Wednesday, January 23, 2008

just here...............

Nothing new to report, I still don't "feel" pregnant aside from the sometimes cramping, sore boobs and lower back really it feels like I'm about to start my period. On occasion too I get indigestion and constipation with certain foods. I'm very very scared about my upcoming Dr appointment on the 31st of this mth. I'm not sure how I will handle it if I get bad news. My worst case scenario in my head has been that there's been no growth and I'll have to have a D&C, why do I fear that you ask? Well when you are thrust into the world of infertility and you see others get pregnant you see the joy and miracle that comes with that as well as the down fall that can happen just like that. I can't tell you how many women I've met or read about either here in Blogs I read or @ my local RESOLVE group that have gotten pregnant and they feel like "ok NOW I finally got pregnant I'm out of the woods" and everything seems to be going well and then fetal growth just stops just like that OR they end up miscarrying. That people is my greatest fear. It does not help that my OB will not do any more blood work or that the soonest sonogram I will get is next week, Thursday. My mom and in laws keep telling me to just relax and enjoy it.........but how can I for all I know this little may have stopped growing. You know what I can just add ONE more damn thing to the list of why I loathe infertility, it not only f**ks with your self esteem when you CAN'T get pregnant but it messes w/you AFTER you do cause any little wetness I feel I run to the bathroom thinking "oh now, it's what I feared". Take yesterday for example, I was freaking out cause the only symptoms I had were slight period like cramping and lower back pain. My boobs didn't hurt like they'd been doing since I got pregnant NOR did I have morning sickness. I freaking out so bad I looked online for symptoms of miscarriage, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. Crazy huh? well as you can well imagine I did not sleep well last night tossing and turning thinking maybe I should not have felt so detached to this little one but I'm scared right now to get too attached and watch my bubble burst. Oy, seriously if there were some meds I could safely take right now I'd take it, seriously I need a chill pill. So today at least for today my boobs "slightly" feel sore and I've got some indigestion. No cramping or morning sickness. I never thought I'd say this but I WISH for some serious morning sickness. Oh please please stay little one, we both really want you and can't wait for you to become more real to us. We can't wait till we get to see you next week, please keep growing strong and big little one.
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I can't believe it..........

that's what I said after my sonogram was was yesterday and according to what the tech saw.....I am 4weeks and 3 days. We saw a gestational sac w/yolk. It was in my opinion the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and a long time coming too. I keep pinching myself thinking this is all a dream.........I was supposed to do IVF#2 in April.......but yet now I see the beginning of this tiny little being snuggled in my uterus. Thank you to all who sent me out positive vibes, I still have worries especially since I know how precious this gift is and how it can end so quickly. And in typical form, I've set myself up some "hurdles or mild stones" that I need to pass so I can breathe a sigh of relief. My first hurdle is that I hear a heartbeat and that may not be till another week or two. All this is new to me and I still can't believe it I guess I have infertility to blame for that frame of mind. Please please little one, hang on tight and grow big and strong. Again thank you for every one's positive thoughts, I hope everyone who is starting a cycle whether it's FET, IUI or IVF gets the blessing they so deserve.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Waiting game......

I swear I can literally hear the clock ticking in my house! Gosh all this waiting is agony and I can't help but think as an infertile we do ALOT of waiting but lack of patience. We wait to try naturally if we'll concieve, we wait during IUI or IVF if that cycle is a BFP or BFN, then we wait after we get the good news to see if this pregnancy will indeed stick. Well right now I'm in the last part of waiting because today I go to the lab to give more blood and this SHOULD tell my Dr if indeed we are dealing with an ectopic or normal pregnancy. Since Monday I've been on pins and needles because any little twitch or cramp in my pelvic area I start sweating and dreading it's a sign of it being ectopic. I'm trying my damnest to keep positive but I'm afraid if I start to enjoy this little light, as I've been doing, then I'm setting myself up for a let down. I googled what was the % of another ectopic happening and it was bad huh? But only if the other tube was good.........well that's the thing folks my other tube WAS blocked at the end so do I even fall in that %? The way my luck has gone so far with pregnancies.........I may very well be in that 30%. I'm gonna give my Dr till tommorrow to give me my results because yes I'll admit it I'm chicken to call any sooner......I figure if it's bad news the longer I can safely delay it the better for me to prepare for it. But I've gotta call Thurs anyways in case I don't get a call back from them only because I need to know what's my next step? Do I go in for more blood work? Will I have to get a sonogram w/the dildo cam? I mean what? this is really a matter of life and death I can't be waiting..................whew......ok calm down calm blood pressure is up I'm getting ahead of my self but it's how my brain is wired.......I've not been in this place in a LONG time so I'm at loss on what to do. I hope hope hope please be in the right spot little one, we've waited a long time for you and alot of people are rooting for you. PLEASE I want to finally be a mom by birthday in April, I hope I get my wish. I'll post most likely tomorrow unless I get a call today. Wish me luck everyone!

*********** UPDATE********************
Monday's HCG results: 546
Wednesday's HCG results: 1315!
I am scheduled for an ultrasound Friday at noon
I'm not running down the street telling everyone yet.........I'm still cautious I've learned from watching other women in my RESOLVE group that some have great beta numbers but nothing growing but the sac. I know we won't see anything we may not even hear a heartbeat but I will delighted to know that it's not in my remaining tube I WANT & NEED for this little one to be in my womb where it can grow strong and be nourished. It has not really sunk in for me yet I guess I'm still needing one more hurdle to cross the ultra sound............I hope and I NEED for this to work out. PLEASE let this be the year I become a mom please dear Lord.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

a little secret.....

ok so what I thought was AF on CD36 turned out it wasn't.....I POAS today and wonders of wonders it was positive. I don't know what to think RE told me it would be impossible for me to get pregnant again in my one tube that was left since it was closed off but yet...........two pink lines say otherwise. I'm cautious........extremely so and detached only because I'm preparing myself for it to be ectopic. I don't want to get my hopes up not even a little bit because I'm afraid if I do then when my beta tests comes back and it is ectopic then I'll crash harder. I keep saying its ectopic only cause how could my tube be open I mean it was closed and my only chance was through IVF. This is not supposed to have happened not this way...........Part of me a small part wants it to be a valid pregnancy but that's my heart brain keeps saying louder "it may have made it through an opening in the tube but it's probably stuck midway...don't get to attached it's not going to last". I want to have hopeful happy thoughts but I just can't.......does that make sense? As for symptoms I have tender tender and swollen (.)(.) and some of my sports bras are not fitting. My BBT temps have spiked up they have been in the 98.1 realm now have jumped up to 98.4. Dunno if that means anything or if that is an indication if it's ectopic or not. I've been fatigued as well and hungrier too. I tried to remember how I felt last time and I think I remember feeling pain in my left shoulder and I was hungrier and swollen and tender breasts as well but not fatigued also I was not as emotional as I am now. Oh Lordy Lordy please please let this be our miracle that we've been waiting for. Let me finally be a mom. I've only told my mom and sisters and DH has told his parents and siblings....yes even SIL knows...she says she's excited and hopes it's not ectopic again. I feel almost numb you know? I'm making an appointment tommorrow for blood work and I hope that by the end of the week I'll know if we'll be parents in late fall or my dreams have been shattered. I guess if anything I can be thankful that my tube did unblock and I AM pregnant at least for today and for that I am thankful. I keep thinking this is not real...........I NEVER thought I'd see those 2 pink lines again ever again in my life. So I close with words that my heart keeps saying...
Please please let this be, I want to be a mommy I want to finally have the dream we've been hoping for. I'm scared and even though it's too early I still have feelings of hope for this little light inside me. Please be in the right spot please!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

CD1 and other randomness

Well finally AF decided to come, I realized I have this love/hate relationship with her. I hate when she is late and it's not cause I'm pregnant but cause of PCOS screwing up my cycle again. I love when she comes because I also know for a fact that I ovuluated and AF came on time with 30ish days. And well that for me is when PCOS has not won that month. But alas, this cycle it kicked my butt, because I did not get AF till CD 36! So this cycle PCOS won but I'm gearing up to win the next cycle and the next till I start my next IVF and the final victory will be to beat infertility......getting pg, staying pg and delivering a healthy baby. So that's how I cope with the lateness of AF. All in all it at least it wasn't CD 60 like it's been in the past huh? I can be happy about that. Oh and to answer Meghan's comment, a fellow blogger at a little sweetness, about talking to my RE about provera to jump start AF...well I was thinking about it but wanted to give AF a chance to come on her own and she did......I'm glad cause I hated it when I was on BCP to keep a regular cycle I can only imagine how I would have reacted to Provera.

Aside from waiting for AF to arrive, I've decided to be more active in my local Central Texas RESOLVE. We hold meetings every other Thurs in a local hospital and well I've decided to take over the reigns from a fellow infertile now turned new mommy and keep the RESOLVE library. I figure hey it seems like I'm now a veteran and rather then just go and sit and talk I wanted to do something productive. One of the coordinators said it was a great idea especially if it's someone whose still going to the meetings but she wants me to email and get in touch with the fellow infertile......well I don't know if I want to only cause she just had a baby & as happy as I am for will be a little sad that I'm still in "that place" so I may just have to tell the coordinator that and hopefully since she is the coordinator she'll talk to the other lady.
I've also started walking again and began carpooling with a fellow co-worker and since I told her I work out @ curves 3 times a week she's decided the days I carpool with her ( only 3 days a week) she will also join curves and work out! I've also got another co-worker to start walking during lunch, which I've been doing except during the holidays I really slacked off. And @ curves they are having this game that you pay $10 and you have 8 weeks to loose 10 or more pounds and the person who looses the most will win the pot of money! I'm like heck yea I need some motivation!Well that's pretty much it for me. I'm glad that I'm not cramping as bad as I thought I would. So there, seems like I am trying all I can to start off on the right foot for 2008. I 've got my days when I feel like crap and am very hopeless but I got days when I'm like ok..........this MAY happen.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Here we go again...........

Well folks, it's now CD33 and no AF!!!! I POAS but it was of coarse negative....of coarse why would I even think it may be positive? Well aside from AF being late my boobs are majorly majorly sore and I'm very sensitive to smells right now and I'm very emotional. I hate that all these signs could be early pg signs too.....ah it's no wonder we drive ourselves nuts analyzing every little twitch here and there. My acupuncturist seems to think since I have POS that all that sugar and fattening food I ate on top of not working out at all did not help this cycle and that could be delaying my period. Dunno if that makes any sense but ok........... So here I am again back at square one when I was doing so very well and my cycles were down to 30-32 days then BAM this crap happens. I hate that my body once again has betrayed me. I'm so emotional that I take everything to heart. Hence my last post, I feel like a sh** for being hurt when H hung up the phone....she emailed me back and said she dropped the phone and really was not in a good state of mind to talk. As emotional as I've been these couple of days.....I get it but I feel foolish to have been hurt by it. Ahhhhhhh I hate not only getting my period on time and getting emotional on top of it. Maybe that is why DH made plans to go to a hockey game with friends last night........I was very short with him last couple of days, and well today he works so I'm sure as much as he hates working on a Sunday, it's better than being @ home with an over emotional wife whose constantly snapping at him. I know I'm not PG so I'm just like "ok AF just get here already, what's the holdup!" hopefully she'll come in a few days or maybe hours who knows.....I'm so freaking sick of this. so I'm off to take out my frustration on some laundry and other house hold chores....oh joy. Hope everyone else is doing fine.

Friday, January 4, 2008

well this sucks

I just got an email from one of the ladies that goes to RESOLVE and she's just had her 3rd loss. She's been updating all of us and when she got the news that she'll have to have an D&C again well I thought it would be better if I just called to tell her hey she's not alone in her sorrow cause I know what it means to be in those shoes to get a positive and get your hopes and BAM it's ripped from you. So I call her and ......she answers, I tell her "hey H it's me ivonne..." then it sounded like she just said something and HUNG UP. Ok yes I get it if she does not want to talk to anyone right now and it's very hard but I figured sending her an email would be too impersonal and maybe she may appreciate a phone call since we've been talking @ the meetings and we met up once and she keeps bringing up the fact that we should get together again. DH says don't take to heart but ......... typical me fashion....I am hurt. I ended up emailing her and telling her sorry for her loss and how I didn't want to email her but wanted to tell her via phone how hurt I am for her loss and sorry I bothered her. I will be ok by the end of the day but still I'm just like........ok that was really odd and I would have been perfectly fine with her saying "hey it's not a good time right now" instead of getting hung up on and H if you do read this post, I'm not doing it to offend you since it's hard enough what you are going through anyways I just thought it maybe a little less impersonal that I call you and let you know you " hey this sucks I'm so sorry for you loss, I was really really hoping for you this time." I"ve said it before in other posts that for those fellow infertile I've met that there are some that I REALLY REALLY do get happy with whenever they get BFP and I look forward to hearing from them you know? But when the BFP turns into a miscarriage I cry for them because it's not fair that they were THERE and it gets ripped from them. WHY? Now for those people that get pregnant no complications....hey I am not as overjoyed. One thing I have learned is that being infertile bands you together within a group, granted it's not one you choose to be in but it bands you together non the less with other IF'ers. So I close with this............H I don't' mean to offend you and much less didn't mean to bother you. I am truly sorry for you loss and even though you may feel angry at the world I'm sending you ((hugs)). I hope you can find the strength to not give up your dream just yet and I will continue to root for you to become the mother you so deserve.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

good riddance 2007....Hola 2008!

I am sure I'm not the only one overjoyed with 2007 being over.....good riddance! In retrospect though, 2007 was not as horrible as 2006.......both my ectopic and failed IVF happened in that year. But 2007 would have been the year I would have either been a newly first time mom or been pregnant awaiting to become a newly first time mom. So yea 2007 was bitter sweet in some other ways to but it was a good year as well. I have decided to write a list of what was good and bad of 2007. So maybe this will also get others to think what was the good and the bad of their 2007.
1. I was surrounded by so many pregnant women in my was a painful reminder that life is so ironic....if getting knocked up is so freaking easy why not us? oh yea.....i have a blocked tube. The worse part is I never had an STD so why??????

2. I felt left behind while everyone in my RESOLVE group got pregnant, some on their first try at IVF. Yes for some I was happy but that was mostly for the veterans there were some newbies that really never experience the roller coaster that is IF and IF treatments so they just has this mentality that if you can't get pregnant just do IVF it'll work.....not so I'm an example and so are some of my fellow IF both in RESOLVE and in blog land.

3. The little hope that we would be the ones to have the first grandchild on DH side was shattered when we learned of SIL pregnancy. Oh my gosh, where do I start with this one. She has no freaking clue about the precious gift and enormous responsibility she will have for the rest of her life. This is a person who when she could not deal with having to take care of a pet.....pawned it off on her mother. Jeez. She says she wants it to be a boy.....and I'm thinking hey be grateful that you got pregnant no complications even though you are NOT taking prenatal pills and drinking coke and RC all the freaking water either. Oh and she was complaining that her husband's family is gonna buy all the baby stuff but that it's gonna be baby loony toons and she's upset at that......I was glad that I did tell her something, I told her "hey beggars can't be choosers, you're lucky you are getting all this w/out you paying for anything" she gave me this go to hell look but I smiled and walked away. :)

4. That we got into so much debt from our last IVF cycle plus had to pay our portion of the bills from the emergency surgery due to the Ectopic. Yes insurance paid some of the IVF meds and some of the hospital stay from the Ectopic but still it made us very very tight. so that in turn was hard on our relationship. We're hoping to be able to financially OK to go through w/ next IVF...I keep saying March or April but nothing written in stone till we know who much we're getting back from IRS.....

5. the hopelessness and depression I felt while taking this break. I don't regret the break so much as to how much longer due to financial reasons the break lasted. I have felt like maybe it'll never happen to me and part of me is looking forward to next IVF but we were REALLY REALLY hoping some how my remaining tube would get unblocked due to the acupuncture/herbs I'm taking. Yea not in your dreams. I hate that insurance does not cover any part of infertility treatments especially IVF.....they make it near impossible to have the one thing you pay an arm and a leg for what seems to come so freaking easy to everyone else.

1. I took a break from all the fertility treatments, drugs and stress of it all. Granted it was longer that we planned but in that time I feel like I am a little better prepared physically and mentally to take on another IVF. I have PCOS on top of having a blocked tube and with the acupuncture my cycles have not gone from 60-75 days to 30-32 day cycles! It may not mean much to someone when I tell them this but to your fellow IF'ers I know you get it.

2. I realized how blessed I am to have such a supportive husband, even though we get some support from my family and his family really when it comes down to it....he's my greatest cheerleader.....he cheers me on when my temps started rising from being an Arctic 96.5 now the lowest they get is 97.3.....he cheers me on when I go work out even though I'd rather sit and zone out in from of TV.....he gives me a thank you card that read: I'm in awe of what you are doing for us, all the sacrifices you are making by not eating your favorite food, exercising even when you hate it and going to acupuncture. All the things you are doing so that we can have our babies! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Love you so much, L.

3. All the wonderful new friends I've made through RESOLVE, seeing and talking to them helps give me hope again. Also to all of you that read my blog....I am truly honored. I never did think my lil o'l blog would ever be read by any one other than maybe myself or someone that stumbled upon it. Thank you all, for that that have left comments you don't know how much they make my day, my week sometimes. And for those that read my blog but don't post a comment, don't be shy....please let me know what you think of it.

4. I got rid of some toxic friends, their true colors came out while I was in the midst of going through fertility treatments and it took me till the beginning of 2007 to realize, hey I don't need this and I am a good friend so I deserve good friends! Cutting my losses with them has been therapeutic to me and I have no regrets. And I have heard that the one that gave me the most grief......she became unemployed and is in major debt. She basically was a total B**** to me and insisted I go to her baby shower even though she knew how hard it would be for me and not once did she thank you instead she walked around rubbing her stomach (she's a big big girl and didn't look pregnant) and kept saying "everyone pregnant girl here....and put a name tag on her stomach" it was torture. Also when she was getting married she wanted to hold her wedding shower on MY first anniversary but that's another story. But she did tell me that when I got pregnant she felt like I'd get all this attention,,,more than her, and it would be like I'd be having the messiah. WTF. yea she really did say that. So I'm so freaking glad she's down in the dumps cause she deserves that and she did it all to one told her to marry a bum who refuses to work 2mth after knowing him and getting pregnant 1mth after being married. But I digress.......I'm happy she's not in my life and other girl isn't either.

5. I lost weight, got a raise and took time to my self and spend it w/hubby too.

ok well that last one is a recap but still it's my #5. So there you have it, my GOOD/BAD of 2007. I ask everyone.........what was YOUR good/bad of 2007.