just here...............

Nothing new to report, I still don't "feel" pregnant aside from the sometimes cramping, sore boobs and lower back really it feels like I'm about to start my period. On occasion too I get indigestion and constipation with certain foods. I'm very very scared about my upcoming Dr appointment on the 31st of this mth. I'm not sure how I will handle it if I get bad news. My worst case scenario in my head has been that there's been no growth and I'll have to have a D&C, why do I fear that you ask? Well when you are thrust into the world of infertility and you see others get pregnant you see the joy and miracle that comes with that as well as the down fall that can happen just like that. I can't tell you how many women I've met or read about either here in Blogs I read or @ my local RESOLVE group that have gotten pregnant and they feel like "ok NOW I finally got pregnant I'm out of the woods" and everything seems to be going well and then fetal growth just stops just like that OR they end up miscarrying. That people is my greatest fear. It does not help that my OB will not do any more blood work or that the soonest sonogram I will get is next week, Thursday. My mom and in laws keep telling me to just relax and enjoy it.........but how can I for all I know this little may have stopped growing. You know what I can just add ONE more damn thing to the list of why I loathe infertility, it not only f**ks with your self esteem when you CAN'T get pregnant but it messes w/you AFTER you do cause any little wetness I feel I run to the bathroom thinking "oh now, it's what I feared". Take yesterday for example, I was freaking out cause the only symptoms I had were slight period like cramping and lower back pain. My boobs didn't hurt like they'd been doing since I got pregnant NOR did I have morning sickness. I freaking out so bad I looked online for symptoms of miscarriage, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. Crazy huh? well as you can well imagine I did not sleep well last night tossing and turning thinking maybe I should not have felt so detached to this little one but I'm scared right now to get too attached and watch my bubble burst. Oy, seriously if there were some meds I could safely take right now I'd take it, seriously I need a chill pill. So today at least for today my boobs "slightly" feel sore and I've got some indigestion. No cramping or morning sickness. I never thought I'd say this but I WISH for some serious morning sickness. Oh please please stay little one, we both really want you and can't wait for you to become more real to us. We can't wait till we get to see you next week, please keep growing strong and big little one.
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.