first christmas

happy belated Christmas. This christmas was the best christmas ever, hands down. It was way more meaningful and even though Sofia got presents it was fine. She was the best present Luke and I got. I hope all had a joyous day.

3 months old!

so this is a late post, but I can't believe Sofia is now 3 mths old! I browsed her pictures from when she was born and when we brought her home and she's changed so much! everyday she's getting bigger and bigger and even though I'm happy she's healthy and meeting all the milestones on target I can't help but feel a little sadness as well. I'm a little sad that in some ways she is becoming more independent from me and it's not by much now but I know w/every milestone she reaches she won't be as helplessly dependent on me as she was the first few days of life or when I carried her inside me. I didn't think it would bother me so much but I first realized it when I stopped breastfeeding her; true it was not by choice but because I went back to work but still...she no longer needed ME for nutrition, she could get that from formula/bottle. Also while giving away some of her newborn clothes to a newly pregnant friend I realized...she no longer fits in these...she's growing up...too fast. I know in my heart I will always be her mother and that in some way she'll always need me...I mean even me at 33 yrs old I need my mom too...not as much but I still do and there are somethings that only my mom can do for me; so I tell myself this as she is no longer a newborn but now an infant.

so thankful

Certaintly without a doubt this was the best Thanksgiving ever. Sofia is the biggest thanks we have in our lives this year. We give thanks also for our jobs, friends, health but she's our biggest thanks. Last year was so lonely, I can't believe this year we have this little one here with us, and we get to spend every day with her.

Learning to let go...little by little

Sofia has started daycare.........sigh.....yes it's been hard for me to allow someone other than myself or Luke to watch her. I've been very blessed I must say in that I was able to enjoy all to myself for about 9 weeks and then handed the reins over to her daddy who had her till she just last Monday for about 2 weeks. It did help the transition in that I didn't miss her as much when I went back to work because I knew she was with daddy but that first day I dropped her off in daycare it nearly broke my heart. I completely trust her sitter and I know she'll be taken care and all her needs will be met but what was tugging at my heart strings was that my poor baby woud miss me or her daddy. And my mother instinct was correct because she looked a little sad and the sitter kept going on and on how good a baby she was, that she gave her no fuss and just enjoyed looking out the window and sitting down and just looking at everyone. I know my child and when she is in a new place around new people she freezes up and is not the bubbly little baby I know who coos and gaas and smiles constantly. I trust the sitter gave her attention and she took good care of her but I know in my heart that she missed me and she's the type of baby who takes a little longer to warm up to new people. I know this not only cause I'm her mother but because I learned all her habits/personality while it was just me taking care of her. She takes after Daddy in that respect, he's slow to warm up to new people and situations/environments. At first he comes across as very shy, reserved but once he becomes comfortable watch out cause he's a chatter box and very open/friendly. Me on the other hand, I am more outgoing, quite the opposite, but I have learned how to introduce Luke to new people & I do the same for Sofia...except on her first day of daycare I couldn't stay w/her since I was running late for work. I know in my heart she'll be fine and she'll eventually come out of her shell and come around but a small part of me feels guilty for how she feels now and I wish she could understand that she's ok @ daycare and that I will always come back to pick her up. A good friend of mine told me to look at it this way....at least sofia is only in daycare mon/tues and every other wed and on thursdays/fridays she gets Daddy time until I get home from work and on the weekends she gets both of us. After seeing it this way I feel a tad better but still it's hard to let go but it's something I have to learn to do....little by little.

At last............motherhood. I'm tired, elated, in awe of this wonderful miracle that I see sleeping in her crib while I write this post. I now understand fully what the other bloggers felt when they wrote how in awe they were to see their baby how it was surreal. Yes, I understand now fully because you see when I see this precious tiny person who not too long ago was growing inside me, and to think.........tommorrow she will be 3 weeks old! where does the time pass? Well let me recall what all has happened so far.
She was born Sept 5, 2008 @ 10:20am weighing in at 6lbs and 12 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. I had been in labor since wednesday Sept. 3!!! I thought I just had braxton hick contractions but they were the REAL thing! I went to work that day as if nothing and by midday i came home and did not go into work the next day either since it being thursday it was my dr's appointment @ 3pm. well i get there and she checks me and sees I'm 100% effaced and at a station 0 but only dialted 3 cm she checks me into L/D. by 7pm that evening she broke my water and 2 hrs later I still had not dialted so I was given Pitocin.....OMG that is when the real pains began. I finally was in so much pain I got the epidural and was able to sleep for 3 hrs and dialated to 7 cm! after that i progressed much better and just pushing less than 15 mins she came out. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I ever have heard.................I was all tears and it was of joy and feeling as FINALLY here is this moment I've waited so long for is HERE thanking God for bringing us both through the labor/birth safe and sound and HEALTHY. I never really had an "idea" of what she would look like but when I finally saw her I was completely and utterly in love w/her...........she was PERFECT and the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I looked at Luke and he was just in amazement and thanking me over and over and saying he loved me and loved us and just in amazement. I look back at that moment now and think..........."wow did I really experience that?" it's hard for me now when I look at her to think " wow she's is daughter...........she belongs to US.....I grew her inside me!.....she's a part of me and Luke"
Now as for the present? well she's getting bigger, getting her little baby fat rolls on and each day I think God for her and pray that he keep her well, safe and happy all the days of her life. I want her to know she is so loved, and is/was so wanted by not only us, her parents, but others too. I want to be the best mom I can for her, what ever that means. I have a new role and a new path to take and each day now I take it one day at a time and cherish every coo, every cry whether it's because she's bored and wants to be carried, changed because she's soiled her diaper or is hungry...I cherish it all I think more than the average mom because I KNOW what this child means....what her presense in our life means...........a true blessing.

still here so far.........

I’ve been so bad about keeping up with this blog, and it’s not because I have NOTHING to write about it’s the lack of energy I have these days. I’m now nearing the end of this wonderful journey and before we know it, Luke and I will embark on a new journey as parents. I’ve been blessed in that I have no real “complaints” about aches and pains, I’m thinking it’s not cause I don’t’ have them but I am CHERISHING every little detail of this little being growing inside me. Infertility robbed me of a lot of things in my life and consumed me with anguish, doubt and fear but this pregnancy has erased all those awful memories and replaced them with beautiful new ones. I’ve not forgotten what I had to go through to get here but I find myself surprised that those memories don’t hurt anymore. My little girl has been a miracle and life saver for us……..yes I said “little girl”. We found out 3 weeks ago while I was killing time for my hour glucose test and my OB did a quick look-see and we found out we’re going to be parents to a little girl. We’re so over the moon, I know I would have been happy even with a little boy but somehow I feel a little bit more of a connection knowing I’m having a girl. I talk and sing to her and now she reacts to those actions. She moves all the time and I can tell when she’s asleep as well as when she’s most active during the day. I have to admit I will miss being pregnant because I have her all to myself right now and we are inseparable. I’m now a lot slower and a simple walk with the dogs and chores makes me more tired easily but still I have a smile on my face because I know in 10ish weeks we’ll meet our most awaited treasure, our daughter. It’s still taken me time to adjust to being asked how I’m doing and if I’m feeling ok especially with this TX heat, and no one can understand even with the fatigue, heat and the extra weight how I can keep a smile on my face. But to me it’s easy you see, and I have my little girl to thank for that, she’s allowed me to view this whole pregnancy experience in a new light. I went through so many tears and hurt to be able to experience all that pregnancy brings with it, yes even the heartburn and backache I remind myself that this beats being where we were over a year ago. I’ve met some pregnant women along the way, whom you can tell never had to battle infertility, in prenatal class, bookstores and work who all seem to have the same consensus…. they are just plain tired of being pregnant and can’t wait for that baby to be born already, it almost sounds to me like a burden. I guess it’s another thing that infertility has made me realize, how to be grateful for what I have or going through. To me she’s not a burden and even though I wonder now more than ever what she’ll look like but I feel a bit sad and feel as if time is flying by so much faster, I’ve truly enjoyed that my body has be able to sustain her and help her grown stronger and bigger each day, since for the longest time I felt my body was “broken”. And even if she’s the only one we have, at least now I can say I survived and beat infertility and have a beautiful child to show for it.

a different kind of view...

It seems with only 15 more weeks to go in this pregnancy, I'm starting to see things in a different light now. We went to see my family in McAllen Tx and it was great to see them all but boy was it HOT and HUMID!!!! OMG I spent more time inside than outside, but Luke played with the kids the whole time kicking the ball, jumping around....yea to them he is the uncle that is a kid just like them. And though it was an enjoyable time spending it with the family I could not help but think that it seemed different to me. My nieces asked if I would bring the baby to visit and how much fun they were to have. To me my own nieces looked different I guess because all these years when I was single, newly married or TTC I saw myself as just their Aunt and to me they were the closest thing I would have, as far as having a child in my life...now all that changed. I'm still Aunt Ivonne BUT now rather than just sending them b-day cards and gifts and giving them advice I find myself imaging what the holidays will be like when we take our child to visit them...their cousin. I have 4 nieces and a nephew and the girls are so very curious, smart and take care of each other but I also see how they are with my nephew, who has special needs, and how much more delicate they are with him. And now with this little one my whole view of my immediate family changes in a way I never knew could. I worried at first if I'd be able to get pregnant, THEN if it would be a viable pregnancy, THEN if I could make it past the first trimester, THEN if I could pass the down syndrome test....seeing my family and interacting with them now gives me the courage to face whatever else may even come up.....if infertility has taught me anything it's taught me that nothing in life is certain. So far OLO (our little one) is right on target but I wonder if he/she may show some slow developments later on just as my nephew, notice how I say "wonder" it's odd to me to not "worry" about this when everyone that knows me describes me as a worrywort. I think seeing my family, seeing how happy and accepting they are of other tells me now matter what, all will be ok. I'm no longer just Aunt Ivonne, I'm more part of my family in a way I wasn't before, does that make sense?

My first

I cant' believe it, I finally get to celebrate mother's day. I'll admit it's scary and I don't have a live baby in my arms but this Mother's day is different from other years that have come and gone, I have a live baby growing inside. I've started to feel our little one more now, he/she seems to be very active right as I get up till about noonish and then again in the evening until I go to bed. I still am in awe everytime I feel those pokes and feels like it moves a limb across my stomach tickling me. I love it all, the pokes even the jumping on my bladder...I've waited a long time to experience it all. I even am learning to relax and start to feel optimistic about have a baby shower in July. How optimisitc? well my friend,Irene, convinced me to register at both Babies R'US and Target.....how about that for starting to see the glass more than half full? I do have my days that are filled with anxiety but they seem to be balanced by hopeful days. I love my stretch marks that I'm getting and my "linea negra" on my belly. One thing I don't like is heartburn I get, luckily I've figured out what foods give me heartburn so I stay away from them. I think I can actually say I'm enjoying being pregnant FINALLY. I just wish I had a bigger belly but I still have my little bump to show. I'm a full figured girl to begin with so, that may explain why it just looks like I'm gaining weight but I don't care I get reassurance every time I get a kick, poke or what feels like a somersault. So far I've gained about 4lbs but I'm eating all the time but keeping up with my walking. I wish I knew if we were having a son or daughter so I can start calling it by it's name but I have to wait until the end of June to see if my dr can squeezw another ultrasound in and check the gender. I've included 2 pictures of my ultrasound; the first one is profile and the second one is of the feet. It seems our little one has inherited Daddy's toes. I had to take a picture with my camera since I don't have a scanner, maybe with the stimulus checks we're getting I can invest in a good one.

2 years

I have a post I want to share of my sono from last week and pictures (that hopefully came out clear enough) but this post seemed to weigh heavy on my heart and I couldn't bring myself to write about all that when the anniversary of loosing sweetpea was coming up. I have mixed feelings this year about it, could be because last year I was not pregnant and felt hopeless that my one chance had come and gone on May 1, 2006. But yet here I am 20 weeks along (i have to update my widget sorry) and with a presumbly healthy baby yet still I feel conflicted. It seems like it's someone else whose pregnant yet I know it's me and I'm not feeling the pain of being stressed about not being pregnant; does that make any sense? I think on this day and if we had not lost our little angel I'd have a toddler and one on the way, we'd be a family of 4 to be not a family of 3 to be. I try to make sense of it and tell myself that all things happen for a reason but yet I can't find the reason. And because of what happened 2 yrs ago I feel somewhat unattached to this baby, maybe it's because even though the wound has closed up and doesn't hurt like it did it's still tender and I dont' want to get attached to this baby until it's born just to make sure NOTHING else can happen and I have to go through all those awful emotions of loss. I feel guilty because I feel this baby deserves more of me than just nutrition and a safe environment; but I just can't seem to open up my heart to the prospect of all being ok, I keep thinking what if the rug is pulled from me if I allow myself to actually start enjoying this pregnancy and actually start making plans for a baby to come join our house in September? the fact that I feel pokes and bubbles every once in a while doesn't help me feel connected to this baby. I've fears and I'm not sure if they are normal fears that "normal pregnant" women feel....I really don't feel like I'm a normal pregnant woman....I still feel different. I fear that the baby will not bond with me and will not want me, that I may not be able to bond with the baby, that I won't be a good mom to this baby. I just wish and keep waiting for the day that someone can tell me "ok now you can exhale, all is ok and will remain ok" I just want to start feeling as a mom-to-be should be feeling at this moment.

blue or pink?

well it's one more day to go till we find out if we will have little girl or boy.....we have names picked out but I'm not yet sharing maybe I'll share later. I'm nervous that something might go wrong, so nervous it's stressing me out and I've not had a good night's rest for the past 2 weeks! I'm having nightmares that the baby is dead, missing a limb, has no brain etc....I wake up in a sweat and shaking. I know that there is some possibility all can go OK and normal in this pregnancy BUT...there's always a but right? I'm just afraid very afraid that anything can go right since nothing concerning getting pregnant ever came easy to me, yes this time it was w/out IVF but still I've had my share of heartache and I still am somewhat detached from this child, very different from my first pregnancy that ended in an ectopic, it makes me feel guilty. I hate to say this but yes it's true, even when I hear the heartbeat it seems surreal to me like that heartbeat can't possibly be MY baby....no I could be hearing someone else's baby's heartbeat. I report to you all about it and how I'm happy at last and I am but I'm much more detached than I am attached, does that make sense? I'm happy that I've gotten this far and as far as the DR, all sounds normal and such and I finally have a tiny bump but I CAN'T allow myself to feel like he/she is a part of me and growing inside me. Maybe it's cause I have not felt movement yet, dunno. Maybe it's because I've longed for a baby for so long and lived with infertility that I know nothing else, it's almost as if infertility has become my security blanket. I'm hoping all goes well and MAYBE just maybe seeing this baby on the monitor will make me feel closer to it and maybe it will sink in that I may very well be a mom in September and there's really a living being inside me. seriously I can't fathom I could be someone MOM, I can't picture myself as nothing more than someone's aunt, sister, & friend. Hopefully seeing this baby, OUR baby, tommorrow will finally start to heal those wounds of infertility and feelings of inadequacy and pessimism that I have carried as a security blanket for so long. I can only hope.

growing pains......

Sometime about 3 weeks ago I started noticing cramps and soreness. I was alarmed at first because this being the farthest I've ever been pregnant I thought "oh no miscarriage". This however my dear readers is actually round ligament pain. I'm not sure why the say in all the books I've read "you will experience slight discomfort in your abdominal area due to the ligaments stretching" ..... yea right more like cramps you get right before you period! Taking Tylenol.......doesn't help, but resting does. Now that would be find and dandy but Mon-Fri between the hours of 8-5 I have to work. So I'm wondering, what in the world can I do? Any suggestions anyone? I've tried stretching and that helps but not for long. I know this whole stretching is necessary for the baby to grow but my gosh I feel helpless in managing the pain! Oh and if that were not enough, it seems congestion has taken permanent residency in my nasal cavities. So I'm forever either blowing my nose or sneezing. I've had to resort to carrying a bigger purse since I have to carry a box of kleenex! Yes I've tried the OT allergy meds that are safe for pregnancy but they only work for 1 1/2 hrs then I'm back to square one. But I keep telling myself it's only temporary and I can deal. On the bright side of things our neighbor gave us a crib that her son and daughter-in-law are no longer using and it was free! It's a convertible crib and it actually matches the dresser I was thinking of using for the nursery so that's a bonus! We're so very amazed that we've been blessed with people that are great neighbors and helping us out with a crib, we were dreading having to spend so much for a crib so now we can look forward to using that money towards decorating the nursery and such. I can't believe all of this is finally happening to us, I feel like it's a all a dream and this is happening to someone else. Truly I can say, I can finally start to remember what it was to feel happy again.

The big double 3......

Sorry I've been MIA but nothing much has been going on until today.........Happy Birthday to me! I'm sure I don't have to mention how extra special this day is for me. I can't tell you how many birthdays after my last loss that I wished I'd be either pregnant by next birthday OR have a baby in my arms. Well, one of those wishes has come true and let me tell you it's surreal and awesome! So far today I've had a low key bday with friends for breakfast, went to IKEA and worked on getting a vegetable garden ready to be planted. All in all even if I'd done absoultely nothing the fact that I'm pregnant this birthday has made this the best birthday ever. Last week we had our 15 week checkup and all looks right on target, the baby's heartbeat was 148 beats a min and as for weight gain........well I've had none. Now I was a bit concerned being that I'm eating alot more these days but my dr said it was fine and some women gain it towards the end of the 2nd trimester or at the 3rd trimester. Now me being a big girl to begin with I am watching what I eat but I do indulge now and then. I'm debating whether to post a picture of my tiny bump only because I'm afraid others may not notice it, I mean DH and I notice it but it's only because we what I looked like before. So we shall see if I have the nerve to do so or not. I've also bought another baby purchase........a pregnancy pillow. I actually got it as an early birthday gift from me to me. It helps to insure I don't sleep on my back ( which I tend to do) and the plus side is that it really is comfortable. I'm still waiting on feeling the first movements from this little one but I may not feel anything till another couple of weeks. And something else that is happening in the next couple of weeks is that on April 24 will be when we find out if we're having a girl or boy. I want to post pictures of the sonogram but first have to see if I can borrow someone's scanner. Part of me wants a girl only because I've seen so many cute things that are out there for little girls but really I'd be ok with a boy. Really should it even matter? I mean with all we've been through and just longing to be a mom and FINALLY having it happen, either gender would be ok with us. It seems this year I will have to make a different birthday wish............

I've included a picture of my pregnancy pillow with one of my dogs who obviously approves of it...and one of my vegetable garden to be.

13 and change............

I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd get this far if I ever became pregnant. Wait, who am I kidding, I NEVER thought I'd ever get pregnant. Personally I feel as if I'm almost about to cross a milestone. I'm not a runner but I guess if I were it would probably feel as if I'm maybe a 1/3 of the way to the finish line. Of coarse along the way I've had my aches and discomforts, emphasis on the discomforts. I went in to see my dr today only because for the past 3 days I've been having lower abdominal cramping and a lower backache, and taking Tylenol was not doing anything about it. I became worried when by today it would not go away so I went in and was tested for another UTI, got to hear the heartbeat (score!) and well the prognosis...........round ligament pain. I gotta say I did feel foolish but both the dr and nurse were so very nice and said better safe than sorry. Unfortunately no amount of Tylenol will make it go away either, it's just a what happens as the baby gets bigger and my uterus starts stretching. So I think what I may start doing to at least alleviate the backache is look into some exercises to help strengthen my back while I am pregnant. I wanted to look into Yoga but I'm a chicken about going alone, it would be nice if I had a buddy to go with especially since I've never done Yoga in my life. Oh well maybe I'll get over my fear and eventually venture out on my own. I'm excited about this weekend because we're having a garage sale and even though my hubby is a major pack rat I'm getting rid of items that are still stored in boxes when we moved into this house, that was almost 2 yrs ago! I'm hoping we make a nice amount of cash since we've decided it'll go into our baby fund. Wow that's just so very amazing to me. Even though now that I'm planning for this baby by saving money, being more careful with my sick/vac time at work and starting to look for bigger pants I can't forget how I started out and still consider myself........ an infertile. I can't help it's a part of me, yes we got pregnant naturally but we still needed help. I mean I feel deep down inside that acupuncture and the herbs I took helped me to achieve this miracle and had I not gone that route I would not be sitting here in awe of 13 weeks. So you see, I am and will always be an infertile. A fellow blogger once wrote while she was pregnant that she was a pregnant infertile, and I completely agree. I don't think you can ever forget the pain and anguish you go through when you TTC, those battle scars may heal superficially but stay tender to the touch inside of you. I guess how I see my 13 weeks is this way, I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my first trimester but I don't feel like I'm on safe ground yet and even if god willing I make it to the finish line with a healthy baby to take home, my scars will still be there deep down inside even if the world can't see them.

Great ending to a rough week

This past week really was not the best for me, it started off with me having a cold that got worse as the week progressed. Not only was I miserable I had to call into work which in turn will eat up some of my time I have been planning on using for maternity leave, but I was too sick to even get out of bed so it was a necessary evil. The highlight of my week was Thursday, my OB appt. We heard the most beautiful sound ever............our baby's heartbeat. It was amazing to hear and it really hit home for me........this may very well end in a real life baby! It was strong and loud and my Dr said it was 168 beats/min which was right on target for how far along I am, that confirmation made my whole week. I gotta say it's really starting to become more real to me that we're going to be parents and now thankfully I can mark off my two goals I have set. I'm even starting to become less pessimistic and more optimistic about this pregnancy's survival, how about that? I even ventured out and bought a rocking chair at a garage sale........my first baby purchase. I love this little one more and more each day and can't wait for my next goals to cross off my list:
Keep growing little one
Have good results on my down syndrome test for next dr's appt.

I talk to our little one and it's cute to see how one of the dogs and one of the cats like to snuggle on my tummy.......hmmm can the sense this little life? I truly don't know but they seem to insist on being there when before they were not interested at all. I tell our little one he/she has a zoo to welcome him/her when we bring him/her home in September but until now the only contact he/she will have is either the purring or snoring that the cat or dog makes.

Goals...

My next OB appt is this coming Thursday and even though I'm trying my best..........I'm so very nervous. I had an episode about a week ago that scared me very much. I went to the bathroom and noticed some brown spotting on my underwear I called the 24 hr Nurse line and luckily got a nurse she'd asked if I'd done anything straneous and was I having any kind of cramping......uh no...but I did have to admit that DH and I had been "frisky" last night.....she said that sometimes spotting will happen because of that and it was no biggie but she'd have my nurse call me the next day.My nurse called the next day and repeated the same thing, but by then I was not spotting at all and I'd never had any cramping so I felt a bit relieved as well. So far as everything I shouldn't be worried right? I guess being that all I've gotten is bad news since my infertility it's only natural to expect bad news rather than good. I'm taking easy but everytime I got to the bathroom I'm almost expecting to see some spotting, I keep telling myself that it's going to be ok to keep me going till my next appointment. So now I'm a little more than 10 weeks just 3 more till I'm out of my 1st trimester, can't wait. Being the Type A person that I am, I've set "goals" for myself and so far I can cross out 3 of them.
1. Become Pregnant through IVF......ok that happened but not through IVF...check
2. Once pregnant, rule out ectopic.......got early blood work and HCG levels doubled accordingly and early ultrasound, saw sac and yolk.......check
3. See a heartbeat......check

My next goals?
4. Hear or see a good heartbeat
5. that the baby be right on target as far as growth or ahead.

I hope I can cross these two goals out as well, since this would mean to me that is one step closer to reaching our dream of bring a healthy baby home sometime in Sept.

hello hello........

I realize that some may not want to celebrate or acknowledge today especially if you are going through the struggles of IF, but I still want to send out positive thoughts to everyone and lots of hugs.
Well I gotta say from my last post, I am feeling better much better after venting out to a friend of mine I met at RESOLVE. Plus that day I happen to have my acupuncture appt so I took the time while I'm lying on the bed w/needles in me to meditate. It helped me relax and also gave me time to "speak" to my little one....I told him/her that I was very grateful he/she had picked us as parents and trusts me with his/her life. I told him/her that it was loved very much and we hoped he/she stay with us and continue to grow strong and healthy. I told my little one that until I have to share him/her with the outside world that he/she is all mine and it's just the two of us for the mths to come. After my "talk" I felt a sense of peace and just felt like all will turn out all right. ok, not trying to be all new agey or anything but it's how I felt. Now all was going good and well UNTIL tuesday when I got a call from DH telling me one of his friends from work the wife was losing the baby. Now why would this put me in panic mode after weeks of calmness? Because she is only 1 week behind me. Apparently all was going well no signs of distress then she started to bleed and it got worse so they admitted her to the hospital and she had to have a D&C that day. So now I'm all paranoid and my little bubbly of hope that I held on to has burst. I'm not naive I KNOW the pain of loss and I know a pregnancy can end just like that no rhyme or reason, That is what makes having to wait for my next dr appt @ the end of the month feel like ages from now. Today I'm off from work so I'm going to take it easy and I have my acupuncture appt so I may just try to meditate on the good in the pregnancy so far. I feel somewhat guilty though that sometimes I don't "feel" pregnant. It's a daily struggle I know this but part of me wants to fast forward to 2nd trimester when my chances, statistically speaking, become lower. I'm afraid to day dream about what it will be like to have a big'o belly and to start feeling the baby moving....I'm afraid to day dream in case my dreams comes crashing down. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I know of 2 other women whom I met for dinner last night that are pregnant after either IVF or acupuncture. They have the same fears as I do but they are both in their 2nd trimester.............gosh I look at my widget and it seems like an eternity till I get there. But I guess all I can do is wait and keep hoping that this little one is still alive and well and sticking around. Alot of family and friends are looking forward to meeting our little one in the coming months.

that's just the kind of luck I have....NOT

So today I found out that SIL is having a boy. My reaction to this news.............devasted. Ok I could blame it on my wacky pregnancy hormones as to why I'm jealous, my culture that I wanted to be one to have the first boy, or I can just be very frank about why I'm upset about it. But before I go into that I'd like to say in my defense yes this makes me look like a bitch when I say I'm not happy she's having a boy that I wanted her to have a girl since she really really wanted a boy, but really I'm not a bitch I'm very nice just ask anyone really and normally I don't hold grudges unless you've hurt me to the core. Well that being said, I am holding a grudge towards her because of the comment she made late last year about she doubting we'd ever get pregnant on our own, I can't help it people that was an uncalled for bitchy ass remark and I am holding on to that grudge seriously dunno if I will ever let it go but right now I can't I just can't. So because of that comment I was really hoping she'd get a girl since when she was down here visiting she went on and on about how she wants a boy and that's all she wanted, so basically my jealously wanted her to NOT get what she wanted for.....once. So DH is ok with it and said and i quote " I don't see what the big deal is" . DH thinks and keeps telling me we're having a boy too, here's the thing people I was ok having a boy or a girl I really am I mean I prayed, sweated, did acupuncture and cried over even getting pregnant so I know what a miracle this baby is BUT part of me wanted to give his family the first grandson since DH is the first son of the first son I thought "hey that would be neat to have a boy..." so now I'm kinda hoping we have a girl only cause if we have a boy I know how she is and how his family is................they will compare. Yup there I said it, so if I have a girl she'll still be a "first" and SIL can't compare her boy to my girl. But with my luck I may end up having a boy but I tell ya what, I will not stand for any comparing. ahhh. this so sucks and has ruined my entire day. I just need to vent to someone so i think I'll call a friend of mine who I know will be sympathtic rather that try to talk to DH and get no where.

update

We saw the heartbeat last Thursday and even though we didn't get to hear it on the doppler it was enough for us. I'm still very much in awe and it doesn't seem like this is happening to me.......guess all those years of infertility have really messed with my head and such. My Dr was able to finally pinpoint how far along I am, due to me having PCOS, I didn't even know when I ovulated. She said at the time baby was measuring 7wks and 3 days, but from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be 8wks & 3days.....I of coarse became alarmed at the discrepancy between dates but she said it was no biggie and that everything looked right on target. I'm still nervous and will be until my next appointment at the end of the mth but I want to stay positive about this possibility that this may very well turn out good for us. I have a picture but since I gotta wait till I can borrow my friend's scanner I may not get to upload it till later on this week. If not well, it may be later later on. I told my friends at my local RESOLVE and all of them were very supportive but I could tell they were hurt too. I struggled with either emailing them or telling them and decided to tell them in person since I've known them a while from either at the RESOLVE meetings, emailing, talking on the phone or meeting outside the meetings. I feel guilty that I won't get to go to those meetings anymore and that I'm "Here" while they are still either waiting to start treatments, coping with failed IUI's or IVF's, or starting treatments. Part of me is just torn because I feel guilty for being happy I'm farther along than I was last time I was pregnant but that I'm leaving so many good friends I've met behind. And I also mean some of the bloggers I've met in Blogland. If you all can, please go over to JJ's blog. She could really use some positive support right now. I'll try to update a little more often but can't promise much..........please keep checking back though because I may have a new update.

just here...............

Nothing new to report, I still don't "feel" pregnant aside from the sometimes cramping, sore boobs and lower back really it feels like I'm about to start my period. On occasion too I get indigestion and constipation with certain foods. I'm very very scared about my upcoming Dr appointment on the 31st of this mth. I'm not sure how I will handle it if I get bad news. My worst case scenario in my head has been that there's been no growth and I'll have to have a D&C, why do I fear that you ask? Well when you are thrust into the world of infertility and you see others get pregnant you see the joy and miracle that comes with that as well as the down fall that can happen just like that. I can't tell you how many women I've met or read about either here in Blogs I read or @ my local RESOLVE group that have gotten pregnant and they feel like "ok NOW I finally got pregnant I'm out of the woods" and everything seems to be going well and then fetal growth just stops just like that OR they end up miscarrying. That people is my greatest fear. It does not help that my OB will not do any more blood work or that the soonest sonogram I will get is next week, Thursday. My mom and in laws keep telling me to just relax and enjoy it.........but how can I for all I know this little may have stopped growing. You know what I can just add ONE more damn thing to the list of why I loathe infertility, it not only f**ks with your self esteem when you CAN'T get pregnant but it messes w/you AFTER you do cause any little wetness I feel I run to the bathroom thinking "oh now, it's what I feared". Take yesterday for example, I was freaking out cause the only symptoms I had were slight period like cramping and lower back pain. My boobs didn't hurt like they'd been doing since I got pregnant NOR did I have morning sickness. I freaking out so bad I looked online for symptoms of miscarriage, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. Crazy huh? well as you can well imagine I did not sleep well last night tossing and turning thinking maybe I should not have felt so detached to this little one but I'm scared right now to get too attached and watch my bubble burst. Oy, seriously if there were some meds I could safely take right now I'd take it, seriously I need a chill pill. So today at least for today my boobs "slightly" feel sore and I've got some indigestion. No cramping or morning sickness. I never thought I'd say this but I WISH for some serious morning sickness. Oh please please stay little one, we both really want you and can't wait for you to become more real to us. We can't wait till we get to see you next week, please keep growing strong and big little one.
If you all notice, I put a Widget of my little one in the side bar, DH suggested it so I can at least feel a little more attached to our little one, I really hope next week we get good news.

I can't believe it..........

that's what I said after my sonogram was done..............it was yesterday and according to what the tech saw.....I am 4weeks and 3 days. We saw a gestational sac w/yolk. It was in my opinion the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and a long time coming too. I keep pinching myself thinking this is all a dream.........I was supposed to do IVF#2 in April.......but yet now I see the beginning of this tiny little being snuggled in my uterus. Thank you to all who sent me out positive vibes, I still have worries especially since I know how precious this gift is and how it can end so quickly. And in typical form, I've set myself up some "hurdles or mild stones" that I need to pass so I can breathe a sigh of relief. My first hurdle is that I hear a heartbeat and that may not be till another week or two. All this is new to me and I still can't believe it I guess I have infertility to blame for that frame of mind. Please please little one, hang on tight and grow big and strong. Again thank you for every one's positive thoughts, I hope everyone who is starting a cycle whether it's FET, IUI or IVF gets the blessing they so deserve.

Waiting game......

I swear I can literally hear the clock ticking in my house! Gosh all this waiting is agony and I can't help but think as an infertile we do ALOT of waiting but lack of patience. We wait to try naturally if we'll concieve, we wait during IUI or IVF if that cycle is a BFP or BFN, then we wait after we get the good news to see if this pregnancy will indeed stick. Well right now I'm in the last part of waiting because today I go to the lab to give more blood and this SHOULD tell my Dr if indeed we are dealing with an ectopic or normal pregnancy. Since Monday I've been on pins and needles because any little twitch or cramp in my pelvic area I start sweating and dreading it's a sign of it being ectopic. I'm trying my damnest to keep positive but I'm afraid if I start to enjoy this little light, as I've been doing, then I'm setting myself up for a let down. I googled what was the % of another ectopic happening and it was 30%....no bad huh? But only if the other tube was good.........well that's the thing folks my other tube WAS blocked at the end so do I even fall in that %? The way my luck has gone so far with pregnancies.........I may very well be in that 30%. I'm gonna give my Dr till tommorrow to give me my results because yes I'll admit it I'm chicken to call any sooner......I figure if it's bad news the longer I can safely delay it the better for me to prepare for it. But I've gotta call Thurs anyways in case I don't get a call back from them only because I need to know what's my next step? Do I go in for more blood work? Will I have to get a sonogram w/the dildo cam? I mean what? this is really a matter of life and death I can't be waiting..................whew......ok calm down calm down......my blood pressure is up I'm getting ahead of my self but it's how my brain is wired.......I've not been in this place in a LONG time so I'm at loss on what to do. I hope hope hope please be in the right spot little one, we've waited a long time for you and alot of people are rooting for you. PLEASE I want to finally be a mom by birthday in April, I hope I get my wish. I'll post most likely tomorrow unless I get a call today. Wish me luck everyone!

*********** UPDATE********************
Monday's HCG results: 546
Wednesday's HCG results: 1315!
I am scheduled for an ultrasound Friday at noon
I'm not running down the street telling everyone yet.........I'm still cautious I've learned from watching other women in my RESOLVE group that some have great beta numbers but nothing growing but the sac. I know we won't see anything we may not even hear a heartbeat but I will delighted to know that it's not in my remaining tube I WANT & NEED for this little one to be in my womb where it can grow strong and be nourished. It has not really sunk in for me yet I guess I'm still needing one more hurdle to cross the ultra sound............I hope and I NEED for this to work out. PLEASE let this be the year I become a mom please dear Lord.

a little secret.....

ok so what I thought was AF on CD36 turned out it wasn't.....I POAS today and wonders of wonders it was positive. I don't know what to think people.....my RE told me it would be impossible for me to get pregnant again in my one tube that was left since it was closed off but yet...........two pink lines say otherwise. I'm cautious........extremely so and detached only because I'm preparing myself for it to be ectopic. I don't want to get my hopes up not even a little bit because I'm afraid if I do then when my beta tests comes back and it is ectopic then I'll crash harder. I keep saying its ectopic only cause how could my tube be open I mean it was closed and my only chance was through IVF. This is not supposed to have happened not this way...........Part of me a small part wants it to be a valid pregnancy but that's my heart talking.......my brain keeps saying louder "it may have made it through an opening in the tube but it's probably stuck midway...don't get to attached it's not going to last". I want to have hopeful happy thoughts but I just can't.......does that make sense? As for symptoms I have tender tender and swollen (.)(.) and some of my sports bras are not fitting. My BBT temps have spiked up they have been in the 98.1 realm now have jumped up to 98.4. Dunno if that means anything or if that is an indication if it's ectopic or not. I've been fatigued as well and hungrier too. I tried to remember how I felt last time and I think I remember feeling pain in my left shoulder and I was hungrier and swollen and tender breasts as well but not fatigued also I was not as emotional as I am now. Oh Lordy Lordy please please let this be our miracle that we've been waiting for. Let me finally be a mom. I've only told my mom and sisters and DH has told his parents and siblings....yes even SIL knows...she says she's excited and hopes it's not ectopic again. I feel almost numb you know? I'm making an appointment tommorrow for blood work and I hope that by the end of the week I'll know if we'll be parents in late fall or my dreams have been shattered. I guess if anything I can be thankful that my tube did unblock and I AM pregnant at least for today and for that I am thankful. I keep thinking this is not real...........I NEVER thought I'd see those 2 pink lines again ever again in my life. So I close with words that my heart keeps saying...
Please please let this be, I want to be a mommy I want to finally have the dream we've been hoping for. I'm scared and even though it's too early I still have feelings of hope for this little light inside me. Please be in the right spot please!

CD1 and other randomness

Well finally AF decided to come, I realized I have this love/hate relationship with her. I hate when she is late and it's not cause I'm pregnant but cause of PCOS screwing up my cycle again. I love when she comes because I also know for a fact that I ovuluated and AF came on time with 30ish days. And well that for me is when PCOS has not won that month. But alas, this cycle it kicked my butt, because I did not get AF till CD 36! So this cycle PCOS won but I'm gearing up to win the next cycle and the next till I start my next IVF and the final victory will be to beat infertility......getting pg, staying pg and delivering a healthy baby. So that's how I cope with the lateness of AF. All in all it at least it wasn't CD 60 like it's been in the past huh? I can be happy about that. Oh and to answer Meghan's comment, a fellow blogger at a little sweetness, about talking to my RE about provera to jump start AF...well I was thinking about it but wanted to give AF a chance to come on her own and she did......I'm glad cause I hated it when I was on BCP to keep a regular cycle I can only imagine how I would have reacted to Provera.

Aside from waiting for AF to arrive, I've decided to be more active in my local Central Texas RESOLVE. We hold meetings every other Thurs in a local hospital and well I've decided to take over the reigns from a fellow infertile now turned new mommy and keep the RESOLVE library. I figure hey it seems like I'm now a veteran and rather then just go and sit and talk I wanted to do something productive. One of the coordinators said it was a great idea especially if it's someone whose still going to the meetings but she wants me to email and get in touch with the fellow infertile......well I don't know if I want to only cause she just had a baby & as happy as I am for her....it will be a little sad that I'm still in "that place" so I may just have to tell the coordinator that and hopefully since she is the coordinator she'll talk to the other lady.
I've also started walking again and began carpooling with a fellow co-worker and since I told her I work out @ curves 3 times a week she's decided the days I carpool with her ( only 3 days a week) she will also join curves and work out! I've also got another co-worker to start walking during lunch, which I've been doing except during the holidays I really slacked off. And @ curves they are having this game that you pay $10 and you have 8 weeks to loose 10 or more pounds and the person who looses the most will win the pot of money! I'm like heck yea I need some motivation!Well that's pretty much it for me. I'm glad that I'm not cramping as bad as I thought I would. So there, seems like I am trying all I can to start off on the right foot for 2008. I 've got my days when I feel like crap and am very hopeless but I got days when I'm like ok..........this MAY happen.

Here we go again...........

Well folks, it's now CD33 and no AF!!!! I POAS but it was of coarse negative....of coarse why would I even think it may be positive? Well aside from AF being late my boobs are majorly majorly sore and I'm very sensitive to smells right now and I'm very emotional. I hate that all these signs could be early pg signs too.....ah it's no wonder we drive ourselves nuts analyzing every little twitch here and there. My acupuncturist seems to think since I have POS that all that sugar and fattening food I ate on top of not working out at all did not help this cycle and that could be delaying my period. Dunno if that makes any sense but ok........... So here I am again back at square one when I was doing so very well and my cycles were down to 30-32 days then BAM this crap happens. I hate that my body once again has betrayed me. I'm so emotional that I take everything to heart. Hence my last post, I feel like a sh** for being hurt when H hung up the phone....she emailed me back and said she dropped the phone and really was not in a good state of mind to talk. As emotional as I've been these couple of days.....I get it but I feel foolish to have been hurt by it. Ahhhhhhh I hate not only getting my period on time and getting emotional on top of it. Maybe that is why DH made plans to go to a hockey game with friends last night........I was very short with him last couple of days, and well today he works so I'm sure as much as he hates working on a Sunday, it's better than being @ home with an over emotional wife whose constantly snapping at him. I know I'm not PG so I'm just like "ok AF just get here already, what's the holdup!" hopefully she'll come in a few days or maybe hours who knows.....I'm so freaking sick of this. so I'm off to take out my frustration on some laundry and other house hold chores....oh joy. Hope everyone else is doing fine.

well this sucks

I just got an email from one of the ladies that goes to RESOLVE and she's just had her 3rd loss. She's been updating all of us and when she got the news that she'll have to have an D&C again well I thought it would be better if I just called to tell her hey she's not alone in her sorrow cause I know what it means to be in those shoes to get a positive and get your hopes and BAM it's ripped from you. So I call her and ......she answers, I tell her "hey H it's me ivonne..." then it sounded like she just said something and HUNG UP. Ok yes I get it if she does not want to talk to anyone right now and it's very hard but I figured sending her an email would be too impersonal and maybe she may appreciate a phone call since we've been talking @ the meetings and we met up once and she keeps bringing up the fact that we should get together again. DH says don't take to heart but ......... typical me fashion....I am hurt. I ended up emailing her and telling her sorry for her loss and how I didn't want to email her but wanted to tell her via phone how hurt I am for her loss and sorry I bothered her. I will be ok by the end of the day but still I'm just like........ok that was really odd and I would have been perfectly fine with her saying "hey it's not a good time right now" instead of getting hung up on and H if you do read this post, I'm not doing it to offend you since it's hard enough what you are going through anyways I just thought it maybe a little less impersonal that I call you and let you know you " hey this sucks I'm so sorry for you loss, I was really really hoping for you this time." I"ve said it before in other posts that for those fellow infertile I've met that there are some that I REALLY REALLY do get happy with whenever they get BFP and I look forward to hearing from them you know? But when the BFP turns into a miscarriage I cry for them because it's not fair that they were THERE and it gets ripped from them. WHY? Now for those people that get pregnant no complications....hey I am not as overjoyed. One thing I have learned is that being infertile bands you together within a group, granted it's not one you choose to be in but it bands you together non the less with other IF'ers. So I close with this............H I don't' mean to offend you and much less didn't mean to bother you. I am truly sorry for you loss and even though you may feel angry at the world I'm sending you ((hugs)). I hope you can find the strength to not give up your dream just yet and I will continue to root for you to become the mother you so deserve.

good riddance 2007....Hola 2008!

I am sure I'm not the only one overjoyed with 2007 being over.....good riddance! In retrospect though, 2007 was not as horrible as 2006.......both my ectopic and failed IVF happened in that year. But 2007 would have been the year I would have either been a newly first time mom or been pregnant awaiting to become a newly first time mom. So yea 2007 was bitter sweet in some other ways to but it was a good year as well. I have decided to write a list of what was good and bad of 2007. So maybe this will also get others to think what was the good and the bad of their 2007.
The BAD
1. I was surrounded by so many pregnant women in my life......it was a painful reminder that life is so ironic....if getting knocked up is so freaking easy why not us? oh yea.....i have a blocked tube. The worse part is I never had an STD so why??????

2. I felt left behind while everyone in my RESOLVE group got pregnant, some on their first try at IVF. Yes for some I was happy but that was mostly for the veterans there were some newbies that really never experience the roller coaster that is IF and IF treatments so they just has this mentality that if you can't get pregnant just do IVF it'll work.....not so I'm an example and so are some of my fellow IF both in RESOLVE and in blog land.

3. The little hope that we would be the ones to have the first grandchild on DH side was shattered when we learned of SIL pregnancy. Oh my gosh, where do I start with this one. She has no freaking clue about the precious gift and enormous responsibility she will have for the rest of her life. This is a person who when she could not deal with having to take care of a pet.....pawned it off on her mother. Jeez. She says she wants it to be a boy.....and I'm thinking hey be grateful that you got pregnant no complications even though you are NOT taking prenatal pills and drinking coke and RC all the freaking time......no water either. Oh and she was complaining that her husband's family is gonna buy all the baby stuff but that it's gonna be baby loony toons and she's upset at that......I was glad that I did tell her something, I told her "hey beggars can't be choosers, you're lucky you are getting all this w/out you paying for anything" she gave me this go to hell look but I smiled and walked away. :)

4. That we got into so much debt from our last IVF cycle plus had to pay our portion of the bills from the emergency surgery due to the Ectopic. Yes insurance paid some of the IVF meds and some of the hospital stay from the Ectopic but still it made us very very tight. so that in turn was hard on our relationship. We're hoping to be able to financially OK to go through w/ next IVF...I keep saying March or April but nothing written in stone till we know who much we're getting back from IRS.....

5. the hopelessness and depression I felt while taking this break. I don't regret the break so much as to how much longer due to financial reasons the break lasted. I have felt like maybe it'll never happen to me and part of me is looking forward to next IVF but we were REALLY REALLY hoping some how my remaining tube would get unblocked due to the acupuncture/herbs I'm taking. Yea not in your dreams. I hate that insurance does not cover any part of infertility treatments especially IVF.....they make it near impossible to have the one thing you want.....you pay an arm and a leg for what seems to come so freaking easy to everyone else.

The GOOD
1. I took a break from all the fertility treatments, drugs and stress of it all. Granted it was longer that we planned but in that time I feel like I am a little better prepared physically and mentally to take on another IVF. I have PCOS on top of having a blocked tube and with the acupuncture my cycles have not gone from 60-75 days to 30-32 day cycles! It may not mean much to someone when I tell them this but to your fellow IF'ers I know you get it.

2. I realized how blessed I am to have such a supportive husband, even though we get some support from my family and his family really when it comes down to it....he's my greatest cheerleader.....he cheers me on when my temps started rising from being an Arctic 96.5 now the lowest they get is 97.3.....he cheers me on when I go work out even though I'd rather sit and zone out in from of TV.....he gives me a thank you card that read: I'm in awe of what you are doing for us, all the sacrifices you are making by not eating your favorite food, exercising even when you hate it and going to acupuncture. All the things you are doing so that we can have our babies! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Love you so much, L.

3. All the wonderful new friends I've made through RESOLVE, seeing and talking to them helps give me hope again. Also to all of you that read my blog....I am truly honored. I never did think my lil o'l blog would ever be read by any one other than maybe myself or someone that stumbled upon it. Thank you all, for that that have left comments you don't know how much they make my day, my week sometimes. And for those that read my blog but don't post a comment, don't be shy....please let me know what you think of it.

4. I got rid of some toxic friends, their true colors came out while I was in the midst of going through fertility treatments and it took me till the beginning of 2007 to realize, hey I don't need this and I am a good friend so I deserve good friends! Cutting my losses with them has been therapeutic to me and I have no regrets. And I have heard that the one that gave me the most grief......she became unemployed and is in major debt. She basically was a total B**** to me and insisted I go to her baby shower even though she knew how hard it would be for me and not once did she thank you instead she walked around rubbing her stomach (she's a big big girl and didn't look pregnant) and kept saying "everyone pregnant girl here....and put a name tag on her stomach" it was torture. Also when she was getting married she wanted to hold her wedding shower on MY first anniversary but that's another story. But she did tell me that when I got pregnant she felt like I'd get all this attention,,,more than her, and it would be like I'd be having the messiah. WTF. yea she really did say that. So I'm so freaking glad she's down in the dumps cause she deserves that and she did it all to herself....no one told her to marry a bum who refuses to work 2mth after knowing him and getting pregnant 1mth after being married. But I digress.......I'm happy she's not in my life and other girl isn't either.

5. I lost weight, got a raise and took time to my self and spend it w/hubby too.

ok well that last one is a recap but still it's my #5. So there you have it, my GOOD/BAD of 2007. I ask everyone.........what was YOUR good/bad of 2007.