Green Eyed Monster

So i have to vent for just a bit...I got news that a friend of mine ( who I've been seriously considering breaking the friendship with..but that is another later post) is having a boy. So this doesn't really bother me persay but the fact that she's been complaining about having to get on insulin for this pregnancy YET not doing anything to better the situation. She supposedly had her diabetes under control and was told to LOOSE weight before getting pregnant...does she listen? NO. once she got pregnant she was told to watch what she ate and to walk for exercise...does she listen? NO. I now avoid her calls because all she does is complain how because of this pregnancy she has to get on insulin. So for me this is how I see this...when I got pregnant I did everything and anything that was expected of me FOR THE GOOD OF THE BABY! This lady in my opinion is SELFISH. She's due early April and has not bought not one thing for her baby. When I have brought up about baby showers or if she's got any for the baby her answer (before she knew the gender) was "oh I'm waiting to find out what this is first..." she never calls it

the baby it's "this" or "it" Why does this bother me so much? cause I heard her for so long, groan and cry about wanting a baby so bad and now that she's going to have one (hopefully it'll be born healthy despite her diabetes) all I hear is complain, complain, complain! ugh I have even noticed how negative I start being when I am around her. I don't know if it's cause we are starting to try again for baby #2 or it's cause I thought she understood after "longing" for a baby that she may understand what a miracle it is to be pregnant, but I am envious and utterly disgusted with her. There I've said it, utterly disgusted with her selfishness. Like I said this is for a future post but I am seriously considering breaking off the "friendship". It just amazes me how I seem to be a magnet for making friends with people like her.

Full days....

These days I find myself looking at my daughter and wondering where did the time go? She's now 15mths old and it seems all her "babyness" is almost gone and I know have a toddler. I find myself yearning for another baby, but I'm scared. I'm scared to try again and have it fail and get my hopes up again only to get my period another month. I will start acupuncture once again to see if I can concieve again that way but a little part of me is tired... tired of having to need help once again to do something that seems to come so easily to others. I know it worked for me I see the proof...I have a little person who runs around the house yelling and laughing at the cats and dogs while I am cooking or cleaning house, but still.....I am afraid. When I have the time I read other bloggers who struggle with the same fear to have another baby and that in a way is comforting. So yes my days are full and as exhausting as that is at times I feel my heart is not full, I want more... I want another baby or two. I love Sofie but I feel as if my family is not complete yet. I am starting to get that yearning in my heart for another chance to feel a baby move within my womb, to feel the joy I felt nursing the joy that my heart has grown just a little more to make room for our new family member. Time is flying so fast too fast, my baby is no longer a baby anymore but fast becoming a toddler and then soon...preschooler. I know I should be grateful she's a miracle that happened to us but I want more....I need to try but again the fear of failing creeps it's ugly head. Odd how once you been through infertility and have a baby you feel "yes I have won this battle! I no longer am infertile I have a baby finally!" but the reality of the matter is I'll ALWAYS be the "infertile" woman no matter if I have a 15 mth old. That reality is very clear now as I hope each mth that maybe just maybe I've won the baby lottery and have 2 pink lines appear on a pregnancy test.

in the jungle the lion sleeps tonight....

Hands down this Halloween I was able to enjoy all the trick/treating in a whole new light. I always have fun decorating, giving out candy etc but this year I got to see it in a whole new light thanks to this lil lion. I hope everyone had a lovely halloween and ate LOTS of candy I know our household did. LOL. I also want to thank everyone that wrote in to say they understand how hard it is to be a SAHM, you know yes I did put my "career" on hold but I have a new job, my description:

self employed, paid with kisses and hugs and laughs. I am a personal chef to a 14mth old and teacher in creative playing. Do I get quarterly bonuses? why yes I do.... anytime she advances and I know it's because of something I taught her.

not that I'm complaining....much.

So, no one ever tells you that when you decide to become a stay at home mom, that the following happens:

A. you feel alienated from the "adult" world"

B. Time/dates no longer matter. Because you forget the day of the week it is and what time it is!

C. You start to envy those that actually get up and go the salt mines, hey they earn a paycheck!

D. Your day consists of watching some educational TV (noggin), reading stories and running around the house because you'er chasing your toddler due to them getting into something they shouldn't OR because of a game.

E. No matter how much you clean, do laundry, dust etc....the next day it's deja vu....you start ALL over again because the house is a mess.

Look I'm not complaining, really I'm not...I prefer the term "venting my frustrations" out. I figure my blog most likely doesn't get read anymore so I can safely vent about how lately I've been putting on a fake smile and sounding like a robot when people or old co-workers ask me "so do you like staying at home?" I must admit I'm on autopilot when I hear that question, deep inside I really want to say "I hate it and I like it at times" . I've tried mommy groups, going to story time & going for walks but I still feel out of sorts with this new chapter in my life, the chapter of stay at home mommy. Yes I realize I am very very blessed to stay at home and precisely for that reason I'm weighed down by guilt that I may have gone into this too hastily. I feel I must at this point state that I love my child very much so, I'd give my life for her I would do anything for her and I KNOW that by staying home with her it's the BEST care for her, hands down. NO ONE will take of her the way I want as well as I can, I know this and yet sometimes I find myself missing work. I would not mind having a partime job, that could be an option maybe not at my old job but I can look else where but for the time being I can't help but feel as if I've left a bit of myself behind. I feel many times that I don't get a break, a vacation much less time to myself. When Luke gets home I feel guilty when I tell him it's his turn. I know he's tired but feel like I'm a broken record when I keep reminding him that I've been with her ALL day long! I used to think it would be nice to expand our familly but now I dont' know. I wish I knew how many moms do it, maybe what I'm missing out on is support I don't know. Sadly right now the only time I have to myself is because I'm sick and Luke had actually gone out w/Sofia and I have a few hours myself.....hey beggers can't be choosers right?

all the wonders

i must admit I do love staying at home with this little bundle of joy. she's growing up so fast it's not funny. here she is playing in her car while mommy does some gardening....she's walking now..oh boy! everyday she and I discover some new adventure and it brightens up my day.

3 down ... 2 to go....

So as of today, I have 2 more days of work. I know I am very blessed that I will be able to stay home with this little ball of energy whom we affectionately call "terror-dactyl" I realize not many working mothers are able to stay at home and I try not take this opportunity lightly. We went back and forth for months on whether it was going to be worth it staying home or just finding a different daycare center, one that incorporated the spanish language; but it was either too expensive or too long of a wait. It's very important for us that she learn to speak Spanish and learn about her culture, it will be easier with me being home to teach her all of that. A part of me feels guilty for putting my career on hold for a few years but with all the suffering, longing and spending we did to have her, we know it's the right decision. Everyday she learns something new and I'm just amazed and a little sad that I was not the one to teach her to clap and to wave for example. But....I did teach her to say "teta" which in spanish means bottle. So it's bittersweet, I'm putting a part of my life on hold in order to become a stay at home mom, with a child that over a year ago I thought we'd never have.

happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July! Boy it sure was scorching humid day! We went down to south Texas to visit my family; sofia got to see all her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma and great grandma! The trip itself was not a good one.....ugh......that will be for another post all together. But we stayed so Sofia could see her grandma, great greatma and cousins. So I leave you with this picture of Sofia and Dean her, other cousin who does live near us, it was both his mom and his first time going to South TX. Oh and in this picture, Sofia is just one day shy of turning 10 months...how cool is that?!

first of many father's days

 Happy Belated father' day! Just wanted to post a pic of the reason why it's Luke's first father's day. Hope everyone had a great one. 

counting the days...

I am counting the days...literally on my calender...until I can stay home w/Miss Sofia. She's grown so fast, sometimes I feel as if I blinked and one day she was a immobile newborn and now she's a VERY mobile infant. Her birthday is just around the corner and I thank God I will be home with her by then. I know there is so much I've missed these months she has been in daycare but I know there's still so much more ahead to learn with her. I had mixed feelings about taking a hiatus from my career but having her has shifted my priorities...and my priority is now her. She is such a happy baby and we hope that it's because we have shown her safety and love. She loves to explore and crawl away from us constantly looks back to make sure we are close by. I can't wait to discover new things with her, to teach new things and have our mother/daughter relationship grow.

crawling machine

Sofie has gone through so many milestones in my mind both big and small, it's getting harder and harder as I see my little girl grow up. She's crawling now and pulling herself up when she's in her crib and when is crawling around the living room and comes up to the sofa. I'm in total amazment that little human is here with us, just thinking about it that last year I was pregnant and wondering what she looked like, what she'd be like....i get to experience it now. I know the following is what EVERY mother says about their child but i think she's very smart. She LOVES to imitate and does it so very well. She's constantly learning new things EVERY day sometimes we can't keep up with it. One day she may not know how to clap and just moves her hands and the next day she's clapping. lately she's been making raspberries and yelling whenever she gets excited...yes we call it her pterdactyl call. Everyday she's looking more like a little person then a baby. I'm at a cross roads right now; excited about what she will become yet still fighting the ache of my heart having to allow her independence so she can grow. she makes me and her father laugh so much everyday it's hard to believe what life was with out her. i tell Luke we were probably very boring until she came along. LOL. Funny how Luke and I thought we were in trouble when she learned to roll over but now she can sit AND crawl...O i think trouble is not even the half of it.

Two tooth, rolling over wonder.....

Well I must say I don't know how this happened so fast, one day I was holding a couple minutes old newborn and just staring at her and awe and now..........I have a 24 week old infant who is sporting two bottom teeth and rolling from her tummy to her back like a pro. Where did the time go?! I see Sofie and she's still so young, such a baby YET she's grown so much and everyday she learns a new skill OR masters a milestone. It's bittersweet for me.....bitter cause I feel like my baby is growing up too fast and won't need me anymore and sweet because every new milestone, every new skill she learns is a new adventure. I miss the days when I could rock her to sleep or just have her sleep on my chest and she was such a little thing; she was wearing premie onesies! Now? oh she's barely going to be 6mths and wears clothes for a 9mth old. Luke doesn't share my heartache as far as the "growing pains" he keeps saying ' she's still our baby and always will be' I know I know yet I can't help it, she's becoming more independent from us each day. When she doesn't want to be help because she prefers to scoot on her playmat or jump in her jumperoo I often get a lump in my throat and my eyes get teary. I prayed and cried for this little miracle girl to come into our lives and I'm just not yet ready for her to master her next milestone: crawling. I'm hoping it'll be weeks...months till she starts to crawl but when it does happen all I can do is just encourage and support her with love and keep reminding myself "she's still my baby and always will be"

Dream a little dream.........

All of us have a dream, I'm sure. Some of us have "big" dreams others have "small" dreams. I think my dream is neither.....it's a dream that has grown out of the desire in my heart for my daughter. You see I'm dreaming that sometime this year I can become an a stay at home mom. I've told a couple of friends and family this dream and I get either of these two reactions: " really? are you sure? don't you want to stay with the state and contribute to your retirement, you know the economy is not very good right now." OR i get...." wow! that's great! it's a BIG decision but one that will be worth while in the long run" I always thought if I EVER was blessed to become a mother I'd vow to be the BEST mom I could to MY child. Don't get me wrong I have NOTHING against working moms....hey I am one! But lately it's been tugging at my heartstrings to become a SAHM. I see Sofie growing up and every day she does something NEW...and I'm not there to see it first hand until I get home and the either Luke or the sitter tells me about it. Luke and I discussed me becoming SAHM mths before Sofie was born actually as soon as we found out it was a viable pregnancy and for all intent and purposes that all would turn out well in the end. I was a little hesitant to the idea at first only because I've been working since I was like 15. I enjoyed staying those 8plus weeks I had off for Maternity leave but I was also glad to be back at work. Then I went back to work and that first day was HELL. All my fellow co-worker moms told me " oh it gets better, yea you miss them at first but really you'll get over it..." guess what...........I'm not OVER it. I think I miss Sofie more today than that first day I dropped her off at daycare. Luke and I have thought how can we afford for one of us to stay home especially with his job being a little shaky. We've gone over our budget and after paying off some of the store credit cards, credit cards and our car we can manage w/his income alone....this fortunately can be done w/ some savings and income tax rebate. It will be tough but we can make ONLY if he doesn't get laid off like alot of his co-workers. We have thought of that as well and he's got a job lined up the only thing is it would take him out of town 5 days a week and we'd see him only the weekends. I don't know I feel silly even wanting to be a SAHM, but in my heart I feel it's the right thing for MY family. Luke also has been talking about going to night school and getting a daytime job elsewhere. I do have a way of making some money on the side while I stay at home...a friend of mine is due in May and will not be going back to work till after the end of July, she's been looking around at daycares but can't afford the 1200 plus that it costs and that was at a place that was the cheapest. so she's asked me if i can look after her son and she'd pay me about $700 and I'd have him from 6:30 till 2pm. It is a possibility I definitely would take but again it all rests on if Luke can secure a job by end of July. So till then I dream my dream...who knows maybe it will come true....I mean I did have a dream to become a mom and well we all know how well that ended. :)