Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
At last............motherhood. I'm tired, elated, in awe of this wonderful miracle that I see sleeping in her crib while I write this post. I now understand fully what the other bloggers felt when they wrote how in awe they were to see their baby how it was surreal. Yes, I understand now fully because you see when I see this precious tiny person who not too long ago was growing inside me, and to think.........tommorrow she will be 3 weeks old! where does the time pass? Well let me recall what all has happened so far.
She was born Sept 5, 2008 @ 10:20am weighing in at 6lbs and 12 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. I had been in labor since wednesday Sept. 3!!! I thought I just had braxton hick contractions but they were the REAL thing! I went to work that day as if nothing and by midday i came home and did not go into work the next day either since it being thursday it was my dr's appointment @ 3pm. well i get there and she checks me and sees I'm 100% effaced and at a station 0 but only dialted 3 cm she checks me into L/D. by 7pm that evening she broke my water and 2 hrs later I still had not dialted so I was given Pitocin.....OMG that is when the real pains began. I finally was in so much pain I got the epidural and was able to sleep for 3 hrs and dialated to 7 cm! after that i progressed much better and just pushing less than 15 mins she came out. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I ever have heard.................I was all tears and it was of joy and feeling as FINALLY here is this moment I've waited so long for is HERE thanking God for bringing us both through the labor/birth safe and sound and HEALTHY. I never really had an "idea" of what she would look like but when I finally saw her I was completely and utterly in love w/her...........she was PERFECT and the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I looked at Luke and he was just in amazement and thanking me over and over and saying he loved me and loved us and just in amazement. I look back at that moment now and think..........."wow did I really experience that?" it's hard for me now when I look at her to think " wow she's is daughter...........she belongs to US.....I grew her inside me!.....she's a part of me and Luke"
Now as for the present? well she's getting bigger, getting her little baby fat rolls on and each day I think God for her and pray that he keep her well, safe and happy all the days of her life. I want her to know she is so loved, and is/was so wanted by not only us, her parents, but others too. I want to be the best mom I can for her, what ever that means. I have a new role and a new path to take and each day now I take it one day at a time and cherish every coo, every cry whether it's because she's bored and wants to be carried, changed because she's soiled her diaper or is hungry...I cherish it all I think more than the average mom because I KNOW what this child means....what her presense in our life means...........a true blessing.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
It seems with only 15 more weeks to go in this pregnancy, I'm starting to see things in a different light now. We went to see my family in McAllen Tx and it was great to see them all but boy was it HOT and HUMID!!!! OMG I spent more time inside than outside, but Luke played with the kids the whole time kicking the ball, jumping around....yea to them he is the uncle that is a kid just like them. And though it was an enjoyable time spending it with the family I could not help but think that it seemed different to me. My nieces asked if I would bring the baby to visit and how much fun they were to have. To me my own nieces looked different I guess because all these years when I was single, newly married or TTC I saw myself as just their Aunt and to me they were the closest thing I would have, as far as having a child in my life...now all that changed. I'm still Aunt Ivonne BUT now rather than just sending them b-day cards and gifts and giving them advice I find myself imaging what the holidays will be like when we take our child to visit them...their cousin. I have 4 nieces and a nephew and the girls are so very curious, smart and take care of each other but I also see how they are with my nephew, who has special needs, and how much more delicate they are with him. And now with this little one my whole view of my immediate family changes in a way I never knew could. I worried at first if I'd be able to get pregnant, THEN if it would be a viable pregnancy, THEN if I could make it past the first trimester, THEN if I could pass the down syndrome test....seeing my family and interacting with them now gives me the courage to face whatever else may even come up.....if infertility has taught me anything it's taught me that nothing in life is certain. So far OLO (our little one) is right on target but I wonder if he/she may show some slow developments later on just as my nephew, notice how I say "wonder" it's odd to me to not "worry" about this when everyone that knows me describes me as a worrywort. I think seeing my family, seeing how happy and accepting they are of other tells me now matter what, all will be ok. I'm no longer just Aunt Ivonne, I'm more part of my family in a way I wasn't before, does that make sense?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I cant' believe it, I finally get to celebrate mother's day. I'll admit it's scary and I don't have a live baby in my arms but this Mother's day is different from other years that have come and gone, I have a live baby growing inside. I've started to feel our little one more now, he/she seems to be very active right as I get up till about noonish and then again in the evening until I go to bed. I still am in awe everytime I feel those pokes and feels like it moves a limb across my stomach tickling me. I love it all, the pokes even the jumping on my bladder...I've waited a long time to experience it all. I even am learning to relax and start to feel optimistic about have a baby shower in July. How optimisitc? well my friend,Irene, convinced me to register at both Babies R'US and Target.....how about that for starting to see the glass more than half full? I do have my days that are filled with anxiety but they seem to be balanced by hopeful days. I love my stretch marks that I'm getting and my "linea negra" on my belly. One thing I don't like is heartburn I get, luckily I've figured out what foods give me heartburn so I stay away from them. I think I can actually say I'm enjoying being pregnant FINALLY. I just wish I had a bigger belly but I still have my little bump to show. I'm a full figured girl to begin with so, that may explain why it just looks like I'm gaining weight but I don't care I get reassurance every time I get a kick, poke or what feels like a somersault. So far I've gained about 4lbs but I'm eating all the time but keeping up with my walking. I wish I knew if we were having a son or daughter so I can start calling it by it's name but I have to wait until the end of June to see if my dr can squeezw another ultrasound in and check the gender. I've included 2 pictures of my ultrasound; the first one is profile and the second one is of the feet. It seems our little one has inherited Daddy's toes. I had to take a picture with my camera since I don't have a scanner, maybe with the stimulus checks we're getting I can invest in a good one.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
I've included a picture of my pregnancy pillow with one of my dogs who obviously approves of it...and one of my vegetable garden to be.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Keep growing little one
Have good results on my down syndrome test for next dr's appt.
I talk to our little one and it's cute to see how one of the dogs and one of the cats like to snuggle on my tummy.......hmmm can the sense this little life? I truly don't know but they seem to insist on being there when before they were not interested at all. I tell our little one he/she has a zoo to welcome him/her when we bring him/her home in September but until now the only contact he/she will have is either the purring or snoring that the cat or dog makes.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
1. Become Pregnant through IVF......ok that happened but not through IVF...check
2. Once pregnant, rule out ectopic.......got early blood work and HCG levels doubled accordingly and early ultrasound, saw sac and yolk.......check
3. See a heartbeat......check
My next goals?
4. Hear or see a good heartbeat
5. that the baby be right on target as far as growth or ahead.
I hope I can cross these two goals out as well, since this would mean to me that is one step closer to reaching our dream of bring a healthy baby home sometime in Sept.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Well I gotta say from my last post, I am feeling better much better after venting out to a friend of mine I met at RESOLVE. Plus that day I happen to have my acupuncture appt so I took the time while I'm lying on the bed w/needles in me to meditate. It helped me relax and also gave me time to "speak" to my little one....I told him/her that I was very grateful he/she had picked us as parents and trusts me with his/her life. I told him/her that it was loved very much and we hoped he/she stay with us and continue to grow strong and healthy. I told my little one that until I have to share him/her with the outside world that he/she is all mine and it's just the two of us for the mths to come. After my "talk" I felt a sense of peace and just felt like all will turn out all right. ok, not trying to be all new agey or anything but it's how I felt. Now all was going good and well UNTIL tuesday when I got a call from DH telling me one of his friends from work the wife was losing the baby. Now why would this put me in panic mode after weeks of calmness? Because she is only 1 week behind me. Apparently all was going well no signs of distress then she started to bleed and it got worse so they admitted her to the hospital and she had to have a D&C that day. So now I'm all paranoid and my little bubbly of hope that I held on to has burst. I'm not naive I KNOW the pain of loss and I know a pregnancy can end just like that no rhyme or reason, That is what makes having to wait for my next dr appt @ the end of the month feel like ages from now. Today I'm off from work so I'm going to take it easy and I have my acupuncture appt so I may just try to meditate on the good in the pregnancy so far. I feel somewhat guilty though that sometimes I don't "feel" pregnant. It's a daily struggle I know this but part of me wants to fast forward to 2nd trimester when my chances, statistically speaking, become lower. I'm afraid to day dream about what it will be like to have a big'o belly and to start feeling the baby moving....I'm afraid to day dream in case my dreams comes crashing down. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I know of 2 other women whom I met for dinner last night that are pregnant after either IVF or acupuncture. They have the same fears as I do but they are both in their 2nd trimester.............gosh I look at my widget and it seems like an eternity till I get there. But I guess all I can do is wait and keep hoping that this little one is still alive and well and sticking around. Alot of family and friends are looking forward to meeting our little one in the coming months.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Monday's HCG results: 546
Wednesday's HCG results: 1315!
I am scheduled for an ultrasound Friday at noon
I'm not running down the street telling everyone yet.........I'm still cautious I've learned from watching other women in my RESOLVE group that some have great beta numbers but nothing growing but the sac. I know we won't see anything we may not even hear a heartbeat but I will delighted to know that it's not in my remaining tube I WANT & NEED for this little one to be in my womb where it can grow strong and be nourished. It has not really sunk in for me yet I guess I'm still needing one more hurdle to cross the ultra sound............I hope and I NEED for this to work out. PLEASE let this be the year I become a mom please dear Lord.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Please please let this be, I want to be a mommy I want to finally have the dream we've been hoping for. I'm scared and even though it's too early I still have feelings of hope for this little light inside me. Please be in the right spot please!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Aside from waiting for AF to arrive, I've decided to be more active in my local Central Texas RESOLVE. We hold meetings every other Thurs in a local hospital and well I've decided to take over the reigns from a fellow infertile now turned new mommy and keep the RESOLVE library. I figure hey it seems like I'm now a veteran and rather then just go and sit and talk I wanted to do something productive. One of the coordinators said it was a great idea especially if it's someone whose still going to the meetings but she wants me to email and get in touch with the fellow infertile......well I don't know if I want to only cause she just had a baby & as happy as I am for her....it will be a little sad that I'm still in "that place" so I may just have to tell the coordinator that and hopefully since she is the coordinator she'll talk to the other lady.
I've also started walking again and began carpooling with a fellow co-worker and since I told her I work out @ curves 3 times a week she's decided the days I carpool with her ( only 3 days a week) she will also join curves and work out! I've also got another co-worker to start walking during lunch, which I've been doing except during the holidays I really slacked off. And @ curves they are having this game that you pay $10 and you have 8 weeks to loose 10 or more pounds and the person who looses the most will win the pot of money! I'm like heck yea I need some motivation!Well that's pretty much it for me. I'm glad that I'm not cramping as bad as I thought I would. So there, seems like I am trying all I can to start off on the right foot for 2008. I 've got my days when I feel like crap and am very hopeless but I got days when I'm like ok..........this MAY happen.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Well folks, it's now CD33 and no AF!!!! I POAS but it was of coarse negative....of coarse why would I even think it may be positive? Well aside from AF being late my boobs are majorly majorly sore and I'm very sensitive to smells right now and I'm very emotional. I hate that all these signs could be early pg signs too.....ah it's no wonder we drive ourselves nuts analyzing every little twitch here and there. My acupuncturist seems to think since I have POS that all that sugar and fattening food I ate on top of not working out at all did not help this cycle and that could be delaying my period. Dunno if that makes any sense but ok........... So here I am again back at square one when I was doing so very well and my cycles were down to 30-32 days then BAM this crap happens. I hate that my body once again has betrayed me. I'm so emotional that I take everything to heart. Hence my last post, I feel like a sh** for being hurt when H hung up the phone....she emailed me back and said she dropped the phone and really was not in a good state of mind to talk. As emotional as I've been these couple of days.....I get it but I feel foolish to have been hurt by it. Ahhhhhhh I hate not only getting my period on time and getting emotional on top of it. Maybe that is why DH made plans to go to a hockey game with friends last night........I was very short with him last couple of days, and well today he works so I'm sure as much as he hates working on a Sunday, it's better than being @ home with an over emotional wife whose constantly snapping at him. I know I'm not PG so I'm just like "ok AF just get here already, what's the holdup!" hopefully she'll come in a few days or maybe hours who knows.....I'm so freaking sick of this. so I'm off to take out my frustration on some laundry and other house hold chores....oh joy. Hope everyone else is doing fine.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
1. I was surrounded by so many pregnant women in my life......it was a painful reminder that life is so ironic....if getting knocked up is so freaking easy why not us? oh yea.....i have a blocked tube. The worse part is I never had an STD so why??????
2. I felt left behind while everyone in my RESOLVE group got pregnant, some on their first try at IVF. Yes for some I was happy but that was mostly for the veterans there were some newbies that really never experience the roller coaster that is IF and IF treatments so they just has this mentality that if you can't get pregnant just do IVF it'll work.....not so I'm an example and so are some of my fellow IF both in RESOLVE and in blog land.
3. The little hope that we would be the ones to have the first grandchild on DH side was shattered when we learned of SIL pregnancy. Oh my gosh, where do I start with this one. She has no freaking clue about the precious gift and enormous responsibility she will have for the rest of her life. This is a person who when she could not deal with having to take care of a pet.....pawned it off on her mother. Jeez. She says she wants it to be a boy.....and I'm thinking hey be grateful that you got pregnant no complications even though you are NOT taking prenatal pills and drinking coke and RC all the freaking time......no water either. Oh and she was complaining that her husband's family is gonna buy all the baby stuff but that it's gonna be baby loony toons and she's upset at that......I was glad that I did tell her something, I told her "hey beggars can't be choosers, you're lucky you are getting all this w/out you paying for anything" she gave me this go to hell look but I smiled and walked away. :)
4. That we got into so much debt from our last IVF cycle plus had to pay our portion of the bills from the emergency surgery due to the Ectopic. Yes insurance paid some of the IVF meds and some of the hospital stay from the Ectopic but still it made us very very tight. so that in turn was hard on our relationship. We're hoping to be able to financially OK to go through w/ next IVF...I keep saying March or April but nothing written in stone till we know who much we're getting back from IRS.....
5. the hopelessness and depression I felt while taking this break. I don't regret the break so much as to how much longer due to financial reasons the break lasted. I have felt like maybe it'll never happen to me and part of me is looking forward to next IVF but we were REALLY REALLY hoping some how my remaining tube would get unblocked due to the acupuncture/herbs I'm taking. Yea not in your dreams. I hate that insurance does not cover any part of infertility treatments especially IVF.....they make it near impossible to have the one thing you want.....you pay an arm and a leg for what seems to come so freaking easy to everyone else.
1. I took a break from all the fertility treatments, drugs and stress of it all. Granted it was longer that we planned but in that time I feel like I am a little better prepared physically and mentally to take on another IVF. I have PCOS on top of having a blocked tube and with the acupuncture my cycles have not gone from 60-75 days to 30-32 day cycles! It may not mean much to someone when I tell them this but to your fellow IF'ers I know you get it.
2. I realized how blessed I am to have such a supportive husband, even though we get some support from my family and his family really when it comes down to it....he's my greatest cheerleader.....he cheers me on when my temps started rising from being an Arctic 96.5 now the lowest they get is 97.3.....he cheers me on when I go work out even though I'd rather sit and zone out in from of TV.....he gives me a thank you card that read: I'm in awe of what you are doing for us, all the sacrifices you are making by not eating your favorite food, exercising even when you hate it and going to acupuncture. All the things you are doing so that we can have our babies! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Love you so much, L.
3. All the wonderful new friends I've made through RESOLVE, seeing and talking to them helps give me hope again. Also to all of you that read my blog....I am truly honored. I never did think my lil o'l blog would ever be read by any one other than maybe myself or someone that stumbled upon it. Thank you all, for that that have left comments you don't know how much they make my day, my week sometimes. And for those that read my blog but don't post a comment, don't be shy....please let me know what you think of it.
4. I got rid of some toxic friends, their true colors came out while I was in the midst of going through fertility treatments and it took me till the beginning of 2007 to realize, hey I don't need this and I am a good friend so I deserve good friends! Cutting my losses with them has been therapeutic to me and I have no regrets. And I have heard that the one that gave me the most grief......she became unemployed and is in major debt. She basically was a total B**** to me and insisted I go to her baby shower even though she knew how hard it would be for me and not once did she thank you instead she walked around rubbing her stomach (she's a big big girl and didn't look pregnant) and kept saying "everyone pregnant girl here....and put a name tag on her stomach" it was torture. Also when she was getting married she wanted to hold her wedding shower on MY first anniversary but that's another story. But she did tell me that when I got pregnant she felt like I'd get all this attention,,,more than her, and it would be like I'd be having the messiah. WTF. yea she really did say that. So I'm so freaking glad she's down in the dumps cause she deserves that and she did it all to herself....no one told her to marry a bum who refuses to work 2mth after knowing him and getting pregnant 1mth after being married. But I digress.......I'm happy she's not in my life and other girl isn't either.
5. I lost weight, got a raise and took time to my self and spend it w/hubby too.
ok well that last one is a recap but still it's my #5. So there you have it, my GOOD/BAD of 2007. I ask everyone.........what was YOUR good/bad of 2007.