Wednesday, January 23, 2008
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Monday's HCG results: 546
Wednesday's HCG results: 1315!
I am scheduled for an ultrasound Friday at noon
I'm not running down the street telling everyone yet.........I'm still cautious I've learned from watching other women in my RESOLVE group that some have great beta numbers but nothing growing but the sac. I know we won't see anything we may not even hear a heartbeat but I will delighted to know that it's not in my remaining tube I WANT & NEED for this little one to be in my womb where it can grow strong and be nourished. It has not really sunk in for me yet I guess I'm still needing one more hurdle to cross the ultra sound............I hope and I NEED for this to work out. PLEASE let this be the year I become a mom please dear Lord.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Please please let this be, I want to be a mommy I want to finally have the dream we've been hoping for. I'm scared and even though it's too early I still have feelings of hope for this little light inside me. Please be in the right spot please!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Aside from waiting for AF to arrive, I've decided to be more active in my local Central Texas RESOLVE. We hold meetings every other Thurs in a local hospital and well I've decided to take over the reigns from a fellow infertile now turned new mommy and keep the RESOLVE library. I figure hey it seems like I'm now a veteran and rather then just go and sit and talk I wanted to do something productive. One of the coordinators said it was a great idea especially if it's someone whose still going to the meetings but she wants me to email and get in touch with the fellow infertile......well I don't know if I want to only cause she just had a baby & as happy as I am for her....it will be a little sad that I'm still in "that place" so I may just have to tell the coordinator that and hopefully since she is the coordinator she'll talk to the other lady.
I've also started walking again and began carpooling with a fellow co-worker and since I told her I work out @ curves 3 times a week she's decided the days I carpool with her ( only 3 days a week) she will also join curves and work out! I've also got another co-worker to start walking during lunch, which I've been doing except during the holidays I really slacked off. And @ curves they are having this game that you pay $10 and you have 8 weeks to loose 10 or more pounds and the person who looses the most will win the pot of money! I'm like heck yea I need some motivation!Well that's pretty much it for me. I'm glad that I'm not cramping as bad as I thought I would. So there, seems like I am trying all I can to start off on the right foot for 2008. I 've got my days when I feel like crap and am very hopeless but I got days when I'm like ok..........this MAY happen.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Well folks, it's now CD33 and no AF!!!! I POAS but it was of coarse negative....of coarse why would I even think it may be positive? Well aside from AF being late my boobs are majorly majorly sore and I'm very sensitive to smells right now and I'm very emotional. I hate that all these signs could be early pg signs too.....ah it's no wonder we drive ourselves nuts analyzing every little twitch here and there. My acupuncturist seems to think since I have POS that all that sugar and fattening food I ate on top of not working out at all did not help this cycle and that could be delaying my period. Dunno if that makes any sense but ok........... So here I am again back at square one when I was doing so very well and my cycles were down to 30-32 days then BAM this crap happens. I hate that my body once again has betrayed me. I'm so emotional that I take everything to heart. Hence my last post, I feel like a sh** for being hurt when H hung up the phone....she emailed me back and said she dropped the phone and really was not in a good state of mind to talk. As emotional as I've been these couple of days.....I get it but I feel foolish to have been hurt by it. Ahhhhhhh I hate not only getting my period on time and getting emotional on top of it. Maybe that is why DH made plans to go to a hockey game with friends last night........I was very short with him last couple of days, and well today he works so I'm sure as much as he hates working on a Sunday, it's better than being @ home with an over emotional wife whose constantly snapping at him. I know I'm not PG so I'm just like "ok AF just get here already, what's the holdup!" hopefully she'll come in a few days or maybe hours who knows.....I'm so freaking sick of this. so I'm off to take out my frustration on some laundry and other house hold chores....oh joy. Hope everyone else is doing fine.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
1. I was surrounded by so many pregnant women in my life......it was a painful reminder that life is so ironic....if getting knocked up is so freaking easy why not us? oh yea.....i have a blocked tube. The worse part is I never had an STD so why??????
2. I felt left behind while everyone in my RESOLVE group got pregnant, some on their first try at IVF. Yes for some I was happy but that was mostly for the veterans there were some newbies that really never experience the roller coaster that is IF and IF treatments so they just has this mentality that if you can't get pregnant just do IVF it'll work.....not so I'm an example and so are some of my fellow IF both in RESOLVE and in blog land.
3. The little hope that we would be the ones to have the first grandchild on DH side was shattered when we learned of SIL pregnancy. Oh my gosh, where do I start with this one. She has no freaking clue about the precious gift and enormous responsibility she will have for the rest of her life. This is a person who when she could not deal with having to take care of a pet.....pawned it off on her mother. Jeez. She says she wants it to be a boy.....and I'm thinking hey be grateful that you got pregnant no complications even though you are NOT taking prenatal pills and drinking coke and RC all the freaking time......no water either. Oh and she was complaining that her husband's family is gonna buy all the baby stuff but that it's gonna be baby loony toons and she's upset at that......I was glad that I did tell her something, I told her "hey beggars can't be choosers, you're lucky you are getting all this w/out you paying for anything" she gave me this go to hell look but I smiled and walked away. :)
4. That we got into so much debt from our last IVF cycle plus had to pay our portion of the bills from the emergency surgery due to the Ectopic. Yes insurance paid some of the IVF meds and some of the hospital stay from the Ectopic but still it made us very very tight. so that in turn was hard on our relationship. We're hoping to be able to financially OK to go through w/ next IVF...I keep saying March or April but nothing written in stone till we know who much we're getting back from IRS.....
5. the hopelessness and depression I felt while taking this break. I don't regret the break so much as to how much longer due to financial reasons the break lasted. I have felt like maybe it'll never happen to me and part of me is looking forward to next IVF but we were REALLY REALLY hoping some how my remaining tube would get unblocked due to the acupuncture/herbs I'm taking. Yea not in your dreams. I hate that insurance does not cover any part of infertility treatments especially IVF.....they make it near impossible to have the one thing you want.....you pay an arm and a leg for what seems to come so freaking easy to everyone else.
1. I took a break from all the fertility treatments, drugs and stress of it all. Granted it was longer that we planned but in that time I feel like I am a little better prepared physically and mentally to take on another IVF. I have PCOS on top of having a blocked tube and with the acupuncture my cycles have not gone from 60-75 days to 30-32 day cycles! It may not mean much to someone when I tell them this but to your fellow IF'ers I know you get it.
2. I realized how blessed I am to have such a supportive husband, even though we get some support from my family and his family really when it comes down to it....he's my greatest cheerleader.....he cheers me on when my temps started rising from being an Arctic 96.5 now the lowest they get is 97.3.....he cheers me on when I go work out even though I'd rather sit and zone out in from of TV.....he gives me a thank you card that read: I'm in awe of what you are doing for us, all the sacrifices you are making by not eating your favorite food, exercising even when you hate it and going to acupuncture. All the things you are doing so that we can have our babies! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Love you so much, L.
3. All the wonderful new friends I've made through RESOLVE, seeing and talking to them helps give me hope again. Also to all of you that read my blog....I am truly honored. I never did think my lil o'l blog would ever be read by any one other than maybe myself or someone that stumbled upon it. Thank you all, for that that have left comments you don't know how much they make my day, my week sometimes. And for those that read my blog but don't post a comment, don't be shy....please let me know what you think of it.
4. I got rid of some toxic friends, their true colors came out while I was in the midst of going through fertility treatments and it took me till the beginning of 2007 to realize, hey I don't need this and I am a good friend so I deserve good friends! Cutting my losses with them has been therapeutic to me and I have no regrets. And I have heard that the one that gave me the most grief......she became unemployed and is in major debt. She basically was a total B**** to me and insisted I go to her baby shower even though she knew how hard it would be for me and not once did she thank you instead she walked around rubbing her stomach (she's a big big girl and didn't look pregnant) and kept saying "everyone pregnant girl here....and put a name tag on her stomach" it was torture. Also when she was getting married she wanted to hold her wedding shower on MY first anniversary but that's another story. But she did tell me that when I got pregnant she felt like I'd get all this attention,,,more than her, and it would be like I'd be having the messiah. WTF. yea she really did say that. So I'm so freaking glad she's down in the dumps cause she deserves that and she did it all to herself....no one told her to marry a bum who refuses to work 2mth after knowing him and getting pregnant 1mth after being married. But I digress.......I'm happy she's not in my life and other girl isn't either.
5. I lost weight, got a raise and took time to my self and spend it w/hubby too.
ok well that last one is a recap but still it's my #5. So there you have it, my GOOD/BAD of 2007. I ask everyone.........what was YOUR good/bad of 2007.