Monday, September 21, 2009

not that I'm complaining....much.

So, no one ever tells you that when you decide to become a stay at home mom, that the following happens:
A. you feel alienated from the "adult" world"
B. Time/dates no longer matter. Because you forget the day of the week it is and what time it is!
C. You start to envy those that actually get up and go the salt mines, hey they earn a paycheck!
D. Your day consists of watching some educational TV (noggin), reading stories and running around the house because you'er chasing your toddler due to them getting into something they shouldn't OR because of a game.
E. No matter how much you clean, do laundry, dust etc....the next day it's deja start ALL over again because the house is a mess.
Look I'm not complaining, really I'm not...I prefer the term "venting my frustrations" out. I figure my blog most likely doesn't get read anymore so I can safely vent about how lately I've been putting on a fake smile and sounding like a robot when people or old co-workers ask me "so do you like staying at home?" I must admit I'm on autopilot when I hear that question, deep inside I really want to say "I hate it and I like it at times" . I've tried mommy groups, going to story time & going for walks but I still feel out of sorts with this new chapter in my life, the chapter of stay at home mommy. Yes I realize I am very very blessed to stay at home and precisely for that reason I'm weighed down by guilt that I may have gone into this too hastily. I feel I must at this point state that I love my child very much so, I'd give my life for her I would do anything for her and I KNOW that by staying home with her it's the BEST care for her, hands down. NO ONE will take of her the way I want as well as I can, I know this and yet sometimes I find myself missing work. I would not mind having a partime job, that could be an option maybe not at my old job but I can look else where but for the time being I can't help but feel as if I've left a bit of myself behind. I feel many times that I don't get a break, a vacation much less time to myself. When Luke gets home I feel guilty when I tell him it's his turn. I know he's tired but feel like I'm a broken record when I keep reminding him that I've been with her ALL day long! I used to think it would be nice to expand our familly but now I dont' know. I wish I knew how many moms do it, maybe what I'm missing out on is support I don't know. Sadly right now the only time I have to myself is because I'm sick and Luke had actually gone out w/Sofia and I have a few hours myself.....hey beggers can't be choosers right?