crawling machine

Sofie has gone through so many milestones in my mind both big and small, it's getting harder and harder as I see my little girl grow up. She's crawling now and pulling herself up when she's in her crib and when is crawling around the living room and comes up to the sofa. I'm in total amazment that little human is here with us, just thinking about it that last year I was pregnant and wondering what she looked like, what she'd be like....i get to experience it now. I know the following is what EVERY mother says about their child but i think she's very smart. She LOVES to imitate and does it so very well. She's constantly learning new things EVERY day sometimes we can't keep up with it. One day she may not know how to clap and just moves her hands and the next day she's clapping. lately she's been making raspberries and yelling whenever she gets excited...yes we call it her pterdactyl call. Everyday she's looking more like a little person then a baby. I'm at a cross roads right now; excited about what she will become yet still fighting the ache of my heart having to allow her independence so she can grow. she makes me and her father laugh so much everyday it's hard to believe what life was with out her. i tell Luke we were probably very boring until she came along. LOL. Funny how Luke and I thought we were in trouble when she learned to roll over but now she can sit AND crawl...O i think trouble is not even the half of it.

Two tooth, rolling over wonder.....

Well I must say I don't know how this happened so fast, one day I was holding a couple minutes old newborn and just staring at her and awe and now..........I have a 24 week old infant who is sporting two bottom teeth and rolling from her tummy to her back like a pro. Where did the time go?! I see Sofie and she's still so young, such a baby YET she's grown so much and everyday she learns a new skill OR masters a milestone. It's bittersweet for me.....bitter cause I feel like my baby is growing up too fast and won't need me anymore and sweet because every new milestone, every new skill she learns is a new adventure. I miss the days when I could rock her to sleep or just have her sleep on my chest and she was such a little thing; she was wearing premie onesies! Now? oh she's barely going to be 6mths and wears clothes for a 9mth old. Luke doesn't share my heartache as far as the "growing pains" he keeps saying ' she's still our baby and always will be' I know I know yet I can't help it, she's becoming more independent from us each day. When she doesn't want to be help because she prefers to scoot on her playmat or jump in her jumperoo I often get a lump in my throat and my eyes get teary. I prayed and cried for this little miracle girl to come into our lives and I'm just not yet ready for her to master her next milestone: crawling. I'm hoping it'll be weeks...months till she starts to crawl but when it does happen all I can do is just encourage and support her with love and keep reminding myself "she's still my baby and always will be"

Dream a little dream.........

All of us have a dream, I'm sure. Some of us have "big" dreams others have "small" dreams. I think my dream is neither.....it's a dream that has grown out of the desire in my heart for my daughter. You see I'm dreaming that sometime this year I can become an a stay at home mom. I've told a couple of friends and family this dream and I get either of these two reactions: " really? are you sure? don't you want to stay with the state and contribute to your retirement, you know the economy is not very good right now." OR i get...." wow! that's great! it's a BIG decision but one that will be worth while in the long run" I always thought if I EVER was blessed to become a mother I'd vow to be the BEST mom I could to MY child. Don't get me wrong I have NOTHING against working moms....hey I am one! But lately it's been tugging at my heartstrings to become a SAHM. I see Sofie growing up and every day she does something NEW...and I'm not there to see it first hand until I get home and the either Luke or the sitter tells me about it. Luke and I discussed me becoming SAHM mths before Sofie was born actually as soon as we found out it was a viable pregnancy and for all intent and purposes that all would turn out well in the end. I was a little hesitant to the idea at first only because I've been working since I was like 15. I enjoyed staying those 8plus weeks I had off for Maternity leave but I was also glad to be back at work. Then I went back to work and that first day was HELL. All my fellow co-worker moms told me " oh it gets better, yea you miss them at first but really you'll get over it..." guess what...........I'm not OVER it. I think I miss Sofie more today than that first day I dropped her off at daycare. Luke and I have thought how can we afford for one of us to stay home especially with his job being a little shaky. We've gone over our budget and after paying off some of the store credit cards, credit cards and our car we can manage w/his income alone....this fortunately can be done w/ some savings and income tax rebate. It will be tough but we can make ONLY if he doesn't get laid off like alot of his co-workers. We have thought of that as well and he's got a job lined up the only thing is it would take him out of town 5 days a week and we'd see him only the weekends. I don't know I feel silly even wanting to be a SAHM, but in my heart I feel it's the right thing for MY family. Luke also has been talking about going to night school and getting a daytime job elsewhere. I do have a way of making some money on the side while I stay at home...a friend of mine is due in May and will not be going back to work till after the end of July, she's been looking around at daycares but can't afford the 1200 plus that it costs and that was at a place that was the cheapest. so she's asked me if i can look after her son and she'd pay me about $700 and I'd have him from 6:30 till 2pm. It is a possibility I definitely would take but again it all rests on if Luke can secure a job by end of July. So till then I dream my dream...who knows maybe it will come true....I mean I did have a dream to become a mom and well we all know how well that ended. :)

first christmas

happy belated Christmas. This christmas was the best christmas ever, hands down. It was way more meaningful and even though Sofia got presents it was fine. She was the best present Luke and I got. I hope all had a joyous day.

3 months old!

so this is a late post, but I can't believe Sofia is now 3 mths old! I browsed her pictures from when she was born and when we brought her home and she's changed so much! everyday she's getting bigger and bigger and even though I'm happy she's healthy and meeting all the milestones on target I can't help but feel a little sadness as well. I'm a little sad that in some ways she is becoming more independent from me and it's not by much now but I know w/every milestone she reaches she won't be as helplessly dependent on me as she was the first few days of life or when I carried her inside me. I didn't think it would bother me so much but I first realized it when I stopped breastfeeding her; true it was not by choice but because I went back to work but still...she no longer needed ME for nutrition, she could get that from formula/bottle. Also while giving away some of her newborn clothes to a newly pregnant friend I realized...she no longer fits in these...she's growing up...too fast. I know in my heart I will always be her mother and that in some way she'll always need me...I mean even me at 33 yrs old I need my mom too...not as much but I still do and there are somethings that only my mom can do for me; so I tell myself this as she is no longer a newborn but now an infant.

so thankful

Certaintly without a doubt this was the best Thanksgiving ever. Sofia is the biggest thanks we have in our lives this year. We give thanks also for our jobs, friends, health but she's our biggest thanks. Last year was so lonely, I can't believe this year we have this little one here with us, and we get to spend every day with her.

Learning to let go...little by little

Sofia has started daycare.........sigh.....yes it's been hard for me to allow someone other than myself or Luke to watch her. I've been very blessed I must say in that I was able to enjoy all to myself for about 9 weeks and then handed the reins over to her daddy who had her till she just last Monday for about 2 weeks. It did help the transition in that I didn't miss her as much when I went back to work because I knew she was with daddy but that first day I dropped her off in daycare it nearly broke my heart. I completely trust her sitter and I know she'll be taken care and all her needs will be met but what was tugging at my heart strings was that my poor baby woud miss me or her daddy. And my mother instinct was correct because she looked a little sad and the sitter kept going on and on how good a baby she was, that she gave her no fuss and just enjoyed looking out the window and sitting down and just looking at everyone. I know my child and when she is in a new place around new people she freezes up and is not the bubbly little baby I know who coos and gaas and smiles constantly. I trust the sitter gave her attention and she took good care of her but I know in my heart that she missed me and she's the type of baby who takes a little longer to warm up to new people. I know this not only cause I'm her mother but because I learned all her habits/personality while it was just me taking care of her. She takes after Daddy in that respect, he's slow to warm up to new people and situations/environments. At first he comes across as very shy, reserved but once he becomes comfortable watch out cause he's a chatter box and very open/friendly. Me on the other hand, I am more outgoing, quite the opposite, but I have learned how to introduce Luke to new people & I do the same for Sofia...except on her first day of daycare I couldn't stay w/her since I was running late for work. I know in my heart she'll be fine and she'll eventually come out of her shell and come around but a small part of me feels guilty for how she feels now and I wish she could understand that she's ok @ daycare and that I will always come back to pick her up. A good friend of mine told me to look at it this way....at least sofia is only in daycare mon/tues and every other wed and on thursdays/fridays she gets Daddy time until I get home from work and on the weekends she gets both of us. After seeing it this way I feel a tad better but still it's hard to let go but it's something I have to learn to do....little by little.