Monday, July 9, 2007


well my sister's visit went better than expected. I can say I was enjoyed her company and that of my nieces and nephew and brother in law. Yes I did have to be after them to close that door because of the AC, turn off the bathroom or bedroom lights when no one is there, who left another opened can of coke etc....but it was good to see them. I spent so much more time with them than when we usually go down to see them during the holidays. My nieces are such bright little girls and my nephew although a handful is a funny character. I must admit I found myself trying to picture what it would be like having 4 kids or being a mom and I could picture it but it was exhausting! Every night WE were the ones in bed BEFORE they were! We went to my in laws out in the hill country and those little kids still had LOTS of energy past 11pm! I think hubby also might have had those same thoughts too because a couple of times he even asked me " you sure you want one or two or three of these?" . and you know, I DO want 1,2, or 3 kids but I want them to be OUR kids. It's not the same and anyone who has nieces/nephews can attest to this. It's all great to baby sit them or have then visit you and pump them full of sugar but in the end at the of the day they go back to THEIR parents. And I want to be able to share our life and nurture our own children. I want to be called Mom, mama, mommy. And I want to be able to say "go ask Daddy if it's ok" I can't explain how much more I fell in love w/my husband these past days just seeing how he interacted w/my nieces & nephew. I know he'll be a great dad and I'll be the best mom I can be....we just need G*d, the universe something out there to turn our luck. I have to admit that I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted to be a mother at all and maybe due to my hesitation is the reason all this bad "luck" has happened to us? I may never know the answer to this but I think I want to really get a plan together to make our dream come true. which brings me to my next subject...AF.
I still have not started my AF and we are going on 12 days late!!!!! I've taken 3 prg.test and they are ALL negative. I told my sister (who can only look at her husband and get pregnant) and she said maybe the tests are wrong. I told her I took 3 and she said she'd tested negative w/3 of her children and she turned out pregnant. I don't want to hear that only cause that makes me start wondering what if those test ARE wrong? then I start to wonder if my hormones are messing w/me and what if something worse if wrong w/me? so I'll just wait for see if I EVER get AF. I'll post if anything happens.

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