Monday, September 21, 2009

not that I'm complaining....much.

So, no one ever tells you that when you decide to become a stay at home mom, that the following happens:
A. you feel alienated from the "adult" world"
B. Time/dates no longer matter. Because you forget the day of the week it is and what time it is!
C. You start to envy those that actually get up and go the salt mines, hey they earn a paycheck!
D. Your day consists of watching some educational TV (noggin), reading stories and running around the house because you'er chasing your toddler due to them getting into something they shouldn't OR because of a game.
E. No matter how much you clean, do laundry, dust etc....the next day it's deja vu....you start ALL over again because the house is a mess.
Look I'm not complaining, really I'm not...I prefer the term "venting my frustrations" out. I figure my blog most likely doesn't get read anymore so I can safely vent about how lately I've been putting on a fake smile and sounding like a robot when people or old co-workers ask me "so do you like staying at home?" I must admit I'm on autopilot when I hear that question, deep inside I really want to say "I hate it and I like it at times" . I've tried mommy groups, going to story time & going for walks but I still feel out of sorts with this new chapter in my life, the chapter of stay at home mommy. Yes I realize I am very very blessed to stay at home and precisely for that reason I'm weighed down by guilt that I may have gone into this too hastily. I feel I must at this point state that I love my child very much so, I'd give my life for her I would do anything for her and I KNOW that by staying home with her it's the BEST care for her, hands down. NO ONE will take of her the way I want as well as I can, I know this and yet sometimes I find myself missing work. I would not mind having a partime job, that could be an option maybe not at my old job but I can look else where but for the time being I can't help but feel as if I've left a bit of myself behind. I feel many times that I don't get a break, a vacation much less time to myself. When Luke gets home I feel guilty when I tell him it's his turn. I know he's tired but feel like I'm a broken record when I keep reminding him that I've been with her ALL day long! I used to think it would be nice to expand our familly but now I dont' know. I wish I knew how many moms do it, maybe what I'm missing out on is support I don't know. Sadly right now the only time I have to myself is because I'm sick and Luke had actually gone out w/Sofia and I have a few hours myself.....hey beggers can't be choosers right?

2 comments:

Spanglish said...

This summer I loved staying home with Zoey. I've never had a better summer, and I know it was the best summer of my life because I decided to keep her in daycare/pre-school part time so that when it was time to go back to work being in someone else's care wouldn't be such a big shock.

It was truly the best of everything -- my paycheck intact, as much time with my daughter as I wanted, and a break twice a week to do whatever I wanted all day long.

I COMPLETELY understand the emotional conflict of being a SAHM. Maybe there is a church or something that offers a "mommy's day out" once a week? You need some time to yourself.

Good luck.

Lindsey said...

Boy, you posted this a while back and I don't know where I've been so I hope things are better for you now. Still, I know exactly how you feel. I miss the career I worked so hard to establish. I miss having money. I miss the social interaction with adults. SAHM can be very isolated. Have you tried moms club? There are several chapters in austin. Moms club dot com. All SAHMs giving support to each other.

I think it is hard to find the balance as a SAHM and to find the mentality that what you are doing is a full time job. It is.

It's a good post. I'm sure so many of us can relate. I know I can.