belated belated Feliz navidad......

Well this year we decided to be at home for Christmas and cook brisket and invite some friends over. It turned out nicer than I thought....we had a great time. I so was not looking forward to going to visit my in laws the next day only cause SIL was gonna be there....but hey gotta take one for the team I suppose. Oh by the way SIL is farther along than we all thought....she thought she was 8wks but she's 13 weeks! How the heck do you not pay attention if you missed a period especially when you are trying to get pregnant is beyond me....I guess being infertile makes me much more sensitive to knowing how your body works cycle-wise. Anywho.....we got there and it was OK.....she does NOT look preggers at all so that actually helped in that she was not doing any belly rubbing. She was being civil as well and nice............I actually started to like her again. I used to like hanging out with her but that comment ruined our friendship...apparently she's gotten very mean with EVERYONE and bitchy like no one's business. She snapped both at DH and her husband for little things...i could tell her husband was getting fed up with her attitude. Luckily I was not a victim of her bitchiness.....oh I was prepared believe me I was! Anyways not much happened we had a good time even played the game of Life. We came back near 9pm and I had to get ready for bed since I had work the next day......blah! I'm still very much sad these days but with the holidays out of the way I'm hoping I start to see a little of my old self. today is CD 24 and as far as symptoms go: sore breasts, cramping and sore lower back as well. Yes yes I know all signs of AF about to make her unpleasant visit...but these symptoms are far more strong than usual, part of me hopes that maybe just maybe I can be pregnant naturally.....but hey that's only hope. If I am not, we are still planning on going through with IVF #2 in March or April. Gosh I hope it's a success this time, nothing would be sweeter than to be pregnant on my birthday in April.....man that would rock!

Part of our family

So this past Friday one of our dogs had to be rushed to the veterinary emergency clinic. I had planned to enjoy my 1/2 day off from work to try to get over my sinus infection but, as luck would have it didn't happen that way. DH and I were sitting down enjoying a TV show when I got up to get something from the kitchen, well as usual Rudy, Abbey and Maddock all followed me. I turned around and that's when I noticed Rudy's upper part of his face looked swollen. I bent down to touch his face and noticed it was swollen and puffy. I yelled @ DH to come look @ Rudy because he didn't look right & when he saw what I'd seen we took off the Vet ER clinic. Now anyone who has a small dog or a cat knows that because of their size any allergic reaction whether it's cause of an insect bite or food that it's gonna affect them even more than a large dog. Well Rudy is a 7 lb chihuahua so you can imagine my concern especially since the swelling was spreading & I feared it would block his air way. Plus we weren't sure right away what caused it until DH saw a broken capsule on the couch....he'd ingested part of my herbal pills I take for liver/gallbladder support.
I took the bottle that the pills come in and we took that w/us to the clinic. We got there around 6ish but didn't leave till a little after 8pm, and we left with out him. let me tell you that night was not the same and the other dogs kept looking for him. We were able to pick him around 1pm the next day but I don't think anyone in our household slept well that night.
You see our dogs & cats are our fur babies until we have are human babies. Even if we ever are blessed with babies they will still be our first babies. But Rudy is a little bit extra special to me. He came to us in May 2006, the same month we lost our baby due to an ectopic. He was a belated birthday gift that I got from a friend. I was not looking to replace or forget our baby by any means, since it'd been 3 weeks and the loss was very much still fresh. But I was extremely depressed and was seeing a counselor to help deal with the loss but still felt broken, hollow and I was afraid I'd never be able to be a mother or "mother" anyone ever again. I was in a fog and just could not get out of it. Three days after we got him I went to my counseling session and even my counselor noticed something had changed in me, I smiled just talking about this 2lb little puppy. I talked to her about our newest addition but felt a bit guilty and didn't want it to seem to anyone that I'd forgotten or replaced our baby. But she assured me that what we lost was very precious and getting Rudy did not replace or make us forget that loss rather it allowed to ease the pain we as a couple felt. By focusing on this new puppy and his needs it took the focus of our heart & pain off us. I still cry from time to time and I know DH may or may not cry but he gets sad too for our loss we are both grateful for Rudy, who came to us at a time when we were hurting bad. And as for me, he helped me to be able to see that I can still be mothering. Each of our fur babies are special to us and some may or may not agree with me but to us they are part of our family. I hope we are blessed one day with child(ren) so they can experience the unconditional love a pet brings. Sometimes I sit and imagine how much richer our lives will be.
so here are a few picture of our fur babies. Enjoy. the top picture that is Rudy and Abbey and the other picture that is Maddock.

Blog you very much!

sorry this is such a late post but I have not been in the best of moods these holidays....but I wanted to do this post from an idea JJ @ reproductive jeans had. Basically it's to explain who inspired you to write a blog about your struggles with infertility and such.
Mine was Larissa over at waiting womb, I had the honor of first meeting her in our local central texas RESOLVE group. Her story inspired me not only to keep going and not loose faith in this battle with infertility but also to see that hey yea it sucks but it WILL HAPPEN. She's now blessed to be awaiting the birth of her beautiful baby girl Elodie. I've not been through all she's been through mainly cause our diagnosis is not the same but I feel and understand her struggle and frustration with the whole thing. I hope that when March/April comes around in 2008 that we will be blessed too. But for now just wanted to tell Larissa "blog you very much!"

I'll make sure I post some more in a couple of days...have some stuff other than SIL drama and infertility that I'd like to share....maybe even some photos of my furry babies! till then, stay warm & dry if ya'll live in Texas!

all things thankful- post thanksgiving....

OK so I'll start first off by saying the things I am thankful and then I'll finish this post with things I am not thankful for. so without further ado......here are my post thanksgiving list of thank you and thank you nots......
1. My husband who makes me laugh and tries to keep me optomistic about us having babies one day.
2. My job, yea the salary is ok and the work is steady so I'm able to splurge a little this holiday on gifts to loved ones.
3. My furry babies for the unconditional unbiased love, and non judgemental love. Enuf said.
4. My friends old and new that I have met @ Resolve and those I've known for a while.
5. My blog readers....I think I have some out there......I @ least hope so.
6. My family....miss them so much especially during the holidays.
that's pretty much it.

I'm not thankful.....
1. all the pregnant women out there including my bratty SIL, who by the way is due on DH bday....yea way to drive the knife in my heart after her doubtful comment about it never gonna happen to us.
2. The holidays, it reminds me that we lost a precious one last year and had he/she made it we'd be celebrating a first xmas and thanksgiving as a family....complete.
3. being childless...right now, having to wait to start a new IVF cycle in the new year when I feel like I"m wasting time waiting....
4. having to fill paper work to have our embryo moved to a cryo lab so it will not be disposed of for a future FET. yea it's a painful reminder of my failed IVF.
5. this infertility.....

ok well that's all for now...i wish I was my old self again...i can't for the life of me bring my self to be happy for SIL I CAN'T forget her commment....and what's worse it's beginning to affect my relationship w/dh.

The drama continues.....

I was doing better but THAN a couple of days ago DH was telling me about SIL (grrr) and how she's SO sick from nauseausness......and I just gave him this look. And then he says "you know they've been trying to get pregnant since last Nov. and just got pregnant now" my response? "ok, but I still can't forget her comment, and that makes it even worse since she was struggling to get pregnant WTF to say such a thing to another person whose struggling too" you all remember which one right? "i doubt it's gonna happen to you" about me getting pregnant....my husband's response? SILENCE. yup .....it's like our conversation last time about how much her comment hurt me and how he was gonna promise to stand for me went in one ear and out the other. OH so last night DH tells me again how SIL is complaining about nausea and can't eat anything but pickles....blah blah blah. and I finally tell him "don't talk to me about SIL or her pregnancy for while ok? cause it's not so much the pregnancy that bothers me but I really can't forget the comment she made." he tells me "oh I could tell her comment has bothered you for a while...." yet he has not brought it up to her!!!! WTF! he then tells me "I told her to prepare to have 2 pregnant women in the family" and that she said "oh really? that would be great I pray pray that it;ll happen to you two" I just have one word for that....Fakeness. Ok enough of my venting and bitching....I WANT to be over these feelings, I WANT to be my old self really I do but I CAN'T stop thinking about her fakeness. well enough of me...how are all of you? I bet doing MUCH MUCH better than me.

CD1

well I found out after coming home from my acupuncture (which was probably the highlight of my day) that my SIL is pregnant.damnit. You know I should have known or at least been prepared to recieve the news but what hurts me too is the fact that she was scared of telling me. I think hubby made it even harder for her to to do that cause every freakin time he talked to her, he kept asking her "so are you pregnant?" WTF!!!!!!! I was doing good this whole time even starting to "hope" that my time would come soon but now.......yea that's gone down to shit. What's worse is I felt obligated to call her and do the "congratulations I'm so happy for you....speech using my fake-ass I'm SO HAPPY voice" I know it would have been hard for me either way but that fact that stupid hubby kept asking her anytime he called to talk to her makes me ( at least how I see it) look like I would be devasted and did not want her to get pregnant. And to top it off when she first told L ( hubby) that they would be trying to get pregnant he told her "I wish you would consider waiting cause I wanted to be the one who had the first grandchild cause I'm the oldest" My sweet stupid husband.....as you can see he says stupid shit like that with out thinking of who it'll affect first....his sister and me. So you see my dilema? yea real shitty. I feel like now I can't even talk to him anymore cause I have no idea what he'll do next time he calls her. I mean will he say "don't talk about your baby cause it'll upset my wife........" Of coarse he told me don't worry we'll get pregnant next...yea and we'll also win the lotto. So I sit here blogging, in between cramping and crying my eyes out. I hope she doesn't call me later cause I had to wash my face and cool down before I called her. today i feel like it will never happen to us and I might as well accept that.Today I feel lonely, heartbroken, frustrated and hopeless. oh and I almost forgot...........my SIL found out this morning she's pregnant and to top if off told DH ( after he congrats her and says he can't wait for it to happen to us) she's sorry but she's doubting it'll happen to us. nice huh? just for that, part of me wants to get pregnant so i can rub it in her face....what a little witch!

Oh yea, today AF started. Lovely day huh?

is this mth over yet?

Well this month marks the 1yr anniversary of my failed IVF cycle. I didn't think it would bother me as much as the anniversary of losing sweetpea 1 yr ago in May. But it did.....and it does not help that this past week really sucked @ work. So this week I was late to work, discovered I was on empty ( hubby forgot to gas up the car), our other car broke down ( it'll be expensive to fix), I get a shitty gift @ work and I have something else to bitch about concerning fake "friends". whew...that's a lot in one week! But I do have some good highlights to share as well.
Wed. I get to work and what's waiting for me? a shitty excuse Halloween baggie of candy. I say shitty only cause it looks like it was thrown together all last min. Let me explain why I was upset about it before anyone goes and thinks I'm a materialistic B. Every year during Halloween we get "ghosted" meaning someone leaves you a basket full of candy and little knickknacks. Last yr I got a big ceramic pumpkin full of candy, a notepad, cute pen and pencil and socks. The years before that I got stuff like candles, socks, pens or stationary. All very cool stuff. Now I've been @ this state agency for about 5 yrs so I guess I was used to getting stuff like this. Or maybe it's cause in the basket of goodies there's a ghost you cut out and then another sheet w/instructions to deliver 3 Halloween gifts to people and it even gives examples of stuff to give! So anyways I get the goodies bag and mind you I've been feeling very emotional cause my failed IVF anniversary was that past Monday and our other car has broken...it's just not a very good week and this happens on a Wednesday. So my friend Renie by and I show her my Halloween gift and she tells me "you know I saw two other people get the same thing and they are bitching out loud about it." so in a way I feel a little better cause I didn't want to bitch out loud and didn't want to come across as a B but in a small way too I feel I should just be grateful. So I begin thinking maybe:
1. The person is new ( we did get some new coworkers) and doesn't realize what kinds of goodies to put.
2. Maybe the person doesn't have money to give out good Halloween goodies.
3. Maybe the person is bitter and doesn't give a fuck about giving out last yr's Halloween candy.
Due to me having a shitty week already, I accept it's the last reason on my list that the person gave out this Halloween goodies. So then I get a phone call from one of my so called friends that I've known for about 8 yrs. Now I have not heard from them in almost a 1 1/2 but she's all calling telling me oh it's been so long since we've talked and how have I been blah blah blah fakeness fakeness fakeness....bottom line why she called? She wanted my husband "L" to do a favor for her. I lied to her and told her that we'd be out of town. She then tells me "oh I feel like I have not talked to you in forever, why haven't you called?" I remind her that after the last time we got together ( we did her a favor of helping her move) that I DID call in fact I emailed her and her partner to get together but never got a response! what did she say?" oh I don't remember getting anything" WTF!!!! Oh then she goes on to say "D & I are thinking of adopting, you should come with us to the adoption orientation too so you can get started on that" I reply " You know we're not @ that point yet maybe in another year" to which she replies "well when ARE you gonna do another invitro? and are you sure it'll work this time? at least with adoption you ARE guaranteed a baby" I could not believe my ears, the shit that was coming out of her mth. I've done pretty good about shielding myself from insensitive comments like that but this coming from a so called friend? I pretty much told her that nothing is a guarantee even adoption and this is a personal choice only L and I make.....we don't like to do something just cause others are doing it too, we're not puppets. I said that last part to hurt her more than anything cause she's very much like that....will only do something cause she's a follower of sorts। so then I made an excuse of being busy and hung up. It felt good but made me sad to realize my group of "friends" keeps getting smaller. But on the bright side I guess this stupid IF has shown me who my true friends are.


on a different note, I did get to meet 4 new women @ the RESOLVE support group I attend. We've made plans to get together outside of the meetings and I'm very much looking forward to it.
and my temps are looking great too....going up steadily today was 97.9! yesterday was 97.6! It's the little things in life I'm beginning to see and be thankful for.

Grandma's Pill box

Ok so I thought the protocol for IVF included a whole pharmacy. But I've come to the realization that I'm back to the protocol again sans IVF. Huh????? Right now DH & I have decided to put off the next IVF cycle till march 2008 to focus on getting my body healthy through acupuncture (getting my cycles regular), diet and to save up for the next IVF cycle. Thing is that with acupuncture come herbs; ok I'm ok w/that. My acupuncturist clinic has a nutrionist as well and I've have to omit quite a few food items from my daily menu diet - sad I know but hey all in the name of baby right? Well I"m not sure how this has happened but I'm now in need of a pill box; actually a granny pill box as DH says. How many do I take? well here's the breakdown:
Royal jelly pills ( 2/day) ck
Prenatal pills (1/day) ck
Liver Support pills (2/ 3x per day) ck
gallbladder pills (2/3x per day) ck
chinese herbs in a drop bottle (3x/day) ck
that's a lot of pills and herbs!!!!! I"m officially a walking pharmacy. But I must admit the herbs, prenatal and royal jelly have improved my cycle BIG TIME.
I also went to get a yrly physical @ my GYNO and MD. All test came back normal w/my Gyno except....i was finally diagnosed w/PCOS. I say finally cause I had to hound her to figure out why my cycles were so long and period irratic....now my MD offices also test came back normal except i've been diagnosed w/a fatty liver. what?????so ask for more info and the MD tells me since I dont' have gallbladder stones that my gallbladder is then sluggish...hence the liver and gallbladder support pills. I googled it as well and yes that was what it said in a nutshell. So now DH calls me his "old lady" not funny by the way...
all i have to say to that is that all this that I'm doing BETTER be worth it and I BETTER get positive results on my next IVF.

oh and I have lost 3 more lbs! plus in 4 mths i've lost 1% body fat! not much to others but means a whole lot to me. It makes me closer to my goal.

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should......

Ok so to keep my mind off IF cause we all know how stressful it can make life. I have come up w/a couple of things I think I should start doing while I wait to start my IVF cycle and while I am out of the game and am “benched”.

1. I should do some volunteering. I tried to and even signed up for some volunteer opportunities but got the run around on it. The volunteer job was where I would call and check up on elderly individuals 2x week and make sure they were ok and what supplies they may need. It was great because I could do it from home or on my cell. I thought “great where do I sign up?” needless to say it was near impossible to get a hold of the individual that supposed to give me an orientation. I just gave up. That was about 6mths ago.

2. I should stop over analyzing. Yea, I have to shamefully admit it’s not one of my better qualities. Luke says I do it ALL the time and it’s annoying. And what do I over analyze about? Oh, pretty anything for example if my cousin doesn’t respond to my email or phone call I start thinking “maybe she’s mad @ me. I know silly huh? But hey I never said I was proud of it.

3. I should stop biting my nails. I let them grow then I get stressed about little stuff and “over analyze” and I start biting them. It’s a nasty, unsanitary habit but I don’t have the will power to stop!

4. I should really work out more than 2x week @ curves. I ALWAYS say to myself that I’ll go 4x then that turns to 3x and before I know it I only get to make it 2x a week. sometimes I don’t go @all. And I wonder why I can’t loose anymore weight. But I do walk a mile 3x a week @ work so I am not entirely feeling guilty.

5. I should be more patient. Gosh this is a biggie for me. On top of over analyzing everything, I am impatient. When we started TTC and I got pregnant I was overjoyed. Unfortunately we all know how that ended : ectopic pregnancy. So I was impatient in getting pregnant again, well that fell through when IVF #1 turned out to be BFN. Now I sit on the sideline “benched” if you will as everyone else if getting BFPs. Oh it’s not cause I was forced to, it’s a decision both DH and I made. I decided next IVF will be different hence my plan to get healthy through diet, exercise and acupuncture. I wish my body was “ready” for IVF #2 but more so I wish I was pregnant already.

6. I should not be so jealous and annoyed with those that get pregnant easily. OR the ones that are overly enthusiastic that they WILL get pregnant when they start using fertility drugs – I just had to add that last one. ok so my fellow IF sisters can understand why it’s annoying to see preggers out there when it’s something we want so badly. And as for the over enthusiastic “newbies” well, that’s just annoying....all I’ll say to that is I met one in my support group. She kept saying she was told by her RE (who happen to be mine) that she was an over achiever and when she had her ET she emailed everyone in the support group that she was Pregnant until told otherwise…how annoying was all I could think. She was also inquiring on the support group available ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT before she had her first BETA!!!! I'm all for having hope and trying to be positive about an IUI, OR IVF but someone in the group even told her "I really hope you do get a positive bfp" her response...."oh I know I will" And you know what I found out after the fact? Well there was someone else in my group who was annoyed by her too. Go figure…hey it made me feel validated in my feelings @ least I felt less bitchy.

7. I should stop holding grudges. Yea I still hold on to past hurts from a so called friend who showed her “true colors” when I came out that I was infertile after my ectopic and rather than be supportive…..she went and got pregnant and when I was in the middle of IVF#1 she never once asked how I was doing nor gave me any encouragement in fact she insisted I participate in her stupid baby shower and didn't thank me for being when she could tell i was miserable . When ever I did call her out on it she told me this was something between DH and myself....this infertility.ok yes it's our problem and i was not looking to her to solve it for me but I was looking for support. Yea…..this from someone who called herself my best friend and sister for the better part of 13 yrs. and…………in case you were wondering I no longer talk to her and it’s now been 7 glorious mths / 3weeks! Yea for me for having the balls and getting rid of this “toxic friend”

8. I should learn to accept a nice compliment. I try to be a good person, really I do, regardless of my jealous streak of preggers out there. But I just can't accept a compliment, guess my childhood is to blame.....i never really got any positive feedback so it's strange to me when someone tells me I'm a strong, kind hearted, smart person. But I'm working on this...hey I am a work in progress.

9. I should be more optimistic and less pessimistic. Man that should have been my first one!!!! I am one of those that NEVER sees "the silver lining". but can u blame me? it's only cause I remember the bad and expect something bad to happen. but what I can't explain is why if I am pessimistic do i believe in signs whenever i need some type of hope to grasp. weird....is all i can say.

10. I should post more and comment more on other blogs. yea enuf said. I'm more of a lurker and read SO many great blogs but never really post a comment. I did finally post one on "reproductive jeans" and she was such a sweetie she replied & even read my blog. so far i think only one more person aside from her reads it......i don't blame them it's a little boring right now. But hey it's my blog, my random thoughts, it's my outlet. by the way you can go to Reproductive Jeans ck her blog out.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!!!!!

11. I should learn to take a deep breathe and count my blessings……….GOSH even in the midst of infertility I have a loving, supportive husband...and it doesn't hurt that he's handsome. :) He truly is my rock and sunshine. He makes me laugh, gives me the hope that I need to look @ the end of the tunnel and see the light and is there to pick me up when I am depressed. He's a total gem and I'm lucky to have someone like him to walk this stressful unfair journey with. I have 6 Furry Babies...yes people I said 6! 3 cats & 3 dogs. The cats came first and then after a while we got the dogs. They love me unconditionally & I feel are preparing me for when our sweetpea comes back to us. My family is awesome. I love my mom & sisters, they are prayer warriors and give me the peace I need to keep my sanity. and Lastly my friend Irene and cousin Vivian....they are my true friends and help me get away from all this IF so we talk about anything and everything, go shopping, go out to eat or just hang out.

yes this was LONG ASS post but hey I've been M.I.A for a while and I needed to vent a little.

and it's and it's down.....

Part of my acupuncture treatment is to take my daily BBT and so far i can't get to go up higher than 97.01 and the lowest it's been is 96.6 yup.......but today i was at 97.4....yipee! but AF still has not come!!!! wtf!!!!

so the last couple of weeks I've not blogged because I've been busy reading and commenting on other's blogs. And well also for two other reason (at least in my head) no one reads my blog so I'm in no hurry to update and I am not cycling so nothing to report. I have rather enjoyed reading other's blogs I have felt bad for those that are getting negative and are back to square one and I have felt elation for those who have gotten a BFP and are past their 1st trimester. As for myself, well I had my 4th Acupuncture and well along with taking those awful herbs I'm "back to square one" yup I'm on cycle day 37? ( i think) and AF is M.I.A. Nice huh? just when I thought "hey AF came last mth and I lost 2lbs so this TCM must really work.....no AF. and I am pretty sure I've gained those 2 lbs and they brought some buddies along w/them to stay on my hips and butt. I have to admit I gave up trying to eat healthy and this past weekend I pigged out on Chick-Fil-A. OH how I LOVE that chick-fil-a!!!!! and today I got pizza, telling myself even though in the past I've gotten heartburn I'll test the waters since I have been eating my congee dutifully each morning. I want to POAS but what for since I know what's it going to be a big fat BFN. ah!!!!!

Well enough about my boring life right now.....I got news that a lady I met at my RESOLVE support group had to have another D&C. She lost her baby the same in the timeline as the one before...they are running so they are not sure what the reason was, she was a little over 6wks. My heart goes out to her, I know how she feels when she says she's shocked and feels like she's in a fog and that it's not fair......I hear you it's NOT fair. I am trying to be supportive to her and have given her my # to call if she needs a shoulder to cry on. I hope I see her next week at the meeting.

well that's all the news from me today. I gotta get back to my 3 dogs who are all "leashed" up and ready to hop in the car so we can go to a doggie park.

Hey there twiggy!!!

Ok so today I am still over the moon because in one mth I have lost 2 pds and 4 inches!!! I know to some it's not much but to me it's the first steps towards getting healthy to help me conceive. I called hubby yesterday and was so excited and then later on while he was at work ( works night shift) he txts me "hey there twiggy how's it going?" Listen by no means am I Nicole Richie I'm more along the lines of the size of a Hispanic queen latifah but i think it's silly but sweet that L shares in my excitement.

i can't wait till my next acupuncture appointment!!! got lots to say to my acupuncturist about my weight loss AND getting my period too!!! i sure hope my body is FINALLY getting in sync with my baby making plans.

other than that nothing much on the home front....really looking forward to my 3 day weekend!!! yipee i have friday off yea yea!!!!!

I think I can...I think I can.....

So what has happened since last time? Well BIG news....well at least to me...I got AF!!!! no no I will not be starting a cycle or anything like that but it's really important and I'll tie it all in if you keep reading. Luke & I started thinking about looking into acupuncture and he found a link on another blogger's page. So we made the appointment and it was for the 27Th of July which happens to be his birthday. It was very very informative and I really liked all she had to say. Seems she feels the reason my period is so inconsistent is due to poor blood energy. Basically the way Chinese medicine see it is that blood is our life force and when it is weak that hinders menstruation, ovulation and reproduction. well as for me all my life I've been irregular but I've always been put on BC pills but never an explanation given as to why I am irregular. Well she said w/ the help of nutrition, acupuncture and herbs we can get my body back to ovulating and getting my menses back to a regular cycle! I must admit i did not believe her since i had not had my period since almost 2mths. But i figured I had nothing to loose and it is MUCH cheaper than IVF. Oh, they also try to help w/normal conception but also help increase your odds when doing IVF. So the way I see it, it's going to give my body the help it needs.

Well I went to my first acupuncture session last Thursday the 3rd of August & quite honestly I could NOT relax!!!! I was not the needles that bothered me it was my mind racing a thousand miles a minute. I did fall asleep for about 15mins but woke up because my arms and legs felt HEAVY. Before I knew it, my time was up. So that was Thurs and I had told my acupuncturist I'd been having cramps and it felt as if AF would be coming but I was hesitant since she'd be AWOL for weeks now. We went to see my in laws in Blanco since my SL and her husband were coming back from him being stationed in Korea and we spent the night on Friday well...........AF decided to show up! ok so i was totally not prepared but thank goodness I found some pantyliners i had in my purse that I'd forgotten. so here we are and AF is still here, but she is stops and comes back....almost like the little engine that could....i think i can i think i can.

I will be signing up to do treatment for 6mths which is fine by us since we are not planning on going IVF (if it's necessary unless we conceive on our own) till January. I don't know what this whole new journey into Eastern Medicine has for me but I'm very excited to see the results.

family....

well my sister's visit went better than expected. I can say I was enjoyed her company and that of my nieces and nephew and brother in law. Yes I did have to be after them to close that door because of the AC, turn off the bathroom or bedroom lights when no one is there, who left another opened can of coke etc....but it was good to see them. I spent so much more time with them than when we usually go down to see them during the holidays. My nieces are such bright little girls and my nephew although a handful is a funny character. I must admit I found myself trying to picture what it would be like having 4 kids or being a mom and I could picture it but it was exhausting! Every night WE were the ones in bed BEFORE they were! We went to my in laws out in the hill country and those little kids still had LOTS of energy past 11pm! I think hubby also might have had those same thoughts too because a couple of times he even asked me " you sure you want one or two or three of these?" . and you know, I DO want 1,2, or 3 kids but I want them to be OUR kids. It's not the same and anyone who has nieces/nephews can attest to this. It's all great to baby sit them or have then visit you and pump them full of sugar but in the end at the of the day they go back to THEIR parents. And I want to be able to share our life and nurture our own children. I want to be called Mom, mama, mommy. And I want to be able to say "go ask Daddy if it's ok" I can't explain how much more I fell in love w/my husband these past days just seeing how he interacted w/my nieces & nephew. I know he'll be a great dad and I'll be the best mom I can be....we just need G*d, the universe something out there to turn our luck. I have to admit that I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted to be a mother at all and maybe due to my hesitation is the reason all this bad "luck" has happened to us? I may never know the answer to this but I think I want to really get a plan together to make our dream come true. which brings me to my next subject...AF.
I still have not started my AF and we are going on 12 days late!!!!! I've taken 3 prg.test and they are ALL negative. I told my sister (who can only look at her husband and get pregnant) and she said maybe the tests are wrong. I told her I took 3 and she said she'd tested negative w/3 of her children and she turned out pregnant. I don't want to hear that only cause that makes me start wondering what if those test ARE wrong? then I start to wonder if my hormones are messing w/me and what if something worse if wrong w/me? so I'll just wait for now....to see if I EVER get AF. I'll post if anything happens.

I am tired......

I am tired.....of still not getting my period. it's now been 5 days late!! and I took a PT but it was negative. I want to tell my body "hey get witht the program here! S**t or get off the pot already so I can start my accupressure or accupuncture exercises!!!"

I am tired...of feeling sick now going on a week. Normally allergies don't get me but they are kicking my butt this time. I wake up every morning congested, coughing and feeling miserable. Could the constant rain be the cuplrit?

I am tired....of one of my 3 dogs acting up. He's a year old and is still chewing his way through stuff. So far the count is:
3 pairs of perfectly good tennis shoes
a pillow
a hair band
a bag of uncooked rice
that's it so far...I dread to think of what he may chew up next. we did not have this problem w/the other 2. Granted the other 2 are chihuahuas compared to this 45+ shepherd mix dog but come on!! I have a gut feeling he misses his twice a day walks ( which we can't do cause of the rain)..... My husband thinks he's being vindictive. dunno............

I am tired....of everyone getting pregnant all around me. It's like I'm getting left behind. True, i've not started IVF#2 nor my Tradition chinese medicine BUT i can't do anything till AF comes. I'm trying to stay positive and keep telling myself "God provided for you and Luke as individuals and as a couple and he WILL provide you w/the babies both of you desire". But i can only say that so much before doubt rears it's ugly head. I wish there was a sign i would accept that would say "hey stupid yes I'm talking to you....YES you WILL get pregnant and you WILL have a baby" I'm just impatient and wish it were to happen soon.

I am tired.....of having to go through so much in my life and seem like I have to work my ass off or sweat big time in order to achieve it. I married late in life, to some people and so I'm now it seems in a race to get pregnant soon before my baby making years are gone forever. I wish just once just ONCE i could get something and not have to sweat it. All I want is a baby that is part of Luke and part of me. Is that too much to ask for?

Lastly.....I am tired of bitching about being tired of all the crap that i have to come across in my life. but...........that's life right? it could be worse i suppose.

definetly no....

well I took a pgncy test and it was negative. that bugs me only cause I still don't know why I have not gotten my period. The thought has crossed my mind that I am stressed that my sister is coming up for visit for 2 1/2 days. OK so that is not very long but she's got 4 kids all under the age of 8!!! I know how ironic that I want kids badly yet I'm stressing about my nieces and nephew coming for visit. don't get me wrong I love them to death but they can get a bit out of hand and do wear you out like you wouldn't believe! but i guess we might as well get used to it right? you know maybe I'm like lots of those childless people who say they stress out about kids they know whether they are family, godchildren or their friend's kids yet they have a preconceived notion in the mind that when they have kids their kids will be angels; only to turn out quite the opposite. God I hope not!!!! When I do have kids, hopefully in the very near future, I want them to be well behaved and little spoiled beings. I want to be able to go to someones house and be welcomed there and not be shunned or avoided cause my kid or kids are terrible. My biggest fear is having a kid(s) that throw temper tantrums in the store; you see the embarrassment on the parent's face. I should bite my tongue here cause I could be jinxing myself. gosh if that were to happen to me I think I'd need to call Nanny 911....just joking. anyways so getting back to my original thought, yup i think I'm stressing cause of my family's visit and it doesn't help that my sister has been calling me since last Monday ( they are coming in the day after 4th of July) and makes comments like "so you ready for us!!! better start getting ready cause here we come!" yup there is some sarcasm in her voice but i know she and the kids miss us terribly, it's not like they live 30min or even an 1 hr away. nope, they live 6 hrs away. so here's to a great up coming visit, I hope we can entertain them enough.

maybe, yes or no

that is how I feel today. I was supposed to get my period on Thursday but as far as today I have the big fat NOTHING. I took a pregnancy test this morning and I got a result but it's a moot point when I lost the box with directions to the results. Pretty dumb not to mention frustrating. I'm not trying to get my hopes up YET only cause I don't want my hopes to come crashing down. This is something I would never ever choose to go through but yet here I am having to keep my chin up and deal. I've decided to keep working out, keep eating more veggies and consult with a TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) physician. Which for me is really out of the realm of normalcy. But quite frankly my life really has never ever been real normal. Well I lie, since I met Luke (my husband) he's given more of sense of stability and normalcy. I guess if you are reading this for the first time let me fill you in on why I just mentioned that about normalcy.
In a nut shell.....I never knew my dad, my mom passed away when I was 9 yrs old and after a year of living with an aunt I went to live with my 75 yr old grandmother. She treated way better than my aunt but her son (my uncle) was a drunk and lived with us too. Well, anyone whose lived w/an alcoholic knows that it's not all roses. I got a job when I turned 18 and met this lovely motherly lady there. Basically she took me in cause she knew how rough it was for me at home and her kids, after a while, accepted in their family. So after many years of wanting a family, I got a new family and new beginning too. So there, that is why I say my life really isn't normal.
Getting back to the pending pregnancy if I am pregnant. I am wishing with all my heart I am but if I'm not well I've had to make a plan to be able to cope with the disappointment. I've told myself the sooner I get my period the soon I can start TCM. To some that may sound odd to think that way but I'm a planner. I've had since I was very small since life's taught me that I have to be prepared for the unexpected.