IF awareness week

It's infertility awareness week, and every year I am reminded of the battle I had to fight w/tears and pain to come out a winner. It's a battle that has left me with many scars and although they have closed up they will never ever heal. I still want another child but at times I am hesitant to get back into the ring w/my adversary, I'm downright frightened that this next time i may not win. I keep telling myself I have enough, just to stop there.... I have my miracle, the child I so longed for so many years, cried myself to sleep in my husband's arms for, yearned so deeply for. But that does not mean I will ever forget or be extra sensitive to other women who either walked the same journey or are walking the same journey. I wish there were more information regarding infertility, I hate how the media portrays this as NOT a disease but something that can overcome simply by adopting or some other means. And what REALLY irritates me is when these idiot women come on TV saying they got pregnant thru IVF because simply the egg was "implanted", ugh excuse if i'm wrong but it get TRANSFERRED first and it doesn't always work dumbass! I wish either better advancements would be made towards ALL medical diagnosis that cause infertility, contrary to what many uninformed people it's NOT because you get old that you can't get pregnant! Or how about if health insurance companies started paying AT LEAST 1/2 of the cost of infertility treatment? IT'S A DIEASE fuckers! You can cover fucking viagra but you won't cover infertility treatments! well I better quit this post now before I really start cursing. so if you are reading this and are not infertile, maybe you have not been diagnosed or don't know but you may know someone....the best thing you can for them is listen and empathize with them....it's a lonely heartbreaking journey to begin with and not having anyone to support makes it unbearable.

Put it on hold...for now

Ah, where to start? Putting my career on hold to become a SAHM has been cut short, well sorta. I have gone back to work part time, 20 hrs/week, with a different government agency; but doing somewhat the same duties as before. Financially this will help us tremendously and in a small way I am looking forward to going back to the workforce again. But.....I can't help but feel guilty for two reasons.

Reason #1... This was supposed to be a time when I would be the one raising Sofie and just enjoy her all to myself. Instead my mother in law will take over child care duties 20+ hrs a week. I'm very grateful not only because she will be in great hands but she is not charging me as much as a daycare would. Still I feel that guilty feeling in my heart. I am starting to think I am going to miss out on new words she will say. Teaching her Spanish is very important to us, and so far she understands it and speaks a few words too. My MIL does not speak spanish which is a bit of concern of mine, but she has asked that I make flash cards for her so she can at least say a few phrases to Sofia while she is in her care. That makes me feel a little less guilty about my going back to work but the guilt is still there.

Reason #2... At the beginning of this year Luke and I were discussing trying for a second child. I was starting to go back to acupuncture and exercising to loose a few pounds and become healthy. I even started getting giddy when I would look at the newborn clothes at the store. This however will have to change due to my going back to work. I know if I were to get pregnant now and I just started working again there really is nothing they can do about it. However, the workaholic in me would like to prove myself and just focus on work for about 6mths then try to get pregnant. My brain says this is the LOGICAL choice but my heart? My heart screams SCREW LOGIC. A big reason is I will be turning 35 this year and due to my Latin upbringing I keep thinking I need to have another baby soon. I know how stupid right? I have made friends with some wonderful women who just had their first child at 39 or 40 and are trying to get pregnant again or are pregnant. So, why does it bother me so much? I have to blame my aunts and mom on this one. We have been getting asked the dreaded questions "so when are you going to have another baby? Don't you want a big family?" when Sofia was just 9mths old. Yes I want another baby, but not a big family. I would love to have 3 children but I think 2 would be just fine for us. I hate that infertility caused years to go by until I was in my 30's to have Sofia. But recently in talking to a friend of mine who is 40 and trying for baby #2, it started to dawn on me...it's not too late. I don't know if it will take another few years for baby #2 but I am holding on to hope that it will not and who knows we might be a family of 5 by the time I hit 40. Either way for now I have to find a way to be ok with the decision to put a few things on hold for now.

In due time

I look at this little person who no longer resembles a baby and can't help but think that time is just flying by, and her babyhood has passed by in an instant. Officially the books all say Sofie is not a toddler yet...but she's not an infant either. She's in an akward stage of leaving babyhood and entering toddlerhood, she's ALMOST 17 mths old in five days!!!! I am a bit sad at this transition into toddlerhood as the baby that once was so very dependent on me is now a little person who loves to help me sweep, "fold" the laundry and feed her doggies when she has a snack in her hand all on her own. She's changing so much the only way I can describe it is like an onion, all these stages/milestones she's passing are just layers that get peeled back. Everyday she learns or masters something. She says a few words not as much as some other children in her play group say but I'm not fretting or pushing her, I tell myself....it will happen in due time. One thing I have learned by staying home with her is she does things on her own schedule......all in due time. I made the mistake of trying to push the sippy cup on her over and over when she turned a yr old but the outcome of that was a screaming child who refused to drink her milk and would not budge. Lesson learned, one point for Sofia zero points for mom on this one. She's stubborn alright and I should not be surprised she gets it from both her parents. But just recently she surprised me, I was washing her bottles/nipples and she wanted something to drink all I had available was you guessed it.... sippy cup. I was hesitant to give it to her only because i could already hear the protesting fit she was about to throw but she took it and as if she'd been doing it for months....she drank from it. I was very surprised and so I tried again but no luck, I told myself ok ...all in due time. She amazes me each day and although I started this journey as a SAHM excited and after a bit I was frustrated I really am starting to see what other stay at home moms have been telling me....it's all worth it. I don't know when I'll go back to working fulltime, I may do it in 2 years or wait until Sofia starts school but one thing is for sure I'll make the decision all in due time.