Saturday, December 12, 2009

Full days....

These days I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering where did the time go? She's now 15mths old and it seems all her "babyness" is almost gone and I know have a toddler. I find myself yearning for another baby, but I'm scared. I'm scared to try again and have it fail and get my hopes up again only to get my period another month. I will start acupuncture once again to see if I can concieve again that way but a little part of me is tired... tired of having to need help once again to do something that seems to come so easily to others. I know it worked for me I see the proof...I have a little person who runs around the house yelling and laughing at the cats and dogs while I am cooking or cleaning house, but still.....I am afraid. When I have the time I read other bloggers who struggle with the same fear to have another baby and that in a way is comforting. So yes my days are full and as exhausting as that is at times I feel my heart is not full, I want more... I want another baby or two. I love Sofie but I feel as if my family is not complete yet. I am starting to get that yearning in my heart for another chance to feel a baby move within my womb, to feel the joy I felt nursing the joy that my heart has grown just a little more to make room for our new family member. Time is flying so fast too fast, my baby is no longer a baby anymore but fast becoming a toddler and then soon...preschooler. I know I should be grateful she's a miracle that happened to us but I want more....I need to try but again the fear of failing creeps it's ugly head. Odd how once you been through infertility and have a baby you feel "yes I have won this battle! I no longer am infertile I have a baby finally!" but the reality of the matter is I'll ALWAYS be the "infertile" woman no matter if I have a 15 mth old. That reality is very clear now as I hope each mth that maybe just maybe I've won the baby lottery and have 2 pink lines appear on a pregnancy test.

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