Wednesday, April 23, 2008

blue or pink?

well it's one more day to go till we find out if we will have little girl or boy.....we have names picked out but I'm not yet sharing maybe I'll share later. I'm nervous that something might go wrong, so nervous it's stressing me out and I've not had a good night's rest for the past 2 weeks! I'm having nightmares that the baby is dead, missing a limb, has no brain etc....I wake up in a sweat and shaking. I know that there is some possibility all can go OK and normal in this pregnancy BUT...there's always a but right? I'm just afraid very afraid that anything can go right since nothing concerning getting pregnant ever came easy to me, yes this time it was w/out IVF but still I've had my share of heartache and I still am somewhat detached from this child, very different from my first pregnancy that ended in an ectopic, it makes me feel guilty. I hate to say this but yes it's true, even when I hear the heartbeat it seems surreal to me like that heartbeat can't possibly be MY I could be hearing someone else's baby's heartbeat. I report to you all about it and how I'm happy at last and I am but I'm much more detached than I am attached, does that make sense? I'm happy that I've gotten this far and as far as the DR, all sounds normal and such and I finally have a tiny bump but I CAN'T allow myself to feel like he/she is a part of me and growing inside me. Maybe it's cause I have not felt movement yet, dunno. Maybe it's because I've longed for a baby for so long and lived with infertility that I know nothing else, it's almost as if infertility has become my security blanket. I'm hoping all goes well and MAYBE just maybe seeing this baby on the monitor will make me feel closer to it and maybe it will sink in that I may very well be a mom in September and there's really a living being inside me. seriously I can't fathom I could be someone MOM, I can't picture myself as nothing more than someone's aunt, sister, & friend. Hopefully seeing this baby, OUR baby, tommorrow will finally start to heal those wounds of infertility and feelings of inadequacy and pessimism that I have carried as a security blanket for so long. I can only hope.

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