Friday, October 5, 2007

I should......

Ok so to keep my mind off IF cause we all know how stressful it can make life. I have come up w/a couple of things I think I should start doing while I wait to start my IVF cycle and while I am out of the game and am “benched”.

1. I should do some volunteering. I tried to and even signed up for some volunteer opportunities but got the run around on it. The volunteer job was where I would call and check up on elderly individuals 2x week and make sure they were ok and what supplies they may need. It was great because I could do it from home or on my cell. I thought “great where do I sign up?” needless to say it was near impossible to get a hold of the individual that supposed to give me an orientation. I just gave up. That was about 6mths ago.

2. I should stop over analyzing. Yea, I have to shamefully admit it’s not one of my better qualities. Luke says I do it ALL the time and it’s annoying. And what do I over analyze about? Oh, pretty anything for example if my cousin doesn’t respond to my email or phone call I start thinking “maybe she’s mad @ me. I know silly huh? But hey I never said I was proud of it.

3. I should stop biting my nails. I let them grow then I get stressed about little stuff and “over analyze” and I start biting them. It’s a nasty, unsanitary habit but I don’t have the will power to stop!

4. I should really work out more than 2x week @ curves. I ALWAYS say to myself that I’ll go 4x then that turns to 3x and before I know it I only get to make it 2x a week. sometimes I don’t go @all. And I wonder why I can’t loose anymore weight. But I do walk a mile 3x a week @ work so I am not entirely feeling guilty.

5. I should be more patient. Gosh this is a biggie for me. On top of over analyzing everything, I am impatient. When we started TTC and I got pregnant I was overjoyed. Unfortunately we all know how that ended : ectopic pregnancy. So I was impatient in getting pregnant again, well that fell through when IVF #1 turned out to be BFN. Now I sit on the sideline “benched” if you will as everyone else if getting BFPs. Oh it’s not cause I was forced to, it’s a decision both DH and I made. I decided next IVF will be different hence my plan to get healthy through diet, exercise and acupuncture. I wish my body was “ready” for IVF #2 but more so I wish I was pregnant already.

6. I should not be so jealous and annoyed with those that get pregnant easily. OR the ones that are overly enthusiastic that they WILL get pregnant when they start using fertility drugs – I just had to add that last one. ok so my fellow IF sisters can understand why it’s annoying to see preggers out there when it’s something we want so badly. And as for the over enthusiastic “newbies” well, that’s just annoying....all I’ll say to that is I met one in my support group. She kept saying she was told by her RE (who happen to be mine) that she was an over achiever and when she had her ET she emailed everyone in the support group that she was Pregnant until told otherwise…how annoying was all I could think. She was also inquiring on the support group available ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT before she had her first BETA!!!! I'm all for having hope and trying to be positive about an IUI, OR IVF but someone in the group even told her "I really hope you do get a positive bfp" her response...."oh I know I will" And you know what I found out after the fact? Well there was someone else in my group who was annoyed by her too. Go figure…hey it made me feel validated in my feelings @ least I felt less bitchy.

7. I should stop holding grudges. Yea I still hold on to past hurts from a so called friend who showed her “true colors” when I came out that I was infertile after my ectopic and rather than be supportive…..she went and got pregnant and when I was in the middle of IVF#1 she never once asked how I was doing nor gave me any encouragement in fact she insisted I participate in her stupid baby shower and didn't thank me for being when she could tell i was miserable . When ever I did call her out on it she told me this was something between DH and myself....this infertility.ok yes it's our problem and i was not looking to her to solve it for me but I was looking for support. Yea…..this from someone who called herself my best friend and sister for the better part of 13 yrs. and…………in case you were wondering I no longer talk to her and it’s now been 7 glorious mths / 3weeks! Yea for me for having the balls and getting rid of this “toxic friend”

8. I should learn to accept a nice compliment. I try to be a good person, really I do, regardless of my jealous streak of preggers out there. But I just can't accept a compliment, guess my childhood is to blame.....i never really got any positive feedback so it's strange to me when someone tells me I'm a strong, kind hearted, smart person. But I'm working on this...hey I am a work in progress.

9. I should be more optimistic and less pessimistic. Man that should have been my first one!!!! I am one of those that NEVER sees "the silver lining". but can u blame me? it's only cause I remember the bad and expect something bad to happen. but what I can't explain is why if I am pessimistic do i believe in signs whenever i need some type of hope to grasp. weird....is all i can say.

10. I should post more and comment more on other blogs. yea enuf said. I'm more of a lurker and read SO many great blogs but never really post a comment. I did finally post one on "reproductive jeans" and she was such a sweetie she replied & even read my blog. so far i think only one more person aside from her reads it......i don't blame them it's a little boring right now. But hey it's my blog, my random thoughts, it's my outlet. by the way you can go to Reproductive Jeans ck her blog out.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!!!!!


11. I should learn to take a deep breathe and count my blessings……….GOSH even in the midst of infertility I have a loving, supportive husband...and it doesn't hurt that he's handsome. :) He truly is my rock and sunshine. He makes me laugh, gives me the hope that I need to look @ the end of the tunnel and see the light and is there to pick me up when I am depressed. He's a total gem and I'm lucky to have someone like him to walk this stressful unfair journey with. I have 6 Furry Babies...yes people I said 6! 3 cats & 3 dogs. The cats came first and then after a while we got the dogs. They love me unconditionally & I feel are preparing me for when our sweetpea comes back to us. My family is awesome. I love my mom & sisters, they are prayer warriors and give me the peace I need to keep my sanity. and Lastly my friend Irene and cousin Vivian....they are my true friends and help me get away from all this IF so we talk about anything and everything, go shopping, go out to eat or just hang out.

yes this was LONG ASS post but hey I've been M.I.A for a while and I needed to vent a little.

2 comments:

JJ said...

Love your lists of "shoulds"....a lot of mine are similar to yours!
Hope you had a nice weekend=)

Foreverhopeful said...

I just caught up on your blog and wanted to thank you for reading and supporting mine.

This is a great list and it really does help to set goals for yourself.. although sometimes its easier said than done. Look forward to following your journey.. :)