In due time

I look at this little person who no longer resembles a baby and can't help but think that time is just flying by, and her babyhood has passed by in an instant. Officially the books all say Sofie is not a toddler yet...but she's not an infant either. She's in an akward stage of leaving babyhood and entering toddlerhood, she's ALMOST 17 mths old in five days!!!! I am a bit sad at this transition into toddlerhood as the baby that once was so very dependent on me is now a little person who loves to help me sweep, "fold" the laundry and feed her doggies when she has a snack in her hand all on her own. She's changing so much the only way I can describe it is like an onion, all these stages/milestones she's passing are just layers that get peeled back. Everyday she learns or masters something. She says a few words not as much as some other children in her play group say but I'm not fretting or pushing her, I tell myself....it will happen in due time. One thing I have learned by staying home with her is she does things on her own schedule......all in due time. I made the mistake of trying to push the sippy cup on her over and over when she turned a yr old but the outcome of that was a screaming child who refused to drink her milk and would not budge. Lesson learned, one point for Sofia zero points for mom on this one. She's stubborn alright and I should not be surprised she gets it from both her parents. But just recently she surprised me, I was washing her bottles/nipples and she wanted something to drink all I had available was you guessed it.... sippy cup. I was hesitant to give it to her only because i could already hear the protesting fit she was about to throw but she took it and as if she'd been doing it for months....she drank from it. I was very surprised and so I tried again but no luck, I told myself ok ...all in due time. She amazes me each day and although I started this journey as a SAHM excited and after a bit I was frustrated I really am starting to see what other stay at home moms have been telling me....it's all worth it. I don't know when I'll go back to working fulltime, I may do it in 2 years or wait until Sofia starts school but one thing is for sure I'll make the decision all in due time.

Green Eyed Monster

So i have to vent for just a bit...I got news that a friend of mine ( who I've been seriously considering breaking the friendship with..but that is another later post) is having a boy. So this doesn't really bother me persay but the fact that she's been complaining about having to get on insulin for this pregnancy YET not doing anything to better the situation. She supposedly had her diabetes under control and was told to LOOSE weight before getting pregnant...does she listen? NO. once she got pregnant she was told to watch what she ate and to walk for exercise...does she listen? NO. I now avoid her calls because all she does is complain how because of this pregnancy she has to get on insulin. So for me this is how I see this...when I got pregnant I did everything and anything that was expected of me FOR THE GOOD OF THE BABY! This lady in my opinion is SELFISH. She's due early April and has not bought not one thing for her baby. When I have brought up about baby showers or if she's got any for the baby her answer (before she knew the gender) was "oh I'm waiting to find out what this is first..." she never calls it

the baby it's "this" or "it" Why does this bother me so much? cause I heard her for so long, groan and cry about wanting a baby so bad and now that she's going to have one (hopefully it'll be born healthy despite her diabetes) all I hear is complain, complain, complain! ugh I have even noticed how negative I start being when I am around her. I don't know if it's cause we are starting to try again for baby #2 or it's cause I thought she understood after "longing" for a baby that she may understand what a miracle it is to be pregnant, but I am envious and utterly disgusted with her. There I've said it, utterly disgusted with her selfishness. Like I said this is for a future post but I am seriously considering breaking off the "friendship". It just amazes me how I seem to be a magnet for making friends with people like her.

Full days....

These days I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering where did the time go? She's now 15mths old and it seems all her "babyness" is almost gone and I know have a toddler. I find myself yearning for another baby, but I'm scared. I'm scared to try again and have it fail and get my hopes up again only to get my period another month. I will start acupuncture once again to see if I can concieve again that way but a little part of me is tired... tired of having to need help once again to do something that seems to come so easily to others. I know it worked for me I see the proof...I have a little person who runs around the house yelling and laughing at the cats and dogs while I am cooking or cleaning house, but still.....I am afraid. When I have the time I read other bloggers who struggle with the same fear to have another baby and that in a way is comforting. So yes my days are full and as exhausting as that is at times I feel my heart is not full, I want more... I want another baby or two. I love Sofie but I feel as if my family is not complete yet. I am starting to get that yearning in my heart for another chance to feel a baby move within my womb, to feel the joy I felt nursing the joy that my heart has grown just a little more to make room for our new family member. Time is flying so fast too fast, my baby is no longer a baby anymore but fast becoming a toddler and then soon...preschooler. I know I should be grateful she's a miracle that happened to us but I want more....I need to try but again the fear of failing creeps it's ugly head. Odd how once you been through infertility and have a baby you feel "yes I have won this battle! I no longer am infertile I have a baby finally!" but the reality of the matter is I'll ALWAYS be the "infertile" woman no matter if I have a 15 mth old. That reality is very clear now as I hope each mth that maybe just maybe I've won the baby lottery and have 2 pink lines appear on a pregnancy test.

in the jungle the lion sleeps tonight....

Hands down this Halloween I was able to enjoy all the trick/treating in a whole new light. I always have fun decorating, giving out candy etc but this year I got to see it in a whole new light thanks to this lil lion. I hope everyone had a lovely halloween and ate LOTS of candy I know our household did. LOL. I also want to thank everyone that wrote in to say they understand how hard it is to be a SAHM, you know yes I did put my "career" on hold but I have a new job, my description:

self employed, paid with kisses and hugs and laughs. I am a personal chef to a 14mth old and teacher in creative playing. Do I get quarterly bonuses? why yes I do.... anytime she advances and I know it's because of something I taught her.

not that I'm complaining....much.

So, no one ever tells you that when you decide to become a stay at home mom, that the following happens:

A. you feel alienated from the "adult" world"

B. Time/dates no longer matter. Because you forget the day of the week it is and what time it is!

C. You start to envy those that actually get up and go the salt mines, hey they earn a paycheck!

D. Your day consists of watching some educational TV (noggin), reading stories and running around the house because you'er chasing your toddler due to them getting into something they shouldn't OR because of a game.

E. No matter how much you clean, do laundry, dust etc....the next day it's deja vu....you start ALL over again because the house is a mess.

Look I'm not complaining, really I'm not...I prefer the term "venting my frustrations" out. I figure my blog most likely doesn't get read anymore so I can safely vent about how lately I've been putting on a fake smile and sounding like a robot when people or old co-workers ask me "so do you like staying at home?" I must admit I'm on autopilot when I hear that question, deep inside I really want to say "I hate it and I like it at times" . I've tried mommy groups, going to story time & going for walks but I still feel out of sorts with this new chapter in my life, the chapter of stay at home mommy. Yes I realize I am very very blessed to stay at home and precisely for that reason I'm weighed down by guilt that I may have gone into this too hastily. I feel I must at this point state that I love my child very much so, I'd give my life for her I would do anything for her and I KNOW that by staying home with her it's the BEST care for her, hands down. NO ONE will take of her the way I want as well as I can, I know this and yet sometimes I find myself missing work. I would not mind having a partime job, that could be an option maybe not at my old job but I can look else where but for the time being I can't help but feel as if I've left a bit of myself behind. I feel many times that I don't get a break, a vacation much less time to myself. When Luke gets home I feel guilty when I tell him it's his turn. I know he's tired but feel like I'm a broken record when I keep reminding him that I've been with her ALL day long! I used to think it would be nice to expand our familly but now I dont' know. I wish I knew how many moms do it, maybe what I'm missing out on is support I don't know. Sadly right now the only time I have to myself is because I'm sick and Luke had actually gone out w/Sofia and I have a few hours myself.....hey beggers can't be choosers right?

all the wonders

i must admit I do love staying at home with this little bundle of joy. she's growing up so fast it's not funny. here she is playing in her car while mommy does some gardening....she's walking now..oh boy! everyday she and I discover some new adventure and it brightens up my day.

3 down ... 2 to go....

So as of today, I have 2 more days of work. I know I am very blessed that I will be able to stay home with this little ball of energy whom we affectionately call "terror-dactyl" I realize not many working mothers are able to stay at home and I try not take this opportunity lightly. We went back and forth for months on whether it was going to be worth it staying home or just finding a different daycare center, one that incorporated the spanish language; but it was either too expensive or too long of a wait. It's very important for us that she learn to speak Spanish and learn about her culture, it will be easier with me being home to teach her all of that. A part of me feels guilty for putting my career on hold for a few years but with all the suffering, longing and spending we did to have her, we know it's the right decision. Everyday she learns something new and I'm just amazed and a little sad that I was not the one to teach her to clap and to wave for example. But....I did teach her to say "teta" which in spanish means bottle. So it's bittersweet, I'm putting a part of my life on hold in order to become a stay at home mom, with a child that over a year ago I thought we'd never have.