Dream a little dream.........

All of us have a dream, I'm sure. Some of us have "big" dreams others have "small" dreams. I think my dream is neither.....it's a dream that has grown out of the desire in my heart for my daughter. You see I'm dreaming that sometime this year I can become an a stay at home mom. I've told a couple of friends and family this dream and I get either of these two reactions: " really? are you sure? don't you want to stay with the state and contribute to your retirement, you know the economy is not very good right now." OR i get...." wow! that's great! it's a BIG decision but one that will be worth while in the long run" I always thought if I EVER was blessed to become a mother I'd vow to be the BEST mom I could to MY child. Don't get me wrong I have NOTHING against working moms....hey I am one! But lately it's been tugging at my heartstrings to become a SAHM. I see Sofie growing up and every day she does something NEW...and I'm not there to see it first hand until I get home and the either Luke or the sitter tells me about it. Luke and I discussed me becoming SAHM mths before Sofie was born actually as soon as we found out it was a viable pregnancy and for all intent and purposes that all would turn out well in the end. I was a little hesitant to the idea at first only because I've been working since I was like 15. I enjoyed staying those 8plus weeks I had off for Maternity leave but I was also glad to be back at work. Then I went back to work and that first day was HELL. All my fellow co-worker moms told me " oh it gets better, yea you miss them at first but really you'll get over it..." guess what...........I'm not OVER it. I think I miss Sofie more today than that first day I dropped her off at daycare. Luke and I have thought how can we afford for one of us to stay home especially with his job being a little shaky. We've gone over our budget and after paying off some of the store credit cards, credit cards and our car we can manage w/his income alone....this fortunately can be done w/ some savings and income tax rebate. It will be tough but we can make ONLY if he doesn't get laid off like alot of his co-workers. We have thought of that as well and he's got a job lined up the only thing is it would take him out of town 5 days a week and we'd see him only the weekends. I don't know I feel silly even wanting to be a SAHM, but in my heart I feel it's the right thing for MY family. Luke also has been talking about going to night school and getting a daytime job elsewhere. I do have a way of making some money on the side while I stay at home...a friend of mine is due in May and will not be going back to work till after the end of July, she's been looking around at daycares but can't afford the 1200 plus that it costs and that was at a place that was the cheapest. so she's asked me if i can look after her son and she'd pay me about $700 and I'd have him from 6:30 till 2pm. It is a possibility I definitely would take but again it all rests on if Luke can secure a job by end of July. So till then I dream my dream...who knows maybe it will come true....I mean I did have a dream to become a mom and well we all know how well that ended. :)

first christmas

happy belated Christmas. This christmas was the best christmas ever, hands down. It was way more meaningful and even though Sofia got presents it was fine. She was the best present Luke and I got. I hope all had a joyous day.

3 months old!

so this is a late post, but I can't believe Sofia is now 3 mths old! I browsed her pictures from when she was born and when we brought her home and she's changed so much! everyday she's getting bigger and bigger and even though I'm happy she's healthy and meeting all the milestones on target I can't help but feel a little sadness as well. I'm a little sad that in some ways she is becoming more independent from me and it's not by much now but I know w/every milestone she reaches she won't be as helplessly dependent on me as she was the first few days of life or when I carried her inside me. I didn't think it would bother me so much but I first realized it when I stopped breastfeeding her; true it was not by choice but because I went back to work but still...she no longer needed ME for nutrition, she could get that from formula/bottle. Also while giving away some of her newborn clothes to a newly pregnant friend I realized...she no longer fits in these...she's growing up...too fast. I know in my heart I will always be her mother and that in some way she'll always need me...I mean even me at 33 yrs old I need my mom too...not as much but I still do and there are somethings that only my mom can do for me; so I tell myself this as she is no longer a newborn but now an infant.

so thankful

Certaintly without a doubt this was the best Thanksgiving ever. Sofia is the biggest thanks we have in our lives this year. We give thanks also for our jobs, friends, health but she's our biggest thanks. Last year was so lonely, I can't believe this year we have this little one here with us, and we get to spend every day with her.

Learning to let go...little by little

Sofia has started daycare.........sigh.....yes it's been hard for me to allow someone other than myself or Luke to watch her. I've been very blessed I must say in that I was able to enjoy all to myself for about 9 weeks and then handed the reins over to her daddy who had her till she just last Monday for about 2 weeks. It did help the transition in that I didn't miss her as much when I went back to work because I knew she was with daddy but that first day I dropped her off in daycare it nearly broke my heart. I completely trust her sitter and I know she'll be taken care and all her needs will be met but what was tugging at my heart strings was that my poor baby woud miss me or her daddy. And my mother instinct was correct because she looked a little sad and the sitter kept going on and on how good a baby she was, that she gave her no fuss and just enjoyed looking out the window and sitting down and just looking at everyone. I know my child and when she is in a new place around new people she freezes up and is not the bubbly little baby I know who coos and gaas and smiles constantly. I trust the sitter gave her attention and she took good care of her but I know in my heart that she missed me and she's the type of baby who takes a little longer to warm up to new people. I know this not only cause I'm her mother but because I learned all her habits/personality while it was just me taking care of her. She takes after Daddy in that respect, he's slow to warm up to new people and situations/environments. At first he comes across as very shy, reserved but once he becomes comfortable watch out cause he's a chatter box and very open/friendly. Me on the other hand, I am more outgoing, quite the opposite, but I have learned how to introduce Luke to new people & I do the same for Sofia...except on her first day of daycare I couldn't stay w/her since I was running late for work. I know in my heart she'll be fine and she'll eventually come out of her shell and come around but a small part of me feels guilty for how she feels now and I wish she could understand that she's ok @ daycare and that I will always come back to pick her up. A good friend of mine told me to look at it this way....at least sofia is only in daycare mon/tues and every other wed and on thursdays/fridays she gets Daddy time until I get home from work and on the weekends she gets both of us. After seeing it this way I feel a tad better but still it's hard to let go but it's something I have to learn to do....little by little.

At last............motherhood. I'm tired, elated, in awe of this wonderful miracle that I see sleeping in her crib while I write this post. I now understand fully what the other bloggers felt when they wrote how in awe they were to see their baby how it was surreal. Yes, I understand now fully because you see when I see this precious tiny person who not too long ago was growing inside me, and to think.........tommorrow she will be 3 weeks old! where does the time pass? Well let me recall what all has happened so far.
She was born Sept 5, 2008 @ 10:20am weighing in at 6lbs and 12 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. I had been in labor since wednesday Sept. 3!!! I thought I just had braxton hick contractions but they were the REAL thing! I went to work that day as if nothing and by midday i came home and did not go into work the next day either since it being thursday it was my dr's appointment @ 3pm. well i get there and she checks me and sees I'm 100% effaced and at a station 0 but only dialted 3 cm she checks me into L/D. by 7pm that evening she broke my water and 2 hrs later I still had not dialted so I was given Pitocin.....OMG that is when the real pains began. I finally was in so much pain I got the epidural and was able to sleep for 3 hrs and dialated to 7 cm! after that i progressed much better and just pushing less than 15 mins she came out. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I ever have heard.................I was all tears and it was of joy and feeling as FINALLY here is this moment I've waited so long for is HERE thanking God for bringing us both through the labor/birth safe and sound and HEALTHY. I never really had an "idea" of what she would look like but when I finally saw her I was completely and utterly in love w/her...........she was PERFECT and the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I looked at Luke and he was just in amazement and thanking me over and over and saying he loved me and loved us and just in amazement. I look back at that moment now and think..........."wow did I really experience that?" it's hard for me now when I look at her to think " wow she's is daughter...........she belongs to US.....I grew her inside me!.....she's a part of me and Luke"
Now as for the present? well she's getting bigger, getting her little baby fat rolls on and each day I think God for her and pray that he keep her well, safe and happy all the days of her life. I want her to know she is so loved, and is/was so wanted by not only us, her parents, but others too. I want to be the best mom I can for her, what ever that means. I have a new role and a new path to take and each day now I take it one day at a time and cherish every coo, every cry whether it's because she's bored and wants to be carried, changed because she's soiled her diaper or is hungry...I cherish it all I think more than the average mom because I KNOW what this child means....what her presense in our life means...........a true blessing.

still here so far.........

I’ve been so bad about keeping up with this blog, and it’s not because I have NOTHING to write about it’s the lack of energy I have these days. I’m now nearing the end of this wonderful journey and before we know it, Luke and I will embark on a new journey as parents. I’ve been blessed in that I have no real “complaints” about aches and pains, I’m thinking it’s not cause I don’t’ have them but I am CHERISHING every little detail of this little being growing inside me. Infertility robbed me of a lot of things in my life and consumed me with anguish, doubt and fear but this pregnancy has erased all those awful memories and replaced them with beautiful new ones. I’ve not forgotten what I had to go through to get here but I find myself surprised that those memories don’t hurt anymore. My little girl has been a miracle and life saver for us……..yes I said “little girl”. We found out 3 weeks ago while I was killing time for my hour glucose test and my OB did a quick look-see and we found out we’re going to be parents to a little girl. We’re so over the moon, I know I would have been happy even with a little boy but somehow I feel a little bit more of a connection knowing I’m having a girl. I talk and sing to her and now she reacts to those actions. She moves all the time and I can tell when she’s asleep as well as when she’s most active during the day. I have to admit I will miss being pregnant because I have her all to myself right now and we are inseparable. I’m now a lot slower and a simple walk with the dogs and chores makes me more tired easily but still I have a smile on my face because I know in 10ish weeks we’ll meet our most awaited treasure, our daughter. It’s still taken me time to adjust to being asked how I’m doing and if I’m feeling ok especially with this TX heat, and no one can understand even with the fatigue, heat and the extra weight how I can keep a smile on my face. But to me it’s easy you see, and I have my little girl to thank for that, she’s allowed me to view this whole pregnancy experience in a new light. I went through so many tears and hurt to be able to experience all that pregnancy brings with it, yes even the heartburn and backache I remind myself that this beats being where we were over a year ago. I’ve met some pregnant women along the way, whom you can tell never had to battle infertility, in prenatal class, bookstores and work who all seem to have the same consensus…. they are just plain tired of being pregnant and can’t wait for that baby to be born already, it almost sounds to me like a burden. I guess it’s another thing that infertility has made me realize, how to be grateful for what I have or going through. To me she’s not a burden and even though I wonder now more than ever what she’ll look like but I feel a bit sad and feel as if time is flying by so much faster, I’ve truly enjoyed that my body has be able to sustain her and help her grown stronger and bigger each day, since for the longest time I felt my body was “broken”. And even if she’s the only one we have, at least now I can say I survived and beat infertility and have a beautiful child to show for it.