Saturday, October 27, 2007

is this mth over yet?

Well this month marks the 1yr anniversary of my failed IVF cycle. I didn't think it would bother me as much as the anniversary of losing sweetpea 1 yr ago in May. But it did.....and it does not help that this past week really sucked @ work. So this week I was late to work, discovered I was on empty ( hubby forgot to gas up the car), our other car broke down ( it'll be expensive to fix), I get a shitty gift @ work and I have something else to bitch about concerning fake "friends". whew...that's a lot in one week! But I do have some good highlights to share as well.
Wed. I get to work and what's waiting for me? a shitty excuse
Halloween baggie of candy. I say shitty only cause it looks like it was thrown together all last min. Let me explain why I was upset about it before anyone goes and thinks I'm a materialistic B. Every year during Halloween we get "ghosted" meaning someone leaves you a basket full of candy and little knickknacks. Last yr I got a big ceramic pumpkin full of candy, a notepad, cute pen and pencil and socks. The years before that I got stuff like candles, socks, pens or stationary. All very cool stuff. Now I've been @ this state agency for about 5 yrs so I guess I was used to getting stuff like this. Or maybe it's cause in the basket of goodies there's a ghost you cut out and then another sheet w/instructions to deliver 3 Halloween gifts to people and it even gives examples of stuff to give! So anyways I get the goodies bag and mind you I've been feeling very emotional cause my failed IVF anniversary was that past Monday and our other car has's just not a very good week and this happens on a Wednesday. So my friend Renie by and I show her my Halloween gift and she tells me "you know I saw two other people get the same thing and they are bitching out loud about it." so in a way I feel a little better cause I didn't want to bitch out loud and didn't want to come across as a B but in a small way too I feel I should just be grateful. So I begin thinking maybe:
1. The person is new ( we did get some new coworkers) and doesn't realize what kinds of goodies to put.
2. Maybe the person doesn't have money to give out good
Halloween goodies.
3. Maybe the person is bitter and doesn't give a fuck about giving out last
yr's Halloween candy.
Due to me having a shitty week already, I accept it's the last reason on my list that the person gave out this
Halloween goodies. So then I get a phone call from one of my so called friends that I've known for about 8 yrs. Now I have not heard from them in almost a 1 1/2 but she's all calling telling me oh it's been so long since we've talked and how have I been blah blah blah fakeness fakeness fakeness....bottom line why she called? She wanted my husband "L" to do a favor for her. I lied to her and told her that we'd be out of town. She then tells me "oh I feel like I have not talked to you in forever, why haven't you called?" I remind her that after the last time we got together ( we did her a favor of helping her move) that I DID call in fact I emailed her and her partner to get together but never got a response! what did she say?" oh I don't remember getting anything" WTF!!!! Oh then she goes on to say "D & I are thinking of adopting, you should come with us to the adoption orientation too so you can get started on that" I reply " You know we're not @ that point yet maybe in another year" to which she replies "well when ARE you gonna do another invitro? and are you sure it'll work this time? at least with adoption you ARE guaranteed a baby" I could not believe my ears, the shit that was coming out of her mth. I've done pretty good about shielding myself from insensitive comments like that but this coming from a so called friend? I pretty much told her that nothing is a guarantee even adoption and this is a personal choice only L and I make.....we don't like to do something just cause others are doing it too, we're not puppets. I said that last part to hurt her more than anything cause she's very much like that....will only do something cause she's a follower of sorts। so then I made an excuse of being busy and hung up. It felt good but made me sad to realize my group of "friends" keeps getting smaller. But on the bright side I guess this stupid IF has shown me who my true friends are.

on a different note, I did get to meet 4 new women @ the RESOLVE support group I attend. We've made plans to get together outside of the meetings and I'm very much looking forward to it.
and my temps are looking great too....going up steadily today was 97.9! yesterday was 97.6! It's the little things in life I'm beginning to see and be thankful for.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Grandma's Pill box

Ok so I thought the protocol for IVF included a whole pharmacy. But I've come to the realization that I'm back to the protocol again sans IVF. Huh????? Right now DH & I have decided to put off the next IVF cycle till march 2008 to focus on getting my body healthy through acupuncture (getting my cycles regular), diet and to save up for the next IVF cycle. Thing is that with acupuncture come herbs; ok I'm ok w/that. My acupuncturist clinic has a nutrionist as well and I've have to omit quite a few food items from my daily menu diet - sad I know but hey all in the name of baby right? Well I"m not sure how this has happened but I'm now in need of a pill box; actually a granny pill box as DH says. How many do I take? well here's the breakdown:
Royal jelly pills ( 2/day) ck
Prenatal pills (1/day) ck
Liver Support pills (2/ 3x per day) ck
gallbladder pills (2/3x per day) ck
chinese herbs in a drop bottle (3x/day) ck
that's a lot of pills and herbs!!!!! I"m officially a walking pharmacy. But I must admit the herbs, prenatal and royal jelly have improved my cycle BIG TIME.
I also went to get a yrly physical @ my GYNO and MD. All test came back normal w/my Gyno except....i was finally diagnosed w/PCOS. I say finally cause I had to hound her to figure out why my cycles were so long and period my MD offices also test came back normal except i've been diagnosed w/a fatty liver. what?????so ask for more info and the MD tells me since I dont' have gallbladder stones that my gallbladder is then sluggish...hence the liver and gallbladder support pills. I googled it as well and yes that was what it said in a nutshell. So now DH calls me his "old lady" not funny by the way...
all i have to say to that is that all this that I'm doing BETTER be worth it and I BETTER get positive results on my next IVF.

oh and I have lost 3 more lbs! plus in 4 mths i've lost 1% body fat! not much to others but means a whole lot to me. It makes me closer to my goal.


Friday, October 5, 2007

I should......

Ok so to keep my mind off IF cause we all know how stressful it can make life. I have come up w/a couple of things I think I should start doing while I wait to start my IVF cycle and while I am out of the game and am “benched”.

1. I should do some volunteering. I tried to and even signed up for some volunteer opportunities but got the run around on it. The volunteer job was where I would call and check up on elderly individuals 2x week and make sure they were ok and what supplies they may need. It was great because I could do it from home or on my cell. I thought “great where do I sign up?” needless to say it was near impossible to get a hold of the individual that supposed to give me an orientation. I just gave up. That was about 6mths ago.

2. I should stop over analyzing. Yea, I have to shamefully admit it’s not one of my better qualities. Luke says I do it ALL the time and it’s annoying. And what do I over analyze about? Oh, pretty anything for example if my cousin doesn’t respond to my email or phone call I start thinking “maybe she’s mad @ me. I know silly huh? But hey I never said I was proud of it.

3. I should stop biting my nails. I let them grow then I get stressed about little stuff and “over analyze” and I start biting them. It’s a nasty, unsanitary habit but I don’t have the will power to stop!

4. I should really work out more than 2x week @ curves. I ALWAYS say to myself that I’ll go 4x then that turns to 3x and before I know it I only get to make it 2x a week. sometimes I don’t go @all. And I wonder why I can’t loose anymore weight. But I do walk a mile 3x a week @ work so I am not entirely feeling guilty.

5. I should be more patient. Gosh this is a biggie for me. On top of over analyzing everything, I am impatient. When we started TTC and I got pregnant I was overjoyed. Unfortunately we all know how that ended : ectopic pregnancy. So I was impatient in getting pregnant again, well that fell through when IVF #1 turned out to be BFN. Now I sit on the sideline “benched” if you will as everyone else if getting BFPs. Oh it’s not cause I was forced to, it’s a decision both DH and I made. I decided next IVF will be different hence my plan to get healthy through diet, exercise and acupuncture. I wish my body was “ready” for IVF #2 but more so I wish I was pregnant already.

6. I should not be so jealous and annoyed with those that get pregnant easily. OR the ones that are overly enthusiastic that they WILL get pregnant when they start using fertility drugs – I just had to add that last one. ok so my fellow IF sisters can understand why it’s annoying to see preggers out there when it’s something we want so badly. And as for the over enthusiastic “newbies” well, that’s just annoying....all I’ll say to that is I met one in my support group. She kept saying she was told by her RE (who happen to be mine) that she was an over achiever and when she had her ET she emailed everyone in the support group that she was Pregnant until told otherwise…how annoying was all I could think. She was also inquiring on the support group available ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT before she had her first BETA!!!! I'm all for having hope and trying to be positive about an IUI, OR IVF but someone in the group even told her "I really hope you do get a positive bfp" her response...."oh I know I will" And you know what I found out after the fact? Well there was someone else in my group who was annoyed by her too. Go figure…hey it made me feel validated in my feelings @ least I felt less bitchy.

7. I should stop holding grudges. Yea I still hold on to past hurts from a so called friend who showed her “true colors” when I came out that I was infertile after my ectopic and rather than be supportive…..she went and got pregnant and when I was in the middle of IVF#1 she never once asked how I was doing nor gave me any encouragement in fact she insisted I participate in her stupid baby shower and didn't thank me for being when she could tell i was miserable . When ever I did call her out on it she told me this was something between DH and myself....this infertility.ok yes it's our problem and i was not looking to her to solve it for me but I was looking for support. Yea…..this from someone who called herself my best friend and sister for the better part of 13 yrs. and…………in case you were wondering I no longer talk to her and it’s now been 7 glorious mths / 3weeks! Yea for me for having the balls and getting rid of this “toxic friend”

8. I should learn to accept a nice compliment. I try to be a good person, really I do, regardless of my jealous streak of preggers out there. But I just can't accept a compliment, guess my childhood is to blame.....i never really got any positive feedback so it's strange to me when someone tells me I'm a strong, kind hearted, smart person. But I'm working on this...hey I am a work in progress.

9. I should be more optimistic and less pessimistic. Man that should have been my first one!!!! I am one of those that NEVER sees "the silver lining". but can u blame me? it's only cause I remember the bad and expect something bad to happen. but what I can't explain is why if I am pessimistic do i believe in signs whenever i need some type of hope to grasp. all i can say.

10. I should post more and comment more on other blogs. yea enuf said. I'm more of a lurker and read SO many great blogs but never really post a comment. I did finally post one on "reproductive jeans" and she was such a sweetie she replied & even read my blog. so far i think only one more person aside from her reads it......i don't blame them it's a little boring right now. But hey it's my blog, my random thoughts, it's my outlet. by the way you can go to Reproductive Jeans ck her blog out.


11. I should learn to take a deep breathe and count my blessings……….GOSH even in the midst of infertility I have a loving, supportive husband...and it doesn't hurt that he's handsome. :) He truly is my rock and sunshine. He makes me laugh, gives me the hope that I need to look @ the end of the tunnel and see the light and is there to pick me up when I am depressed. He's a total gem and I'm lucky to have someone like him to walk this stressful unfair journey with. I have 6 Furry Babies...yes people I said 6! 3 cats & 3 dogs. The cats came first and then after a while we got the dogs. They love me unconditionally & I feel are preparing me for when our sweetpea comes back to us. My family is awesome. I love my mom & sisters, they are prayer warriors and give me the peace I need to keep my sanity. and Lastly my friend Irene and cousin Vivian....they are my true friends and help me get away from all this IF so we talk about anything and everything, go shopping, go out to eat or just hang out.

yes this was LONG ASS post but hey I've been M.I.A for a while and I needed to vent a little.