility, it not only f**ks with your self esteem when you CAN'T get pregnant but it messes w/you AFTER you do cause any little wetness I feel I run to the bathroom thinking "oh now, it's what I feared". Take yesterday for example, I was freaking out cause the only symptoms I had were slight period like cramping and lower back pain. My boobs didn't hurt like they'd been doing since I got pregnant NOR did I have morning sickness. I freaking out so bad I looked online for symptoms of miscarriage, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. Crazy huh? well as you can well imagine I did not sleep well last night tossing and turning thinking maybe I should not have felt so detached to this little one but I'm scared right now to get too attached and watch my bubble burst. Oy, seriously if there were some meds I could safely take right now I'd take it, seriously I need a chill pill. So today at least for today my boobs "slightly" feel sore and I've got some indigestion. No cramping or morning sickness. I never thought I'd say this but I WISH for some serious morning sickness. Oh please please stay little one, we both really want you and can't wait for you to become more real to us. We can't wait till we get to see you next week, please keep growing strong and big little one.
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.

I can't believe it..........

that's what I said after my sonogram was done..............it was yesterday and according to what the tech saw.....I am 4weeks and 3 days. We saw a gestational sac w/yolk. It was in my opinion the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and a long time coming too. I keep pinching myself thinking this is all a dream.........I was supposed to do IVF#2 in April.......but yet now I see the beginning of this tiny little being snuggled in my uterus. Thank you to all who sent me out positive vibes, I still have worries especially since I know how precious this gift is and how it can end so quickly. And in typical form, I've set myself up some "hurdles or mild stones" that I need to pass so I can breathe a sigh of relief. My first hurdle is that I hear a heartbeat and that may not be till another week or two. All this is new to me and I still can't believe it I guess I have infertility to blame for that frame of mind. Please please little one, hang on tight and grow big and strong. Again thank you for every one's positive thoughts, I hope everyone who is starting a cycle whether it's FET, IUI or IVF gets the blessing they so deserve.

Waiting game......

I swear I can literally hear the clock ticking in my house! Gosh all this waiting is agony and I can't help but think as an infertile we do ALOT of waiting but lack of patience. We wait to try naturally if we'll concieve, we wait during IUI or IVF if that cycle is a BFP or BFN, then we wait after we get the good news to see if this pregnancy will indeed stick. Well right now I'm in the last part of waiting because today I go to the lab to give more blood and this SHOULD tell my Dr if indeed we are dealing with an ectopic or normal pregnancy. Since Monday I've been on pins and needles because any little twitch or cramp in my pelvic area I start sweating and dreading it's a sign of it being ectopic. I'm trying my damnest to keep positive but I'm afraid if I start to enjoy this little light, as I've been doing, then I'm setting myself up for a let down. I googled what was the % of another ectopic happening and it was 30%....no bad huh? But only if the other tube was good.........well that's the thing folks my other tube WAS blocked at the end so do I even fall in that %? The way my luck has gone so far with pregnancies.........I may very well be in that 30%. I'm gonna give my Dr till tommorrow to give me my results because yes I'll admit it I'm chicken to call any sooner......I figure if it's bad news the longer I can safely delay it the better for me to prepare for it. But I've gotta call Thurs anyways in case I don't get a call back from them only because I need to know what's my next step? Do I go in for more blood work? Will I have to get a sonogram w/the dildo cam? I mean what? this is really a matter of life and death I can't be waiting..................whew......ok calm down calm down......my blood pressure is up I'm getting ahead of my self but it's how my brain is wired.......I've not been in this place in a LONG time so I'm at loss on what to do. I hope hope hope please be in the right spot little one, we've waited a long time for you and alot of people are rooting for you. PLEASE I want to finally be a mom by birthday in April, I hope I get my wish. I'll post most likely tomorrow unless I get a call today. Wish me luck everyone!

*********** UPDATE********************
Monday's HCG results: 546
Wednesday's HCG results: 1315!
I am scheduled for an ultrasound Friday at noon
I'm not running down the street telling everyone yet.........I'm still cautious I've learned from watching other women in my RESOLVE group that some have great beta numbers but nothing growing but the sac. I know we won't see anything we may not even hear a heartbeat but I will delighted to know that it's not in my remaining tube I WANT & NEED for this little one to be in my womb where it can grow strong and be nourished. It has not really sunk in for me yet I guess I'm still needing one more hurdle to cross the ultra sound............I hope and I NEED for this to work out. PLEASE let this be the year I become a mom please dear Lord.

a little secret.....

ok so what I thought was AF on CD36 turned out it wasn't.....I POAS today and wonders of wonders it was positive. I don't know what to think people.....my RE told me it would be impossible for me to get pregnant again in my one tube that was left since it was closed off but yet...........two pink lines say otherwise. I'm cautious........extremely so and detached only because I'm preparing myself for it to be ectopic. I don't want to get my hopes up not even a little bit because I'm afraid if I do then when my beta tests comes back and it is ectopic then I'll crash harder. I keep saying its ectopic only cause how could my tube be open I mean it was closed and my only chance was through IVF. This is not supposed to have happened not this way...........Part of me a small part wants it to be a valid pregnancy but that's my heart talking.......my brain keeps saying louder "it may have made it through an opening in the tube but it's probably stuck midway...don't get to attached it's not going to last". I want to have hopeful happy thoughts but I just can't.......does that make sense? As for symptoms I have tender tender and swollen (.)(.) and some of my sports bras are not fitting. My BBT temps have spiked up they have been in the 98.1 realm now have jumped up to 98.4. Dunno if that means anything or if that is an indication if it's ectopic or not. I've been fatigued as well and hungrier too. I tried to remember how I felt last time and I think I remember feeling pain in my left shoulder and I was hungrier and swollen and tender breasts as well but not fatigued also I was not as emotional as I am now. Oh Lordy Lordy please please let this be our miracle that we've been waiting for. Let me finally be a mom. I've only told my mom and sisters and DH has told his parents and siblings....yes even SIL knows...she says she's excited and hopes it's not ectopic again. I feel almost numb you know? I'm making an appointment tommorrow for blood work and I hope that by the end of the week I'll know if we'll be parents in late fall or my dreams have been shattered. I guess if anything I can be thankful that my tube did unblock and I AM pregnant at least for today and for that I am thankful. I keep thinking this is not real...........I NEVER thought I'd see those 2 pink lines again ever again in my life. So I close with words that my heart keeps saying...
Please please let this be, I want to be a mommy I want to finally have the dream we've been hoping for. I'm scared and even though it's too early I still have feelings of hope for this little light inside me. Please be in the right spot please!