is this mth over yet?

Well this month marks the 1yr anniversary of my failed IVF cycle. I didn't think it would bother me as much as the anniversary of losing sweetpea 1 yr ago in May. But it did.....and it does not help that this past week really sucked @ work. So this week I was late to work, discovered I was on empty ( hubby forgot to gas up the car), our other car broke down ( it'll be expensive to fix), I get a shitty gift @ work and I have something else to bitch about concerning fake "friends". whew...that's a lot in one week! But I do have some good highlights to share as well.
Wed. I get to work and what's waiting for me? a shitty excuse Halloween baggie of candy. I say shitty only cause it looks like it was thrown together all last min. Let me explain why I was upset about it before anyone goes and thinks I'm a materialistic B. Every year during Halloween we get "ghosted" meaning someone leaves you a basket full of candy and little knickknacks. Last yr I got a big ceramic pumpkin full of candy, a notepad, cute pen and pencil and socks. The years before that I got stuff like candles, socks, pens or stationary. All very cool stuff. Now I've been @ this state agency for about 5 yrs so I guess I was used to getting stuff like this. Or maybe it's cause in the basket of goodies there's a ghost you cut out and then another sheet w/instructions to deliver 3 Halloween gifts to people and it even gives examples of stuff to give! So anyways I get the goodies bag and mind you I've been feeling very emotional cause my failed IVF anniversary was that past Monday and our other car has broken...it's just not a very good week and this happens on a Wednesday. So my friend Renie by and I show her my Halloween gift and she tells me "you know I saw two other people get the same thing and they are bitching out loud about it." so in a way I feel a little better cause I didn't want to bitch out loud and didn't want to come across as a B but in a small way too I feel I should just be grateful. So I begin thinking maybe:
1. The person is new ( we did get some new coworkers) and doesn't realize what kinds of goodies to put.
2. Maybe the person doesn't have money to give out good Halloween goodies.
3. Maybe the person is bitter and doesn't give a fuck about giving out last yr's Halloween candy.
Due to me having a shitty week already, I accept it's the last reason on my list that the person gave out this Halloween goodies. So then I get a phone call from one of my so called friends that I've known for about 8 yrs. Now I have not heard from them in almost a 1 1/2 but she's all calling telling me oh it's been so long since we've talked and how have I been blah blah blah fakeness fakeness fakeness....bottom line why she called? She wanted my husband "L" to do a favor for her. I lied to her and told her that we'd be out of town. She then tells me "oh I feel like I have not talked to you in forever, why haven't you called?" I remind her that after the last time we got together ( we did her a favor of helping her move) that I DID call in fact I emailed her and her partner to get together but never got a response! what did she say?" oh I don't remember getting anything" WTF!!!! Oh then she goes on to say "D & I are thinking of adopting, you should come with us to the adoption orientation too so you can get started on that" I reply " You know we're not @ that point yet maybe in another year" to which she replies "well when ARE you gonna do another invitro? and are you sure it'll work this time? at least with adoption you ARE guaranteed a baby" I could not believe my ears, the shit that was coming out of her mth. I've done pretty good about shielding myself from insensitive comments like that but this coming from a so called friend? I pretty much told her that nothing is a guarantee even adoption and this is a personal choice only L and I make.....we don't like to do something just cause others are doing it too, we're not puppets. I said that last part to hurt her more than anything cause she's very much like that....will only do something cause she's a follower of sorts। so then I made an excuse of being busy and hung up. It felt good but made me sad to realize my group of "friends" keeps getting smaller. But on the bright side I guess this stupid IF has shown me who my true friends are.


on a different note, I did get to meet 4 new women @ the RESOLVE support group I attend. We've made plans to get together outside of the meetings and I'm very much looking forward to it.
and my temps are looking great too....going up steadily today was 97.9! yesterday was 97.6! It's the little things in life I'm beginning to see and be thankful for.

Grandma's Pill box

Ok so I thought the protocol for IVF included a whole pharmacy. But I've come to the realization that I'm back to the protocol again sans IVF. Huh????? Right now DH & I have decided to put off the next IVF cycle till march 2008 to focus on getting my body healthy through acupuncture (getting my cycles regular), diet and to save up for the next IVF cycle. Thing is that with acupuncture come herbs; ok I'm ok w/that. My acupuncturist clinic has a nutrionist as well and I've have to omit quite a few food items from my daily menu diet - sad I know but hey all in the name of baby right? Well I"m not sure how this has happened but I'm now in need of a pill box; actually a granny pill box as DH says. How many do I take? well here's the breakdown:
Royal jelly pills ( 2/day) ck
Prenatal pills (1/day) ck
Liver Support pills (2/ 3x per day) ck
gallbladder pills (2/3x per day) ck
chinese herbs in a drop bottle (3x/day) ck
that's a lot of pills and herbs!!!!! I"m officially a walking pharmacy. But I must admit the herbs, prenatal and royal jelly have improved my cycle BIG TIME.
I also went to get a yrly physical @ my GYNO and MD. All test came back normal w/my Gyno except....i was finally diagnosed w/PCOS. I say finally cause I had to hound her to figure out why my cycles were so long and period irratic....now my MD offices also test came back normal except i've been diagnosed w/a fatty liver. what?????so ask for more info and the MD tells me since I dont' have gallbladder stones that my gallbladder is then sluggish...hence the liver and gallbladder support pills. I googled it as well and yes that was what it said in a nutshell. So now DH calls me his "old lady" not funny by the way...
all i have to say to that is that all this that I'm doing BETTER be worth it and I BETTER get positive results on my next IVF.

oh and I have lost 3 more lbs! plus in 4 mths i've lost 1% body fat! not much to others but means a whole lot to me. It makes me closer to my goal.

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should......

Ok so to keep my mind off IF cause we all know how stressful it can make life. I have come up w/a couple of things I think I should start doing while I wait to start my IVF cycle and while I am out of the game and am “benched”.

1. I should do some volunteering. I tried to and even signed up for some volunteer opportunities but got the run around on it. The volunteer job was where I would call and check up on elderly individuals 2x week and make sure they were ok and what supplies they may need. It was great because I could do it from home or on my cell. I thought “great where do I sign up?” needless to say it was near impossible to get a hold of the individual that supposed to give me an orientation. I just gave up. That was about 6mths ago.

2. I should stop over analyzing. Yea, I have to shamefully admit it’s not one of my better qualities. Luke says I do it ALL the time and it’s annoying. And what do I over analyze about? Oh, pretty anything for example if my cousin doesn’t respond to my email or phone call I start thinking “maybe she’s mad @ me. I know silly huh? But hey I never said I was proud of it.

3. I should stop biting my nails. I let them grow then I get stressed about little stuff and “over analyze” and I start biting them. It’s a nasty, unsanitary habit but I don’t have the will power to stop!

4. I should really work out more than 2x week @ curves. I ALWAYS say to myself that I’ll go 4x then that turns to 3x and before I know it I only get to make it 2x a week. sometimes I don’t go @all. And I wonder why I can’t loose anymore weight. But I do walk a mile 3x a week @ work so I am not entirely feeling guilty.

5. I should be more patient. Gosh this is a biggie for me. On top of over analyzing everything, I am impatient. When we started TTC and I got pregnant I was overjoyed. Unfortunately we all know how that ended : ectopic pregnancy. So I was impatient in getting pregnant again, well that fell through when IVF #1 turned out to be BFN. Now I sit on the sideline “benched” if you will as everyone else if getting BFPs. Oh it’s not cause I was forced to, it’s a decision both DH and I made. I decided next IVF will be different hence my plan to get healthy through diet, exercise and acupuncture. I wish my body was “ready” for IVF #2 but more so I wish I was pregnant already.

6. I should not be so jealous and annoyed with those that get pregnant easily. OR the ones that are overly enthusiastic that they WILL get pregnant when they start using fertility drugs – I just had to add that last one. ok so my fellow IF sisters can understand why it’s annoying to see preggers out there when it’s something we want so badly. And as for the over enthusiastic “newbies” well, that’s just annoying....all I’ll say to that is I met one in my support group. She kept saying she was told by her RE (who happen to be mine) that she was an over achiever and when she had her ET she emailed everyone in the support group that she was Pregnant until told otherwise…how annoying was all I could think. She was also inquiring on the support group available ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT before she had her first BETA!!!! I'm all for having hope and trying to be positive about an IUI, OR IVF but someone in the group even told her "I really hope you do get a positive bfp" her response...."oh I know I will" And you know what I found out after the fact? Well there was someone else in my group who was annoyed by her too. Go figure…hey it made me feel validated in my feelings @ least I felt less bitchy.

7. I should stop holding grudges. Yea I still hold on to past hurts from a so called friend who showed her “true colors” when I came out that I was infertile after my ectopic and rather than be supportive…..she went and got pregnant and when I was in the middle of IVF#1 she never once asked how I was doing nor gave me any encouragement in fact she insisted I participate in her stupid baby shower and didn't thank me for being when she could tell i was miserable . When ever I did call her out on it she told me this was something between DH and myself....this infertility.ok yes it's our problem and i was not looking to her to solve it for me but I was looking for support. Yea…..this from someone who called herself my best friend and sister for the better part of 13 yrs. and…………in case you were wondering I no longer talk to her and it’s now been 7 glorious mths / 3weeks! Yea for me for having the balls and getting rid of this “toxic friend”

8. I should learn to accept a nice compliment. I try to be a good person, really I do, regardless of my jealous streak of preggers out there. But I just can't accept a compliment, guess my childhood is to blame.....i never really got any positive feedback so it's strange to me when someone tells me I'm a strong, kind hearted, smart person. But I'm working on this...hey I am a work in progress.

9. I should be more optimistic and less pessimistic. Man that should have been my first one!!!! I am one of those that NEVER sees "the silver lining". but can u blame me? it's only cause I remember the bad and expect something bad to happen. but what I can't explain is why if I am pessimistic do i believe in signs whenever i need some type of hope to grasp. weird....is all i can say.

10. I should post more and comment more on other blogs. yea enuf said. I'm more of a lurker and read SO many great blogs but never really post a comment. I did finally post one on "reproductive jeans" and she was such a sweetie she replied & even read my blog. so far i think only one more person aside from her reads it......i don't blame them it's a little boring right now. But hey it's my blog, my random thoughts, it's my outlet. by the way you can go to Reproductive Jeans ck her blog out.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!!!!!

11. I should learn to take a deep breathe and count my blessings……….GOSH even in the midst of infertility I have a loving, supportive husband...and it doesn't hurt that he's handsome. :) He truly is my rock and sunshine. He makes me laugh, gives me the hope that I need to look @ the end of the tunnel and see the light and is there to pick me up when I am depressed. He's a total gem and I'm lucky to have someone like him to walk this stressful unfair journey with. I have 6 Furry Babies...yes people I said 6! 3 cats & 3 dogs. The cats came first and then after a while we got the dogs. They love me unconditionally & I feel are preparing me for when our sweetpea comes back to us. My family is awesome. I love my mom & sisters, they are prayer warriors and give me the peace I need to keep my sanity. and Lastly my friend Irene and cousin Vivian....they are my true friends and help me get away from all this IF so we talk about anything and everything, go shopping, go out to eat or just hang out.

yes this was LONG ASS post but hey I've been M.I.A for a while and I needed to vent a little.

and it's and it's down.....

Part of my acupuncture treatment is to take my daily BBT and so far i can't get to go up higher than 97.01 and the lowest it's been is 96.6 yup.......but today i was at 97.4....yipee! but AF still has not come!!!! wtf!!!!

so the last couple of weeks I've not blogged because I've been busy reading and commenting on other's blogs. And well also for two other reason (at least in my head) no one reads my blog so I'm in no hurry to update and I am not cycling so nothing to report. I have rather enjoyed reading other's blogs I have felt bad for those that are getting negative and are back to square one and I have felt elation for those who have gotten a BFP and are past their 1st trimester. As for myself, well I had my 4th Acupuncture and well along with taking those awful herbs I'm "back to square one" yup I'm on cycle day 37? ( i think) and AF is M.I.A. Nice huh? just when I thought "hey AF came last mth and I lost 2lbs so this TCM must really work.....no AF. and I am pretty sure I've gained those 2 lbs and they brought some buddies along w/them to stay on my hips and butt. I have to admit I gave up trying to eat healthy and this past weekend I pigged out on Chick-Fil-A. OH how I LOVE that chick-fil-a!!!!! and today I got pizza, telling myself even though in the past I've gotten heartburn I'll test the waters since I have been eating my congee dutifully each morning. I want to POAS but what for since I know what's it going to be a big fat BFN. ah!!!!!

Well enough about my boring life right now.....I got news that a lady I met at my RESOLVE support group had to have another D&C. She lost her baby the same in the timeline as the one before...they are running so they are not sure what the reason was, she was a little over 6wks. My heart goes out to her, I know how she feels when she says she's shocked and feels like she's in a fog and that it's not fair......I hear you it's NOT fair. I am trying to be supportive to her and have given her my # to call if she needs a shoulder to cry on. I hope I see her next week at the meeting.

well that's all the news from me today. I gotta get back to my 3 dogs who are all "leashed" up and ready to hop in the car so we can go to a doggie park.

Hey there twiggy!!!

Ok so today I am still over the moon because in one mth I have lost 2 pds and 4 inches!!! I know to some it's not much but to me it's the first steps towards getting healthy to help me conceive. I called hubby yesterday and was so excited and then later on while he was at work ( works night shift) he txts me "hey there twiggy how's it going?" Listen by no means am I Nicole Richie I'm more along the lines of the size of a Hispanic queen latifah but i think it's silly but sweet that L shares in my excitement.

i can't wait till my next acupuncture appointment!!! got lots to say to my acupuncturist about my weight loss AND getting my period too!!! i sure hope my body is FINALLY getting in sync with my baby making plans.

other than that nothing much on the home front....really looking forward to my 3 day weekend!!! yipee i have friday off yea yea!!!!!

I think I can...I think I can.....

So what has happened since last time? Well BIG news....well at least to me...I got AF!!!! no no I will not be starting a cycle or anything like that but it's really important and I'll tie it all in if you keep reading. Luke & I started thinking about looking into acupuncture and he found a link on another blogger's page. So we made the appointment and it was for the 27Th of July which happens to be his birthday. It was very very informative and I really liked all she had to say. Seems she feels the reason my period is so inconsistent is due to poor blood energy. Basically the way Chinese medicine see it is that blood is our life force and when it is weak that hinders menstruation, ovulation and reproduction. well as for me all my life I've been irregular but I've always been put on BC pills but never an explanation given as to why I am irregular. Well she said w/ the help of nutrition, acupuncture and herbs we can get my body back to ovulating and getting my menses back to a regular cycle! I must admit i did not believe her since i had not had my period since almost 2mths. But i figured I had nothing to loose and it is MUCH cheaper than IVF. Oh, they also try to help w/normal conception but also help increase your odds when doing IVF. So the way I see it, it's going to give my body the help it needs.

Well I went to my first acupuncture session last Thursday the 3rd of August & quite honestly I could NOT relax!!!! I was not the needles that bothered me it was my mind racing a thousand miles a minute. I did fall asleep for about 15mins but woke up because my arms and legs felt HEAVY. Before I knew it, my time was up. So that was Thurs and I had told my acupuncturist I'd been having cramps and it felt as if AF would be coming but I was hesitant since she'd be AWOL for weeks now. We went to see my in laws in Blanco since my SL and her husband were coming back from him being stationed in Korea and we spent the night on Friday well...........AF decided to show up! ok so i was totally not prepared but thank goodness I found some pantyliners i had in my purse that I'd forgotten. so here we are and AF is still here, but she is stops and comes back....almost like the little engine that could....i think i can i think i can.

I will be signing up to do treatment for 6mths which is fine by us since we are not planning on going IVF (if it's necessary unless we conceive on our own) till January. I don't know what this whole new journey into Eastern Medicine has for me but I'm very excited to see the results.

family....

well my sister's visit went better than expected. I can say I was enjoyed her company and that of my nieces and nephew and brother in law. Yes I did have to be after them to close that door because of the AC, turn off the bathroom or bedroom lights when no one is there, who left another opened can of coke etc....but it was good to see them. I spent so much more time with them than when we usually go down to see them during the holidays. My nieces are such bright little girls and my nephew although a handful is a funny character. I must admit I found myself trying to picture what it would be like having 4 kids or being a mom and I could picture it but it was exhausting! Every night WE were the ones in bed BEFORE they were! We went to my in laws out in the hill country and those little kids still had LOTS of energy past 11pm! I think hubby also might have had those same thoughts too because a couple of times he even asked me " you sure you want one or two or three of these?" . and you know, I DO want 1,2, or 3 kids but I want them to be OUR kids. It's not the same and anyone who has nieces/nephews can attest to this. It's all great to baby sit them or have then visit you and pump them full of sugar but in the end at the of the day they go back to THEIR parents. And I want to be able to share our life and nurture our own children. I want to be called Mom, mama, mommy. And I want to be able to say "go ask Daddy if it's ok" I can't explain how much more I fell in love w/my husband these past days just seeing how he interacted w/my nieces & nephew. I know he'll be a great dad and I'll be the best mom I can be....we just need G*d, the universe something out there to turn our luck. I have to admit that I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted to be a mother at all and maybe due to my hesitation is the reason all this bad "luck" has happened to us? I may never know the answer to this but I think I want to really get a plan together to make our dream come true. which brings me to my next subject...AF.
I still have not started my AF and we are going on 12 days late!!!!! I've taken 3 prg.test and they are ALL negative. I told my sister (who can only look at her husband and get pregnant) and she said maybe the tests are wrong. I told her I took 3 and she said she'd tested negative w/3 of her children and she turned out pregnant. I don't want to hear that only cause that makes me start wondering what if those test ARE wrong? then I start to wonder if my hormones are messing w/me and what if something worse if wrong w/me? so I'll just wait for now....to see if I EVER get AF. I'll post if anything happens.