Friday, November 30, 2007

all things thankful- post thanksgiving....

OK so I'll start first off by saying the things I am thankful and then I'll finish this post with things I am not thankful for. so without further are my post thanksgiving list of thank you and thank you nots......
1. My husband who makes me laugh and tries to keep me optomistic about us having babies one day.
2. My job, yea the salary is ok and the work is steady so I'm able to splurge a little this holiday on gifts to loved ones.
3. My furry babies for the unconditional unbiased love, and non judgemental love. Enuf said.
4. My friends old and new that I have met @ Resolve and those I've known for a while.
5. My blog readers....I think I have some out there......I @ least hope so.
6. My family....miss them so much especially during the holidays.
that's pretty much it.

I'm not thankful.....
1. all the pregnant women out there including my bratty SIL, who by the way is due on DH bday....yea way to drive the knife in my heart after her doubtful comment about it never gonna happen to us.
2. The holidays, it reminds me that we lost a precious one last year and had he/she made it we'd be celebrating a first xmas and thanksgiving as a family....complete.
3. being childless...right now, having to wait to start a new IVF cycle in the new year when I feel like I"m wasting time waiting....
4. having to fill paper work to have our embryo moved to a cryo lab so it will not be disposed of for a future FET. yea it's a painful reminder of my failed IVF.
5. this infertility.....

ok well that's all for now...i wish I was my old self again...i can't for the life of me bring my self to be happy for SIL I CAN'T forget her commment....and what's worse it's beginning to affect my relationship w/dh.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The drama continues.....

I was doing better but THAN a couple of days ago DH was telling me about SIL (grrr) and how she's SO sick from nauseausness......and I just gave him this look. And then he says "you know they've been trying to get pregnant since last Nov. and just got pregnant now" my response? "ok, but I still can't forget her comment, and that makes it even worse since she was struggling to get pregnant WTF to say such a thing to another person whose struggling too" you all remember which one right? "i doubt it's gonna happen to you" about me getting husband's response? SILENCE. yup's like our conversation last time about how much her comment hurt me and how he was gonna promise to stand for me went in one ear and out the other. OH so last night DH tells me again how SIL is complaining about nausea and can't eat anything but pickles....blah blah blah. and I finally tell him "don't talk to me about SIL or her pregnancy for while ok? cause it's not so much the pregnancy that bothers me but I really can't forget the comment she made." he tells me "oh I could tell her comment has bothered you for a while...." yet he has not brought it up to her!!!! WTF! he then tells me "I told her to prepare to have 2 pregnant women in the family" and that she said "oh really? that would be great I pray pray that it;ll happen to you two" I just have one word for that....Fakeness. Ok enough of my venting and bitching....I WANT to be over these feelings, I WANT to be my old self really I do but I CAN'T stop thinking about her fakeness. well enough of are all of you? I bet doing MUCH MUCH better than me.

Saturday, November 3, 2007


well I found out after coming home from my acupuncture (which was probably the highlight of my day) that my SIL is pregnant.damnit. You know I should have known or at least been prepared to recieve the news but what hurts me too is the fact that she was scared of telling me. I think hubby made it even harder for her to to do that cause every freakin time he talked to her, he kept asking her "so are you pregnant?" WTF!!!!!!! I was doing good this whole time even starting to "hope" that my time would come soon but now.......yea that's gone down to shit. What's worse is I felt obligated to call her and do the "congratulations I'm so happy for you....speech using my fake-ass I'm SO HAPPY voice" I know it would have been hard for me either way but that fact that stupid hubby kept asking her anytime he called to talk to her makes me ( at least how I see it) look like I would be devasted and did not want her to get pregnant. And to top it off when she first told L ( hubby) that they would be trying to get pregnant he told her "I wish you would consider waiting cause I wanted to be the one who had the first grandchild cause I'm the oldest" My sweet stupid you can see he says stupid shit like that with out thinking of who it'll affect first....his sister and me. So you see my dilema? yea real shitty. I feel like now I can't even talk to him anymore cause I have no idea what he'll do next time he calls her. I mean will he say "don't talk about your baby cause it'll upset my wife........" Of coarse he told me don't worry we'll get pregnant next...yea and we'll also win the lotto. So I sit here blogging, in between cramping and crying my eyes out. I hope she doesn't call me later cause I had to wash my face and cool down before I called her. today i feel like it will never happen to us and I might as well accept that.Today I feel lonely, heartbroken, frustrated and hopeless. oh and I almost SIL found out this morning she's pregnant and to top if off told DH ( after he congrats her and says he can't wait for it to happen to us) she's sorry but she's doubting it'll happen to us. nice huh? just for that, part of me wants to get pregnant so i can rub it in her face....what a little witch!

Oh yea, today AF started. Lovely day huh?