Thursday, February 14, 2008

hello hello........

I realize that some may not want to celebrate or acknowledge today especially if you are going through the struggles of IF, but I still want to send out positive thoughts to everyone and lots of hugs.
Well I gotta say from my last post, I am feeling better much better after venting out to a friend of mine I met at RESOLVE. Plus that day I happen to have my acupuncture appt so I took the time while I'm lying on the bed w/needles in me to meditate. It helped me relax and also gave me time to "speak" to my little one....I told him/her that I was very grateful he/she had picked us as parents and trusts me with his/her life. I told him/her that it was loved very much and we hoped he/she stay with us and continue to grow strong and healthy. I told my little one that until I have to share him/her with the outside world that he/she is all mine and it's just the two of us for the mths to come. After my "talk" I felt a sense of peace and just felt like all will turn out all right. ok, not trying to be all new agey or anything but it's how I felt. Now all was going good and well UNTIL tuesday when I got a call from DH telling me one of his friends from work the wife was losing the baby. Now why would this put me in panic mode after weeks of calmness? Because she is only 1 week behind me. Apparently all was going well no signs of distress then she started to bleed and it got worse so they admitted her to the hospital and she had to have a D&C that day. So now I'm all paranoid and my little bubbly of hope that I held on to has burst. I'm not naive I KNOW the pain of loss and I know a pregnancy can end just like that no rhyme or reason, That is what makes having to wait for my next dr appt @ the end of the month feel like ages from now. Today I'm off from work so I'm going to take it easy and I have my acupuncture appt so I may just try to meditate on the good in the pregnancy so far. I feel somewhat guilty though that sometimes I don't "feel" pregnant. It's a daily struggle I know this but part of me wants to fast forward to 2nd trimester when my chances, statistically speaking, become lower. I'm afraid to day dream about what it will be like to have a big'o belly and to start feeling the baby moving....I'm afraid to day dream in case my dreams comes crashing down. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I know of 2 other women whom I met for dinner last night that are pregnant after either IVF or acupuncture. They have the same fears as I do but they are both in their 2nd trimester.............gosh I look at my widget and it seems like an eternity till I get there. But I guess all I can do is wait and keep hoping that this little one is still alive and well and sticking around. Alot of family and friends are looking forward to meeting our little one in the coming months.

1 comment:

inconceivablejourney said...

I love the idea that you spent some time "speaking" to the little one. I don't think it's new-agey and if it is, so what? You need to do everything you feel is right for you and the baby.

This was a lovely post and I wish you great happiness in the months to come.