I cant' believe it, I finally get to celebrate mother's day. I'll admit it's scary and I don't have a live baby in my arms but this Mother's day is different from other years that have come and gone, I have a live baby growing inside. I've started to feel our little one more now, he/she seems to be very active right as I get up till about noonish and then again in the evening until I go to bed. I still am in awe everytime I feel those pokes and feels like it moves a limb across my stomach tickling me. I love it all, the pokes even the jumping on my bladder...I've waited a long time to experience it all. I even am learning to relax and start to feel optimistic about have a baby shower in July. How optimisitc? well my friend,Irene, convinced me to register at both Babies R'US and Target.....how about that for starting to see the glass more than half full? I do have my days that are filled with anxiety but they seem to be balanced by hopeful days. I love my stretch marks that I'm getting and my "linea negra" on my belly. One thing I don't like is heartburn I get, luckily I've figured out what foods give me heartburn so I stay away from them. I think I can actually say I'm enjoying being pregnant FINALLY. I just wish I had a bigger belly but I still have my little bump to show. I'm a full figured girl to begin with so, that may explain why it just looks like I'm gaining weight but I don't care I get reassurance every time I get a kick, poke or what feels like a somersault. So far I've gained about 4lbs but I'm eating all the time but keeping up with my walking. I wish I knew if we were having a son or daughter so I can start calling it by it's name but I have to wait until the end of June to see if my dr can squeezw another ultrasound in and check the gender. I've included 2 pictures of my ultrasound; the first one is profile and the second one is of the feet. It seems our little one has inherited Daddy's toes. I had to take a picture with my camera since I don't have a scanner, maybe with the stimulus checks we're getting I can invest in a good one.
I have a post I want to share of my sono from last week and pictures (that hopefully came out clear enough) but this post seemed to weigh heavy on my heart and I couldn't bring myself to write about all that when the anniversary of loosing sweetpea was coming up. I have mixed feelings this year about it, could be because last year I was not pregnant and felt hopeless that my one chance had come and gone on May 1, 2006. But yet here I am 20 weeks along (i have to update my widget sorry) and with a presumbly healthy baby yet still I feel conflicted. It seems like it's someone else whose pregnant yet I know it's me and I'm not feeling the pain of being stressed about not being pregnant; does that make any sense? I think on this day and if we had not lost our little angel I'd have a toddler and one on the way, we'd be a family of 4 to be not a family of 3 to be. I try to make sense of it and tell myself that all things happen for a reason but yet I can't find the reason. And because of what happened 2 yrs ago I feel somewhat unattached to this baby, maybe it's because even though the wound has closed up and doesn't hurt like it did it's still tender and I dont' want to get attached to this baby until it's born just to make sure NOTHING else can happen and I have to go through all those awful emotions of loss. I feel guilty because I feel this baby deserves more of me than just nutrition and a safe environment; but I just can't seem to open up my heart to the prospect of all being ok, I keep thinking what if the rug is pulled from me if I allow myself to actually start enjoying this pregnancy and actually start making plans for a baby to come join our house in September? the fact that I feel pokes and bubbles every once in a while doesn't help me feel connected to this baby. I've fears and I'm not sure if they are normal fears that "normal pregnant" women feel....I really don't feel like I'm a normal pregnant woman....I still feel different. I fear that the baby will not bond with me and will not want me, that I may not be able to bond with the baby, that I won't be a good mom to this baby. I just wish and keep waiting for the day that someone can tell me "ok now you can exhale, all is ok and will remain ok" I just want to start feeling as a mom-to-be should be feeling at this moment.
well it's one more day to go till we find out if we will have little girl or boy.....we have names picked out but I'm not yet sharing maybe I'll share later. I'm nervous that something might go wrong, so nervous it's stressing me out and I've not had a good night's rest for the past 2 weeks! I'm having nightmares that the baby is dead, missing a limb, has no brain etc....I wake up in a sweat and shaking. I know that there is some possibility all can go OK and normal in this pregnancy BUT...there's always a but right? I'm just afraid very afraid that anything can go right since nothing concerning getting pregnant ever came easy to me, yes this time it was w/out IVF but still I've had my share of heartache and I still am somewhat detached from this child, very different from my first pregnancy that ended in an ectopic, it makes me feel guilty. I hate to say this but yes it's true, even when I hear the heartbeat it seems surreal to me like that heartbeat can't possibly be MY baby....no I could be hearing someone else's baby's heartbeat. I report to you all about it and how I'm happy at last and I am but I'm much more detached than I am attached, does that make sense? I'm happy that I've gotten this far and as far as the DR, all sounds normal and such and I finally have a tiny bump but I CAN'T allow myself to feel like he/she is a part of me and growing inside me. Maybe it's cause I have not felt movement yet, dunno. Maybe it's because I've longed for a baby for so long and lived with infertility that I know nothing else, it's almost as if infertility has become my security blanket. I'm hoping all goes well and MAYBE just maybe seeing this baby on the monitor will make me feel closer to it and maybe it will sink in that I may very well be a mom in September and there's really a living being inside me. seriously I can't fathom I could be someone MOM, I can't picture myself as nothing more than someone's aunt, sister, & friend. Hopefully seeing this baby, OUR baby, tommorrow will finally start to heal those wounds of infertility and feelings of inadequacy and pessimism that I have carried as a security blanket for so long. I can only hope.
Sometime about 3 weeks ago I started noticing cramps and soreness. I was alarmed at first because this being the farthest I've ever been pregnant I thought "oh no miscarriage". This however my dear readers is actually round ligament pain. I'm not sure why the say in all the books I've read "you will experience slight discomfort in your abdominal area due to the ligaments stretching" ..... yea right more like cramps you get right before you period! Taking Tylenol.......doesn't help, but resting does. Now that would be find and dandy but Mon-Fri between the hours of 8-5 I have to work. So I'm wondering, what in the world can I do? Any suggestions anyone? I've tried stretching and that helps but not for long. I know this whole stretching is necessary for the baby to grow but my gosh I feel helpless in managing the pain! Oh and if that were not enough, it seems congestion has taken permanent residency in my nasal cavities. So I'm forever either blowing my nose or sneezing. I've had to resort to carrying a bigger purse since I have to carry a box of kleenex! Yes I've tried the OT allergy meds that are safe for pregnancy but they only work for 1 1/2 hrs then I'm back to square one. But I keep telling myself it's only temporary and I can deal. On the bright side of things our neighbor gave us a crib that her son and daughter-in-law are no longer using and it was free! It's a convertible crib and it actually matches the dresser I was thinking of using for the nursery so that's a bonus! We're so very amazed that we've been blessed with people that are great neighbors and helping us out with a crib, we were dreading having to spend so much for a crib so now we can look forward to using that money towards decorating the nursery and such. I can't believe all of this is finally happening to us, I feel like it's a all a dream and this is happening to someone else. Truly I can say, I can finally start to remember what it was to feel happy again.
Sorry I've been MIA but nothing much has been going on until today.........Happy Birthday to me! I'm sure I don't have to mention how extra special this day is for me. I can't tell you how many birthdays after my last loss that I wished I'd be either pregnant by next birthday OR have a baby in my arms. Well, one of those wishes has come true and let me tell you it's surreal and awesome! So far today I've had a low key bday with friends for breakfast, went to IKEA and worked on getting a vegetable garden ready to be planted. All in all even if I'd done absoultely nothing the fact that I'm pregnant this birthday has made this the best birthday ever. Last week we had our 15 week checkup and all looks right on target, the baby's heartbeat was 148 beats a min and as for weight gain........well I've had none. Now I was a bit concerned being that I'm eating alot more these days but my dr said it was fine and some women gain it towards the end of the 2nd trimester or at the 3rd trimester. Now me being a big girl to begin with I am watching what I eat but I do indulge now and then. I'm debating whether to post a picture of my tiny bump only because I'm afraid others may not notice it, I mean DH and I notice it but it's only because we what I looked like before. So we shall see if I have the nerve to do so or not. I've also bought another baby purchase........a pregnancy pillow. I actually got it as an early birthday gift from me to me. It helps to insure I don't sleep on my back ( which I tend to do) and the plus side is that it really is comfortable. I'm still waiting on feeling the first movements from this little one but I may not feel anything till another couple of weeks. And something else that is happening in the next couple of weeks is that on April 24 will be when we find out if we're having a girl or boy. I want to post pictures of the sonogram but first have to see if I can borrow someone's scanner. Part of me wants a girl only because I've seen so many cute things that are out there for little girls but really I'd be ok with a boy. Really should it even matter? I mean with all we've been through and just longing to be a mom and FINALLY having it happen, either gender would be ok with us. It seems this year I will have to make a different birthday wish............
I've included a picture of my pregnancy pillow with one of my dogs who obviously approves of it...and one of my vegetable garden to be.
