Learning to let go...little by little

Sofia has started daycare.........sigh.....yes it's been hard for me to allow someone other than myself or Luke to watch her. I've been very blessed I must say in that I was able to enjoy all to myself for about 9 weeks and then handed the reins over to her daddy who had her till she just last Monday for about 2 weeks. It did help the transition in that I didn't miss her as much when I went back to work because I knew she was with daddy but that first day I dropped her off in daycare it nearly broke my heart. I completely trust her sitter and I know she'll be taken care and all her needs will be met but what was tugging at my heart strings was that my poor baby woud miss me or her daddy. And my mother instinct was correct because she looked a little sad and the sitter kept going on and on how good a baby she was, that she gave her no fuss and just enjoyed looking out the window and sitting down and just looking at everyone. I know my child and when she is in a new place around new people she freezes up and is not the bubbly little baby I know who coos and gaas and smiles constantly. I trust the sitter gave her attention and she took good care of her but I know in my heart that she missed me and she's the type of baby who takes a little longer to warm up to new people. I know this not only cause I'm her mother but because I learned all her habits/personality while it was just me taking care of her. She takes after Daddy in that respect, he's slow to warm up to new people and situations/environments. At first he comes across as very shy, reserved but once he becomes comfortable watch out cause he's a chatter box and very open/friendly. Me on the other hand, I am more outgoing, quite the opposite, but I have learned how to introduce Luke to new people & I do the same for Sofia...except on her first day of daycare I couldn't stay w/her since I was running late for work. I know in my heart she'll be fine and she'll eventually come out of her shell and come around but a small part of me feels guilty for how she feels now and I wish she could understand that she's ok @ daycare and that I will always come back to pick her up. A good friend of mine told me to look at it this way....at least sofia is only in daycare mon/tues and every other wed and on thursdays/fridays she gets Daddy time until I get home from work and on the weekends she gets both of us. After seeing it this way I feel a tad better but still it's hard to let go but it's something I have to learn to do....little by little.

At last............motherhood. I'm tired, elated, in awe of this wonderful miracle that I see sleeping in her crib while I write this post. I now understand fully what the other bloggers felt when they wrote how in awe they were to see their baby how it was surreal. Yes, I understand now fully because you see when I see this precious tiny person who not too long ago was growing inside me, and to think.........tommorrow she will be 3 weeks old! where does the time pass? Well let me recall what all has happened so far.
She was born Sept 5, 2008 @ 10:20am weighing in at 6lbs and 12 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. I had been in labor since wednesday Sept. 3!!! I thought I just had braxton hick contractions but they were the REAL thing! I went to work that day as if nothing and by midday i came home and did not go into work the next day either since it being thursday it was my dr's appointment @ 3pm. well i get there and she checks me and sees I'm 100% effaced and at a station 0 but only dialted 3 cm she checks me into L/D. by 7pm that evening she broke my water and 2 hrs later I still had not dialted so I was given Pitocin.....OMG that is when the real pains began. I finally was in so much pain I got the epidural and was able to sleep for 3 hrs and dialated to 7 cm! after that i progressed much better and just pushing less than 15 mins she came out. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I ever have heard.................I was all tears and it was of joy and feeling as FINALLY here is this moment I've waited so long for is HERE thanking God for bringing us both through the labor/birth safe and sound and HEALTHY. I never really had an "idea" of what she would look like but when I finally saw her I was completely and utterly in love w/her...........she was PERFECT and the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I looked at Luke and he was just in amazement and thanking me over and over and saying he loved me and loved us and just in amazement. I look back at that moment now and think..........."wow did I really experience that?" it's hard for me now when I look at her to think " wow she's is daughter...........she belongs to US.....I grew her inside me!.....she's a part of me and Luke"
Now as for the present? well she's getting bigger, getting her little baby fat rolls on and each day I think God for her and pray that he keep her well, safe and happy all the days of her life. I want her to know she is so loved, and is/was so wanted by not only us, her parents, but others too. I want to be the best mom I can for her, what ever that means. I have a new role and a new path to take and each day now I take it one day at a time and cherish every coo, every cry whether it's because she's bored and wants to be carried, changed because she's soiled her diaper or is hungry...I cherish it all I think more than the average mom because I KNOW what this child means....what her presense in our life means...........a true blessing.

still here so far.........

I’ve been so bad about keeping up with this blog, and it’s not because I have NOTHING to write about it’s the lack of energy I have these days. I’m now nearing the end of this wonderful journey and before we know it, Luke and I will embark on a new journey as parents. I’ve been blessed in that I have no real “complaints” about aches and pains, I’m thinking it’s not cause I don’t’ have them but I am CHERISHING every little detail of this little being growing inside me. Infertility robbed me of a lot of things in my life and consumed me with anguish, doubt and fear but this pregnancy has erased all those awful memories and replaced them with beautiful new ones. I’ve not forgotten what I had to go through to get here but I find myself surprised that those memories don’t hurt anymore. My little girl has been a miracle and life saver for us……..yes I said “little girl”. We found out 3 weeks ago while I was killing time for my hour glucose test and my OB did a quick look-see and we found out we’re going to be parents to a little girl. We’re so over the moon, I know I would have been happy even with a little boy but somehow I feel a little bit more of a connection knowing I’m having a girl. I talk and sing to her and now she reacts to those actions. She moves all the time and I can tell when she’s asleep as well as when she’s most active during the day. I have to admit I will miss being pregnant because I have her all to myself right now and we are inseparable. I’m now a lot slower and a simple walk with the dogs and chores makes me more tired easily but still I have a smile on my face because I know in 10ish weeks we’ll meet our most awaited treasure, our daughter. It’s still taken me time to adjust to being asked how I’m doing and if I’m feeling ok especially with this TX heat, and no one can understand even with the fatigue, heat and the extra weight how I can keep a smile on my face. But to me it’s easy you see, and I have my little girl to thank for that, she’s allowed me to view this whole pregnancy experience in a new light. I went through so many tears and hurt to be able to experience all that pregnancy brings with it, yes even the heartburn and backache I remind myself that this beats being where we were over a year ago. I’ve met some pregnant women along the way, whom you can tell never had to battle infertility, in prenatal class, bookstores and work who all seem to have the same consensus…. they are just plain tired of being pregnant and can’t wait for that baby to be born already, it almost sounds to me like a burden. I guess it’s another thing that infertility has made me realize, how to be grateful for what I have or going through. To me she’s not a burden and even though I wonder now more than ever what she’ll look like but I feel a bit sad and feel as if time is flying by so much faster, I’ve truly enjoyed that my body has be able to sustain her and help her grown stronger and bigger each day, since for the longest time I felt my body was “broken”. And even if she’s the only one we have, at least now I can say I survived and beat infertility and have a beautiful child to show for it.

a different kind of view...

It seems with only 15 more weeks to go in this pregnancy, I'm starting to see things in a different light now. We went to see my family in McAllen Tx and it was great to see them all but boy was it HOT and HUMID!!!! OMG I spent more time inside than outside, but Luke played with the kids the whole time kicking the ball, jumping around....yea to them he is the uncle that is a kid just like them. And though it was an enjoyable time spending it with the family I could not help but think that it seemed different to me. My nieces asked if I would bring the baby to visit and how much fun they were to have. To me my own nieces looked different I guess because all these years when I was single, newly married or TTC I saw myself as just their Aunt and to me they were the closest thing I would have, as far as having a child in my life...now all that changed. I'm still Aunt Ivonne BUT now rather than just sending them b-day cards and gifts and giving them advice I find myself imaging what the holidays will be like when we take our child to visit them...their cousin. I have 4 nieces and a nephew and the girls are so very curious, smart and take care of each other but I also see how they are with my nephew, who has special needs, and how much more delicate they are with him. And now with this little one my whole view of my immediate family changes in a way I never knew could. I worried at first if I'd be able to get pregnant, THEN if it would be a viable pregnancy, THEN if I could make it past the first trimester, THEN if I could pass the down syndrome test....seeing my family and interacting with them now gives me the courage to face whatever else may even come up.....if infertility has taught me anything it's taught me that nothing in life is certain. So far OLO (our little one) is right on target but I wonder if he/she may show some slow developments later on just as my nephew, notice how I say "wonder" it's odd to me to not "worry" about this when everyone that knows me describes me as a worrywort. I think seeing my family, seeing how happy and accepting they are of other tells me now matter what, all will be ok. I'm no longer just Aunt Ivonne, I'm more part of my family in a way I wasn't before, does that make sense?

My first

I cant' believe it, I finally get to celebrate mother's day. I'll admit it's scary and I don't have a live baby in my arms but this Mother's day is different from other years that have come and gone, I have a live baby growing inside. I've started to feel our little one more now, he/she seems to be very active right as I get up till about noonish and then again in the evening until I go to bed. I still am in awe everytime I feel those pokes and feels like it moves a limb across my stomach tickling me. I love it all, the pokes even the jumping on my bladder...I've waited a long time to experience it all. I even am learning to relax and start to feel optimistic about have a baby shower in July. How optimisitc? well my friend,Irene, convinced me to register at both Babies R'US and Target.....how about that for starting to see the glass more than half full? I do have my days that are filled with anxiety but they seem to be balanced by hopeful days. I love my stretch marks that I'm getting and my "linea negra" on my belly. One thing I don't like is heartburn I get, luckily I've figured out what foods give me heartburn so I stay away from them. I think I can actually say I'm enjoying being pregnant FINALLY. I just wish I had a bigger belly but I still have my little bump to show. I'm a full figured girl to begin with so, that may explain why it just looks like I'm gaining weight but I don't care I get reassurance every time I get a kick, poke or what feels like a somersault. So far I've gained about 4lbs but I'm eating all the time but keeping up with my walking. I wish I knew if we were having a son or daughter so I can start calling it by it's name but I have to wait until the end of June to see if my dr can squeezw another ultrasound in and check the gender. I've included 2 pictures of my ultrasound; the first one is profile and the second one is of the feet. It seems our little one has inherited Daddy's toes. I had to take a picture with my camera since I don't have a scanner, maybe with the stimulus checks we're getting I can invest in a good one.

2 years

I have a post I want to share of my sono from last week and pictures (that hopefully came out clear enough) but this post seemed to weigh heavy on my heart and I couldn't bring myself to write about all that when the anniversary of loosing sweetpea was coming up. I have mixed feelings this year about it, could be because last year I was not pregnant and felt hopeless that my one chance had come and gone on May 1, 2006. But yet here I am 20 weeks along (i have to update my widget sorry) and with a presumbly healthy baby yet still I feel conflicted. It seems like it's someone else whose pregnant yet I know it's me and I'm not feeling the pain of being stressed about not being pregnant; does that make any sense? I think on this day and if we had not lost our little angel I'd have a toddler and one on the way, we'd be a family of 4 to be not a family of 3 to be. I try to make sense of it and tell myself that all things happen for a reason but yet I can't find the reason. And because of what happened 2 yrs ago I feel somewhat unattached to this baby, maybe it's because even though the wound has closed up and doesn't hurt like it did it's still tender and I dont' want to get attached to this baby until it's born just to make sure NOTHING else can happen and I have to go through all those awful emotions of loss. I feel guilty because I feel this baby deserves more of me than just nutrition and a safe environment; but I just can't seem to open up my heart to the prospect of all being ok, I keep thinking what if the rug is pulled from me if I allow myself to actually start enjoying this pregnancy and actually start making plans for a baby to come join our house in September? the fact that I feel pokes and bubbles every once in a while doesn't help me feel connected to this baby. I've fears and I'm not sure if they are normal fears that "normal pregnant" women feel....I really don't feel like I'm a normal pregnant woman....I still feel different. I fear that the baby will not bond with me and will not want me, that I may not be able to bond with the baby, that I won't be a good mom to this baby. I just wish and keep waiting for the day that someone can tell me "ok now you can exhale, all is ok and will remain ok" I just want to start feeling as a mom-to-be should be feeling at this moment.

blue or pink?

well it's one more day to go till we find out if we will have little girl or boy.....we have names picked out but I'm not yet sharing maybe I'll share later. I'm nervous that something might go wrong, so nervous it's stressing me out and I've not had a good night's rest for the past 2 weeks! I'm having nightmares that the baby is dead, missing a limb, has no brain etc....I wake up in a sweat and shaking. I know that there is some possibility all can go OK and normal in this pregnancy BUT...there's always a but right? I'm just afraid very afraid that anything can go right since nothing concerning getting pregnant ever came easy to me, yes this time it was w/out IVF but still I've had my share of heartache and I still am somewhat detached from this child, very different from my first pregnancy that ended in an ectopic, it makes me feel guilty. I hate to say this but yes it's true, even when I hear the heartbeat it seems surreal to me like that heartbeat can't possibly be MY baby....no I could be hearing someone else's baby's heartbeat. I report to you all about it and how I'm happy at last and I am but I'm much more detached than I am attached, does that make sense? I'm happy that I've gotten this far and as far as the DR, all sounds normal and such and I finally have a tiny bump but I CAN'T allow myself to feel like he/she is a part of me and growing inside me. Maybe it's cause I have not felt movement yet, dunno. Maybe it's because I've longed for a baby for so long and lived with infertility that I know nothing else, it's almost as if infertility has become my security blanket. I'm hoping all goes well and MAYBE just maybe seeing this baby on the monitor will make me feel closer to it and maybe it will sink in that I may very well be a mom in September and there's really a living being inside me. seriously I can't fathom I could be someone MOM, I can't picture myself as nothing more than someone's aunt, sister, & friend. Hopefully seeing this baby, OUR baby, tommorrow will finally start to heal those wounds of infertility and feelings of inadequacy and pessimism that I have carried as a security blanket for so long. I can only hope.