family....

well my sister's visit went better than expected. I can say I was enjoyed her company and that of my nieces and nephew and brother in law. Yes I did have to be after them to close that door because of the AC, turn off the bathroom or bedroom lights when no one is there, who left another opened can of coke etc....but it was good to see them. I spent so much more time with them than when we usually go down to see them during the holidays. My nieces are such bright little girls and my nephew although a handful is a funny character. I must admit I found myself trying to picture what it would be like having 4 kids or being a mom and I could picture it but it was exhausting! Every night WE were the ones in bed BEFORE they were! We went to my in laws out in the hill country and those little kids still had LOTS of energy past 11pm! I think hubby also might have had those same thoughts too because a couple of times he even asked me " you sure you want one or two or three of these?" . and you know, I DO want 1,2, or 3 kids but I want them to be OUR kids. It's not the same and anyone who has nieces/nephews can attest to this. It's all great to baby sit them or have then visit you and pump them full of sugar but in the end at the of the day they go back to THEIR parents. And I want to be able to share our life and nurture our own children. I want to be called Mom, mama, mommy. And I want to be able to say "go ask Daddy if it's ok" I can't explain how much more I fell in love w/my husband these past days just seeing how he interacted w/my nieces & nephew. I know he'll be a great dad and I'll be the best mom I can be....we just need G*d, the universe something out there to turn our luck. I have to admit that I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted to be a mother at all and maybe due to my hesitation is the reason all this bad "luck" has happened to us? I may never know the answer to this but I think I want to really get a plan together to make our dream come true. which brings me to my next subject...AF.
I still have not started my AF and we are going on 12 days late!!!!! I've taken 3 prg.test and they are ALL negative. I told my sister (who can only look at her husband and get pregnant) and she said maybe the tests are wrong. I told her I took 3 and she said she'd tested negative w/3 of her children and she turned out pregnant. I don't want to hear that only cause that makes me start wondering what if those test ARE wrong? then I start to wonder if my hormones are messing w/me and what if something worse if wrong w/me? so I'll just wait for now....to see if I EVER get AF. I'll post if anything happens.

I am tired......

I am tired.....of still not getting my period. it's now been 5 days late!! and I took a PT but it was negative. I want to tell my body "hey get witht the program here! S**t or get off the pot already so I can start my accupressure or accupuncture exercises!!!"

I am tired...of feeling sick now going on a week. Normally allergies don't get me but they are kicking my butt this time. I wake up every morning congested, coughing and feeling miserable. Could the constant rain be the cuplrit?

I am tired....of one of my 3 dogs acting up. He's a year old and is still chewing his way through stuff. So far the count is:
3 pairs of perfectly good tennis shoes
a pillow
a hair band
a bag of uncooked rice
that's it so far...I dread to think of what he may chew up next. we did not have this problem w/the other 2. Granted the other 2 are chihuahuas compared to this 45+ shepherd mix dog but come on!! I have a gut feeling he misses his twice a day walks ( which we can't do cause of the rain)..... My husband thinks he's being vindictive. dunno............

I am tired....of everyone getting pregnant all around me. It's like I'm getting left behind. True, i've not started IVF#2 nor my Tradition chinese medicine BUT i can't do anything till AF comes. I'm trying to stay positive and keep telling myself "God provided for you and Luke as individuals and as a couple and he WILL provide you w/the babies both of you desire". But i can only say that so much before doubt rears it's ugly head. I wish there was a sign i would accept that would say "hey stupid yes I'm talking to you....YES you WILL get pregnant and you WILL have a baby" I'm just impatient and wish it were to happen soon.

I am tired.....of having to go through so much in my life and seem like I have to work my ass off or sweat big time in order to achieve it. I married late in life, to some people and so I'm now it seems in a race to get pregnant soon before my baby making years are gone forever. I wish just once just ONCE i could get something and not have to sweat it. All I want is a baby that is part of Luke and part of me. Is that too much to ask for?

Lastly.....I am tired of bitching about being tired of all the crap that i have to come across in my life. but...........that's life right? it could be worse i suppose.

definetly no....

well I took a pgncy test and it was negative. that bugs me only cause I still don't know why I have not gotten my period. The thought has crossed my mind that I am stressed that my sister is coming up for visit for 2 1/2 days. OK so that is not very long but she's got 4 kids all under the age of 8!!! I know how ironic that I want kids badly yet I'm stressing about my nieces and nephew coming for visit. don't get me wrong I love them to death but they can get a bit out of hand and do wear you out like you wouldn't believe! but i guess we might as well get used to it right? you know maybe I'm like lots of those childless people who say they stress out about kids they know whether they are family, godchildren or their friend's kids yet they have a preconceived notion in the mind that when they have kids their kids will be angels; only to turn out quite the opposite. God I hope not!!!! When I do have kids, hopefully in the very near future, I want them to be well behaved and little spoiled beings. I want to be able to go to someones house and be welcomed there and not be shunned or avoided cause my kid or kids are terrible. My biggest fear is having a kid(s) that throw temper tantrums in the store; you see the embarrassment on the parent's face. I should bite my tongue here cause I could be jinxing myself. gosh if that were to happen to me I think I'd need to call Nanny 911....just joking. anyways so getting back to my original thought, yup i think I'm stressing cause of my family's visit and it doesn't help that my sister has been calling me since last Monday ( they are coming in the day after 4th of July) and makes comments like "so you ready for us!!! better start getting ready cause here we come!" yup there is some sarcasm in her voice but i know she and the kids miss us terribly, it's not like they live 30min or even an 1 hr away. nope, they live 6 hrs away. so here's to a great up coming visit, I hope we can entertain them enough.