Goals...

My next OB appt is this coming Thursday and even though I'm trying my best..........I'm so very nervous. I had an episode about a week ago that scared me very much. I went to the bathroom and noticed some brown spotting on my underwear I called the 24 hr Nurse line and luckily got a nurse she'd asked if I'd done anything straneous and was I having any kind of cramping......uh no...but I did have to admit that DH and I had been "frisky" last night.....she said that sometimes spotting will happen because of that and it was no biggie but she'd have my nurse call me the next day.My nurse called the next day and repeated the same thing, but by then I was not spotting at all and I'd never had any cramping so I felt a bit relieved as well. So far as everything I shouldn't be worried right? I guess being that all I've gotten is bad news since my infertility it's only natural to expect bad news rather than good. I'm taking easy but everytime I got to the bathroom I'm almost expecting to see some spotting, I keep telling myself that it's going to be ok to keep me going till my next appointment. So now I'm a little more than 10 weeks just 3 more till I'm out of my 1st trimester, can't wait. Being the Type A person that I am, I've set "goals" for myself and so far I can cross out 3 of them.
1. Become Pregnant through IVF......ok that happened but not through IVF...check
2. Once pregnant, rule out ectopic.......got early blood work and HCG levels doubled accordingly and early ultrasound, saw sac and yolk.......check
3. See a heartbeat......check

My next goals?
4. Hear or see a good heartbeat
5. that the baby be right on target as far as growth or ahead.

I hope I can cross these two goals out as well, since this would mean to me that is one step closer to reaching our dream of bring a healthy baby home sometime in Sept.

hello hello........

I realize that some may not want to celebrate or acknowledge today especially if you are going through the struggles of IF, but I still want to send out positive thoughts to everyone and lots of hugs.
Well I gotta say from my last post, I am feeling better much better after venting out to a friend of mine I met at RESOLVE. Plus that day I happen to have my acupuncture appt so I took the time while I'm lying on the bed w/needles in me to meditate. It helped me relax and also gave me time to "speak" to my little one....I told him/her that I was very grateful he/she had picked us as parents and trusts me with his/her life. I told him/her that it was loved very much and we hoped he/she stay with us and continue to grow strong and healthy. I told my little one that until I have to share him/her with the outside world that he/she is all mine and it's just the two of us for the mths to come. After my "talk" I felt a sense of peace and just felt like all will turn out all right. ok, not trying to be all new agey or anything but it's how I felt. Now all was going good and well UNTIL tuesday when I got a call from DH telling me one of his friends from work the wife was losing the baby. Now why would this put me in panic mode after weeks of calmness? Because she is only 1 week behind me. Apparently all was going well no signs of distress then she started to bleed and it got worse so they admitted her to the hospital and she had to have a D&C that day. So now I'm all paranoid and my little bubbly of hope that I held on to has burst. I'm not naive I KNOW the pain of loss and I know a pregnancy can end just like that no rhyme or reason, That is what makes having to wait for my next dr appt @ the end of the month feel like ages from now. Today I'm off from work so I'm going to take it easy and I have my acupuncture appt so I may just try to meditate on the good in the pregnancy so far. I feel somewhat guilty though that sometimes I don't "feel" pregnant. It's a daily struggle I know this but part of me wants to fast forward to 2nd trimester when my chances, statistically speaking, become lower. I'm afraid to day dream about what it will be like to have a big'o belly and to start feeling the baby moving....I'm afraid to day dream in case my dreams comes crashing down. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I know of 2 other women whom I met for dinner last night that are pregnant after either IVF or acupuncture. They have the same fears as I do but they are both in their 2nd trimester.............gosh I look at my widget and it seems like an eternity till I get there. But I guess all I can do is wait and keep hoping that this little one is still alive and well and sticking around. Alot of family and friends are looking forward to meeting our little one in the coming months.

that's just the kind of luck I have....NOT

So today I found out that SIL is having a boy. My reaction to this news.............devasted. Ok I could blame it on my wacky pregnancy hormones as to why I'm jealous, my culture that I wanted to be one to have the first boy, or I can just be very frank about why I'm upset about it. But before I go into that I'd like to say in my defense yes this makes me look like a bitch when I say I'm not happy she's having a boy that I wanted her to have a girl since she really really wanted a boy, but really I'm not a bitch I'm very nice just ask anyone really and normally I don't hold grudges unless you've hurt me to the core. Well that being said, I am holding a grudge towards her because of the comment she made late last year about she doubting we'd ever get pregnant on our own, I can't help it people that was an uncalled for bitchy ass remark and I am holding on to that grudge seriously dunno if I will ever let it go but right now I can't I just can't. So because of that comment I was really hoping she'd get a girl since when she was down here visiting she went on and on about how she wants a boy and that's all she wanted, so basically my jealously wanted her to NOT get what she wanted for.....once. So DH is ok with it and said and i quote " I don't see what the big deal is" . DH thinks and keeps telling me we're having a boy too, here's the thing people I was ok having a boy or a girl I really am I mean I prayed, sweated, did acupuncture and cried over even getting pregnant so I know what a miracle this baby is BUT part of me wanted to give his family the first grandson since DH is the first son of the first son I thought "hey that would be neat to have a boy..." so now I'm kinda hoping we have a girl only cause if we have a boy I know how she is and how his family is................they will compare. Yup there I said it, so if I have a girl she'll still be a "first" and SIL can't compare her boy to my girl. But with my luck I may end up having a boy but I tell ya what, I will not stand for any comparing. ahhh. this so sucks and has ruined my entire day. I just need to vent to someone so i think I'll call a friend of mine who I know will be sympathtic rather that try to talk to DH and get no where.

update

We saw the heartbeat last Thursday and even though we didn't get to hear it on the doppler it was enough for us. I'm still very much in awe and it doesn't seem like this is happening to me.......guess all those years of infertility have really messed with my head and such. My Dr was able to finally pinpoint how far along I am, due to me having PCOS, I didn't even know when I ovulated. She said at the time baby was measuring 7wks and 3 days, but from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be 8wks & 3days.....I of coarse became alarmed at the discrepancy between dates but she said it was no biggie and that everything looked right on target. I'm still nervous and will be until my next appointment at the end of the mth but I want to stay positive about this possibility that this may very well turn out good for us. I have a picture but since I gotta wait till I can borrow my friend's scanner I may not get to upload it till later on this week. If not well, it may be later later on. I told my friends at my local RESOLVE and all of them were very supportive but I could tell they were hurt too. I struggled with either emailing them or telling them and decided to tell them in person since I've known them a while from either at the RESOLVE meetings, emailing, talking on the phone or meeting outside the meetings. I feel guilty that I won't get to go to those meetings anymore and that I'm "Here" while they are still either waiting to start treatments, coping with failed IUI's or IVF's, or starting treatments. Part of me is just torn because I feel guilty for being happy I'm farther along than I was last time I was pregnant but that I'm leaving so many good friends I've met behind. And I also mean some of the bloggers I've met in Blogland. If you all can, please go over to JJ's blog. She could really use some positive support right now. I'll try to update a little more often but can't promise much..........please keep checking back though because I may have a new update.